


i know, you know, we know

by snowandwolves



Category: BLACKPINK (Band)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, F/F, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:02:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 69,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28452834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowandwolves/pseuds/snowandwolves
Summary: It might have been the fact that she was at home, or it may have been how she spent the entire day with Jennie, falling a little more in love with every story and every smile. Whatever it was, Lisa forgot that love cannot be this loud, not when it was for Jennie.
Relationships: Jennie Kim/Lalisa Manoban | Lisa, Kim Jisoo/Park Chaeyoung | Rosé
Comments: 337
Kudos: 372





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Happy New Year! Also, to my DTI(WY) readers, don't worry, I'm coming back.

Lisa learns to love in little things and small moments.

She loves Jisoo by letting her talk about the games she plays, by staying up all night watching her murder her controllers, by learning how to cook chicken for when she's sad and lonely and too strong to ask for comfort. She loves Chaeyoung by letting her drag her in and out of shopping malls, by sending her photos of the sunset when she feels lost and confused, by telling her that her music deserves to be heard when she struggles to write her songs.

Lisa loves Jennie differently. She still does so in little things and small moments, but Lisa doesn't only learn how to love quietly – she also learns how to hide it. It's fear, she knows. After all, she could only stand by and watch as the world turned against Jennie for trying to find love where she could, watched as the aftermath left Jennie terrified and heartbroken, watched as the world tore into a woman Lisa knew was nothing but kind for trying to find a sense of normalcy. And Lisa didn't know why she felt like she should hide what she feels for Jennie even before the sky fell for the woman, but she does, and she does it well.

Maybe that's why it was such a shock for her when the people around her began to take notice.

\--------------------

The first to say anything about it was her mother.

Earlier that day, Lisa had taken it upon herself to show Jennie around her homeland. And Lisa doesn't always let people in – a byproduct of how her biological father decided that she and her mother weren't enough for him, she supposes. But for the day, she was determined to show Jennie the life she's lived thus far.

She ripped herself open and took down her walls for Jennie.

Lisa brought her to her old school and pointed out an alley a few blocks away, where she would always climb the fire escape all the way to the rooftop when she felt overwhelmed.

(Jennie slipped a hand around the crook of her elbow like she was trying to pull her back when Lisa told her that sometimes, she wished she could fly away from everything that made life a little less worth it.)

She brought Jennie to a café near her house and told her about the time she sat where they were sitting and broke a poor boy's heart. She blushed in embarrassment throughout the story but enjoyed how Jennie laughed at her expense, eyes bright and smile wide.

(Jennie sobered and sipped daintily from her coffee cup, linking their pinkies together, when Lisa told her that she hated that she had to do it, that she didn't want to be someone who broke hearts.)

She brought her to a local park, produced sandwiches and drinks from her backpack, and told Jennie to sit down beside her and under the shade of a tree farthest from the entrance. As they watched kids and parents soak up the sun, Lisa told Jennie that her mother found her in this park, curled up against this tree, a day after her biological father left them. She had been too young to understand but old enough to be hurt. She was naïve, and she believed that if she waited at the park long enough, her father would come for her the way he used to. When it was her mother who found her, Lisa told Jennie that that was the loudest she'd ever cried and that she and her mother stayed in the park until dark, waiting for someone who would never come for them.

(Jennie looked as if she might cry as she put her half-eaten sandwich down, scooted close to Lisa, laid her head on her shoulder, and wrapped an arm around her trembling body.)

Lisa hums, content and comforted by Jennie's warmth.

"Maybe if that me had you, she wouldn't have been so sad," Lisa whispers as she shifts to wrap an arm around Jennie's shoulder, pulling her closer.

"I'm here now."

Lisa doubted that Jennie knew how much that meant to her. And that's okay, she thinks as Jennie moves to burrow deeper into her, this is more than enough.

In the mall, Lisa pointed out the arcade she spent too much money in, the ice cream shop where she discovered her love for mint chocolate, and the movie theater where she had her first date. When fans began to recognize them, Lisa made sure to keep their little group entertained and distracted as she regaled them with stories, letting her mother interject occasionally to express her teasing disapproval. Both Kims laughed with them and as Lisa caught her breath, Mrs. Kim took it upon herself to bring out embarrassing stories about Jennie.

(Lisa would smile when Jennie whined, poke her cheek when she blushed, and stopped to take it all in when she laughed.)

When it was just the two of them again, Lisa brought Jennie to a rooftop where they could see the whole of Thailand. It was dark, but the city shimmered, alive and breathing. They talked about everything and nothing all at once, and Lisa didn't think she could be happier. When their conversation lulled, Jennie would lean against the railing, letting the wind comb through her hair. Lisa would grip her camera a little tighter, trying to take a snapshot of Jennie in the moment even though she knew photos probably wouldn't do her justice.

Later, when Jennie was sound asleep in the guest room, it would be that photo that she'd be looking at as her mother sat quietly beside her.

"That's a beautiful picture," her mother says as she peers over her shoulder.

Lisa smiles softly. "She's beautiful."

She doesn't realize what she said until her mother quirks an inquisitive eyebrow. It might have been the fact that she was at home, or it may have been how she spent the entire day with Jennie, falling a little more in love with every story and every smile. Whatever it was, Lisa forgot that love cannot be this loud, not when it was for Jennie.

Her face must have shown her sudden fear and trepidation because the next thing she knows, her mother has pried one of her hands from where it was clutching the photo with all the care she could give.

"Mom…"

"Lalisa, I love you," her mother says firmly. "I love you, no matter what. You're my daughter, and being apart from you is the hardest thing I've ever had to live through because that's how much I love you. I know that the path you've chosen isn't easy and that there are many things you're afraid of. But, my darling girl, you should never have to be afraid of whether or not I will love you any less or at all. Do you understand?"

Lisa's lip trembles, overwhelmed by the strength that her mother seems to be trying to share with her. She takes a deep breath, gaze falling back on the photo, taking comfort in Jennie's beauty immortalized by her camera and by her own fragile love.

She lifts her eyes back to meet her mother's. "I love her, mom," Lisa whispers so gently, so fondly.

This is the loudest she has ever been with her love.

Tears blur her vision, but not before she sees a kind smile on her mother's face.

"Oh, darling, why do you cry?"

Lisa sniffles, once again the child waiting all alone in a park. "Because love leaves. And I—" she looks down at the photo again, "I don't think I'll survive it if I lost her."

Her mother sighs and moves to gather Lisa in her arms. Lisa rests her head on her chest, clutching the hem of her mother's shirt.

"I won't lie to you; love _does_ leave. We've been left behind before, you and I. But Lalisa, love is also _always_ there. I found your father, didn't I?" She cards a hand through blonde hair. "And yes, love isn't enough. But today, I watched you love Jennie. You opened yourself up for her and got her favorite ice cream and protected her when the fans recognized you both. I watched you take care of her. I watched you become the happiest I've ever seen you when that girl so much as _smiled_. Your love is huge, darling. And it is strong. Being left behind again is the last thing it will lead you to."

"How do you know?"

"Because when you feel for someone as much you do Jennie, there's no one in this world who could turn away from it. We all want that kind of love, darling."

"What do I do?" Lisa asks, quiet and sad because she knows the world she lives in isn't ready to accept her.

Her mother lifts her head up, cupping a hand on each cheek. She wipes away Lisa's tears. "You do what you've been doing. You love. Let yourself feel it, and when it hurts, know that you don't have to hide it from me. Let yourself be in love, but forgive yourself for the times you'll be selfish because of it. Be kind, be you. Remember that I am always here for you."

\--------------------

Later, when all her tears have dried and she's talked her mother's ear off about everything that she loves about Jennie, Lisa hesitates in front of her room, suddenly hyperaware of the guest room just a few steps to the left. She feels like her heart is beating out of her chest, open and willing for everyone to see it. She swallows as she shifts her weight from one leg to the other, trying to rein in everything that she feels for Jennie, convinced that if her heartbeat was any louder, Jennie might hear it.

But the thing about love, Lisa suddenly realizes, is that it's not meant to be hidden and buried. It doesn't behave the way people want it to, doesn't listen to rhyme or reason, doesn't let anyone dictate who deserves it and who doesn't.

_Forgive yourself for the times you'll be selfish because of it._

Lisa turns on her heel, padding to the guest room. She knocks, knowing that Jennie is asleep. She waits for a couple of minutes before turning the doorknob and peeking inside the room. She spots Jennie sleeping soundly under the blankets, the moon hitting her form just right. Lisa itches to hold her camera but decides against it, trying to commit this image in her memory instead.

She moves toward the bed, sitting slowly at the edge of it. And Jennie has always been a light sleeper despite her disdain for mornings and sunrises so Lisa isn't all that surprised when Jennie stirs, eyes fluttering open and landing on her. And damn it all, Lisa thinks as she stares right back, allowing a small smile to lift the corners of her lips, she is so in love that she could only hope that Jennie doesn't hear it in the way her breath hitches and see it in the way her hand trembles as she reaches out to brush brown hair away from her face.

(Jennie hears and sees it all but doesn't understand what it means so she settles for lifting her own hand and weaving her fingers in the spaces between Lisa's.)

"Hey," Jennie croaks, and the blonde wonders just how much love a heart can hold because right now, she feels it entirely too much.

Lisa swallows and whispers, "hey."

"Are you okay?"

Lisa hums an affirmative, squeezing the hand in hers for reassurance.

"What can I do for you then, Lili?" Jennie asks, teasing and light even as sleep weighs heavily in her eyes.

"May I sleep here?"

Jennie smiles lazily, tugging her hand forward by way of a response. Lisa moves slowly as she toes of her slippers off and as she pries her hand away from Jennie's. She crawls to the space Jennie makes for her, half-heartedly trying to calm the chaos in her chest. She slips under the covers and hesitates for a second before wrapping an arm around Jennie's waist. Lisa gently pulls her closer until Jennie's back is pressed to her front, letting the warmth sink into her aching bones. She tucks Jennie's head under her chin and sighs, the sound laden with contentment even to her own ears. Lisa wonders if Jennie can feel how her heart races and how she craves to pull her closer when a hand curls around the one Lisa has on her stomach.

Lisa, content and exhausted and in love, doesn't know whether or not she wants Jennie to feel it all, to know what she does to the blonde, to hear the words Lisa whispers in how she holds her.

"Stay?" Lisa asks, the question slipping past her lips just as she closes her eyes, ready to surrender herself to her dreams.

Jennie cuddles closer. "Always."

(Jennie only waits long enough for Lisa's heart to settle into a slow and steady rhythm before letting the feeling and the warmth against her back lull her back to sleep.)

Lisa's mother finds them in the same position come morning, and she leans against the doorframe after taking her daughter's Polaroid and snapping a photo of the scene. She wonders how long she'll have to wait to show the picture to both girls and tell them that _this_ is when she knew they were going to be together.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jisoo tries to keep everyone together, and Lisa... Lisa's just trying to remember how to breathe.

The second person to notice everything that Lisa wasn't saying is Jisoo.

Jisoo had slaved the night away trying to beat her high score in a game with too much blood and gore. She had refused to let the rare day off they had be wasted on anything that didn't involve her keyboard and mouse.

It had been a hard week for everyone. Lisa had been almost _broody_ throughout the past few days, and for the life of her, Jisoo couldn't understand what was wrong. She was half tempted to just ask the blonde outright and the other half of her wanted to take the long way around and ask Jennie instead. She preferred the latter, but that proved to be difficult when Jennie decided to go out every morning only to come home before midnight. Jisoo wanted to ask what was up with that too, but she knew that Jennie would tell them when she was ready.

For now, the group's dynamic was off because their glue, their Lisa, smiled a little less brightly. Jisoo had been used to the blonde's special brand of care that when she noticed that their youngest spent more time in her room, she realized that she missed Lisa's loud laughter every time Jisoo would curse at her screen. She was subdued, and some part of Jisoo thought that she looked almost heartbroken. The day before, she thought she heard crying from Lisa's room, but she wasn't too sure because she had to rush out to meet their manager.

To be honest, Jisoo had almost forgotten about the entire thing, too focused on getting the most out of the day off. _Almost._

The second day of their much-needed break began as normally as it possibly could with Jisoo sitting almost lifeless in front of the counter, chugging her coffee like she's just survived the Sahara. Lisa had given her a soft "good morning" as she joined her just before sunrise. Wordlessly, they moved around the kitchen, preparing whatever they could for breakfast, and Jisoo enjoyed this kind of peace and quiet.

"Chichu," Lisa calls for her for the first time that day.

Jisoo hums inquisitively.

"Do you think you could make pancakes topped with milk ice cream and syrup?"

"Jennie's favorite, you mean?"

If Jisoo had turned around from where she was busy cracking eggs into a bowl, she would have caught a blush creeping from Lisa's neck to her cheeks. As it is, she got her answer in the form of a meek "yes."

"Did you buy the ice cream? Chaeyoung finished the last batch, I think."

"I did," Lisa responds as she rummages through the fridge to bring out the ingredients.

They move fluidly around the kitchen, making an effort to keep the process as quiet as possible so as not to wake the girls. Jisoo cooks the bacon more for Chaeyoung's benefit than anyone else's and is thankful when Lisa only takes over mixing the batter without so much as a word about the meat now sizzling in a pan. Jisoo isn't so blind as to think that Lisa doesn't notice because, despite her goofiness, their youngest is nothing if not observant, always knowing when they needed something they couldn't give to themselves. But for the first time, Jisoo wonders if Lisa doesn't say anything about how she treats Chaeyoung because she understands more than she lets on.

She doesn't get enough time to think about it before Jennie shuffles out of her bedroom, fully dressed and ready for the day even though it wasn't even eight in the morning yet. The sight is nothing new, and Jisoo has given up asking where she goes, aware that the brunette will remain tight-lipped until she's ready. Lisa drops everything that she's doing, which was plating the pancakes and scooping out the ice cream from the tub, and moves toward Jennie.

From the corner of her eye, Jisoo absentmindedly watches Lisa open her arms in invitation. Jennie falls against her, accepting the hug just like she does every morning.

"Good morning," Lisa greets her with a smile that has Jisoo feeling like she's intruding.

Jennie squeezes Lisa before she lets go. "Good morning. Hello, unnie."

"Jendeukie."

"Stay for breakfast?" Lisa asks almost nervously as she fiddles with the hem of her hoodie. Jisoo turns to watch the scene unfold, propelled by an unknown force to watch their youngest. "We made your favorites. Well, Jisoo-unnie did most of the cooking, but I did get your favorite ice cream."

"Lisa-yah, stop being so sweet in the morning," Jennie mumbles as she looks away from them bashfully for a second before shooting them an apologetic smile.

Jisoo keeps her eyes on Lisa and watches as she stiffens at the sight of Jennie's expression as if she already knew what was coming.

"I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to miss breakfast with you guys today," Jennie says and doesn't bother giving an excuse before she gives Lisa one last hug and Jisoo a small smile. She moves out the kitchen and to the front door, but not before saying, "have Chaeyoung eat my share! I'll be back in time for New Year so don't worry!"

With that, Jennie was out the door, leaving as fast as she came. Jisoo doesn't say anything for a while, keeping an eye on Lisa as the girl remains where she is, looking suddenly lost and sad. There's something in the way Lisa watches the path Jennie took that feels like Jisoo should know what was happening. It was in the way the arm she used to hold Jennie was still hanging in the air, in the way her shoulders sagged, in the way she looked so defeated when she finally turned back around. Jisoo watches worriedly as Lisa bites her bottom lip before smiling something broken up at her.

"I hope Chaeyoung's hungry, then," Lisa says, voice barely above a whisper.

"You and I both know she's always hungry," Jisoo quips without delay before pausing to peer at the taller girl. "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay."

Jisoo doesn't believe her for a second but lets it go in favor of watching a sleep-rumpled Chaeyoung enter the kitchen with a smile on her face at the sight of food. Jisoo doesn't think about Lisa's odd behavior. At least, not until the following day.

\--------------------

On the first day of 2019, Jisoo was rudely woken up by her harsh ringtone. Eyes still closed, she gropes around for her phone, sighing in relief when it stopped vibrating. Just when she thought she could get away with a few more hours of sleep, the ringtone and the vibrations began anew. Frustrated, she grabs it off of her nightstand, feeling her eyebrows furrow at the sight of who's calling.

"Manager-oppa?" Jisoo says, confused and still more than a little sleepy.

_"Jisoo, are you with the girls?"_

"As far as I know, yes, unless Jennie slipped out again."

_"Can you check?"_

"Right now?"

_"Yes, I'm sorry, it can't wait."_

"Alright, oppa, I'll go now. Hold on."

She checks on Chaeyoung first, finding the girl curled up on her bed, snoring the day away. She pads to Lisa's room next and isn't surprised to see her already awake considering she slipped away to her room as soon as they welcomed the new year. Lisa shoots her a concerned look to which Jisoo only shrugs. She moves to Jennie's room and finds her groupmate still sound asleep.

"They're all here, oppa."

Their manager lets out a sigh of relief before sobering. _"Jisoo, Dispatch leaked something this morning."_

That's not anything new, Jisoo thinks to herself. But she can hear the concern and the barely hidden franticness in their manager's voice. Unbidden, she remembers how Jennie has been slipping out of their dorm every morning. She forces herself to breathe calmly.

"What is it?"

_"Did you know that Jennie's been dating EXO's Kai? Dispatch just posted pictures of them together."_

All at once, Jisoo finds it harder to breathe. Lisa appears beside her, laying a hand on her shoulder, seeming to sense her's sudden worry.

"She's been what? Oppa, are you sure?"

_"It's everywhere. YG's calling me to try and get Jennie to the office. I don't know what’s going to happen, but I thought you'd want to hear it for yourself before I have to come get her. To be honest with you, I don't think it's going to be anything good."_

"I'll talk to them. How much time do we have?"

_"A couple of hours at most. I'm sorry that that's the best thing I can do."_

"It's okay, oppa. I'll let you know when she's ready.

Dazed, Jisoo drops the call before pulling up a search engine and looking for the articles in question. She scans the photos and the headlines, and she couldn't help but cringe at the thought of the incoming storm.

"Unnie?" Lisa prompts hesitantly from beside her.

She doesn't respond. Instead, she turns her screen slowly to their youngest. Confused, Lisa takes the phone from her. Jisoo sees the moment Lisa understands what she's saying. The comforting smile and confusion in her eyes fade into nothing as her thumb scrolls through the entire article. For a second, Jisoo thinks that this is when she'll finally see what anger looks like on Lisa. But then, their youngest lets out a deep sigh, her other hand coming up to rub her chest like it was unconscious, like she was trying to soothe something beneath her skin. She looks a little more lost than she did yesterday, and Jisoo thinks, for the first time, that maybe she shouldn't only be worrying about Jennie right now.

It's clear that Lisa was trying for composure when she looks up.

"I'll go wake Chaeng. We'll wait for you guys in the living room."

Jisoo barely manages to nod before Lisa turns on her heels.

\--------------------

Lisa manages to keep breathing through Jennie's stuttering explanation and stumbling apologies. She thinks that maybe it has to do with the fact that this isn't the first time she's gotten her heart broken, wonders if maybe (hopefully), it'll be the last time. But then, Jennie breaks in front of them, body bent at her waist and sobbing apologies to the floor. Lisa couldn't have stopped her tears even if she tried.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Jennie gasps like she's terrified and alone.

She should never have to be any of those things, Lisa thinks, and it's that thought that pushes her up to her feet and carries her in front of Jennie before she even realized she was moving. She doesn't bother to wipe her own tears (she'll make up an excuse to hide her heartbreak later), too intent on making sure that Jennie knew she wasn't alone. She reaches for her bowed head, cupping her cheeks and tugging her up to face her. Jennie lets out another ragged sob, and Lisa wonders how such a sound can wreak havoc on her already weary soul.

"Hush, Nini," she soothes gently as she wipes away Jennie's tears. "Hush, it's okay."

Jennie keeps crying, and Lisa doesn't think she can take any more of this. So, she tugs her into her arms, hand pressing Jennie's head to her chest, her other arm wrapping around her heaving shoulders. Jennie instantly returns the embrace, hands gripping almost too tightly at the back of Lisa's shirt. She smooths her other palm against her back, trying to give her comfort. She breathes steadily even as a whimper fights to crawl out of her throat, hoping that Jennie will take the cue to get her own breathing back to normal.

"You did nothing wrong," Lisa says. "Except maybe keeping it a secret from us. Didn't you trust us?"

"No, no, it's not that!" Jennie responds almost frantically that Lisa pulls her closer to her body.

"Then, you were afraid?"

Jennie sobs, hands clutching her shirt tighter.

"Okay," Lisa states, hearing the answer Jennie couldn't say. "Okay, that's okay, we understand that."

Slowly, she pushes Jennie back but keeps her in the circle of her arms so that she can look at her. And there's so much that Lisa wants to say (like _it hurts_ and _I love you_ and _don't you see me?_ ), but she knows that none of it is what Jennie needs to hear right now. She threads a hand through brown hair once before using her knuckles to wipe the fresh batch of tears on Jennie's face. She watches her, and Lisa looks anywhere but at her eyes (too much, it would be too much).

"Lisa, I'm sorry," Jennie whispers quietly but sincerely, and Lisa knows it's not the apology that she wants to hear, not the apology that'll make the cracking in her chest be any less painful, but she takes it anyway.

"It's okay. We'll be okay. You did nothing wrong, unnie," the title falls past her lips in an effort to hide because Jennie is too close and Lisa feels like she's being rubbed raw, and right now is not the time to be in love with her.

(Somewhere in the midst of her fear and guilt and regret, Jennie thinks that Lisa calling her _unnie_ doesn't sit right with her because it twists and turns in her stomach and it feels all kinds of wrong.)

"You only did what everyone does at some point: you were looking to love someone and be loved in return," Lisa continues. "And there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, I think that you shouldn't have to hide it. I get what you were afraid of, _believe me_ ," she couldn't help but emphasize, "I get it. But I want you to know that you should never have to be afraid with us."

"I-I'm so—"

Lisa cuts Jennie off swiftly. "Are you happy?"

"Yes," Jennie answers without hesitation, and Lisa just stops breathing altogether if only to keep herself steady.

"Then," she clears her throat, "that's all that matters. Don't apologize for finding someone who makes you happy."

Lisa couldn't have been more thankful when Jisoo stepped in, pulling Jennie from her arms and into her own. She feels Chaeyoung step behind her, and Lisa doesn't resist the urge to stumble back into her best friend. Distantly, she wonders if Chaeyoung knows, wonders if she heard everything that Lisa didn't say to Jennie. She hopes not.

"Lisa's right, Jendeukie. I'm sorry that you thought you should hide something so wonderful from us. Just… maybe, no more secrets next time, please?"

Jennie nods, and Lisa does her best to pretend that she doesn't have a bigger thing hiding in the nooks and crannies of her heart.

\--------------------

Just when she thought that they were finally going to catch a break, Jisoo gets another phone call from their manager almost a week after the Jennie and Kai debacle. They had struggled to fall back on their normal routines as they all hovered around Jennie, trying their best to make sure that she was taking care of herself despite the hate that rained on her. The girl hadn't attempted to meet with Kai throughout the week, both agreeing to let the storm pass. It was hard on Jennie, Jisoo knew. But she also knew that she didn't seem to be the only one who was struggling.

She dreaded answering the phone when she grabbed it off of her nightstand. For a while, she did nothing but stare at it, the memory of what happened the last time she got a phone call from their manager still fresh in her mind. But she knew that she couldn't delay whatever it was. So, when she finally swiped at the screen, Jisoo took a deep breath.

"Oppa?"

_"Jisoo. Sorry for calling so late."_

"What's happening now?" Jisoo asks, unable to keep the exasperation out of her voice.

Their manager, who always got straight to the point, hesitates for a quick second before saying, _"Lisa's getting hate."_

Jisoo sits up straight, the covers falling from her shivering body. "She's _what now?_ "

_"She's getting hate,"_ their manager sighs from the other end, seemingly as frustrated and incredulous as Jisoo feels right now. _"Netizens are commenting on her appearance at the Golden Disc Awards yesterday. Some of them are saying that she's not Korean enough or beautiful enough to have what she has. She's getting racist attacks too. I'm worried about her."_

"But… But _why?_ " Jisoo says, rubbing a palm across her face.

_"I don't know. Lisa hasn't contacted me so I'm assuming she's still there. Can you check on her?"_

"I-Of course, oppa."

Jisoo drops the call, angry and worried and scared. She spots a message notification on her phone. She taps on it and sees that Lisa left her a message a little over an hour ago.

_Chu, I'm at the rooftop. Don't worry about me, I'm okay._

_Don't tell Chaeng and Jennie. It's nothing to worry about._

_I'll be back inside in a few hours._

And Jisoo couldn't possibly leave her alone – not when Lisa has been unbearably sad but strong throughout the past few days, not when Jisoo could practically hear her heart break if she listened close enough. Hastily, she throws herself off her bed, grabs the thickest coat she can find, and thanks whatever god is out there that she decided to wear a presentable sweater and pants to bed.

Jisoo tucks her phone in her pocket before wrenching her bedroom door open, startling the two girls chatting on the couch. They look up and Jisoo fixes them with the sternest gaze she could manage.

"U-Unnie?" Chaeyoung says hesitantly (Jisoo will have to apologize for scaring her later).

"Stay here. Don't go out, okay?"

"We weren't planning to," Jennie responds, more than a little confused.

Jisoo nods before striding to Lisa's room and doesn't bother knocking before opening her bedroom door. Their youngest isn't there, and Jisoo doesn't waste any more time. She rushes to their front door and is in the elevator before either girl in the living room could say anything.

She finds Lisa where she said she would be. Jisoo spots her standing by the ledge, hands in the pockets of her coat, her hood covering her head from the snowfall. She's not moving. Her eyes are fixed on the night sky above like she's desperately trying to find shooting stars to wish upon.

"Lisa-yah…" Jisoo calls softly, not wanting to startle the blonde. She steps to her right, and Lisa doesn't react.

"Hello, unnie. Aren't you cold?"

"Aren't _you_?"

Lisa shrugs, too exhausted for words. She merely lifts her arm to wrap around Jisoo's shoulders, tucking her against the warmth of her well-worn coat. Jisoo huddles close, allowing Lisa to take care of her even as she hears the hitching breaths she lets out almost as if she was trying not to cry.

"So," Jisoo starts, "how long have you been in love with Jennie?"

The hand on her arm tightens, and it's the only thing that gives away her surprise before Lisa's body sags, shoulders drooping and head bowing. A heavy sigh pushes past her lips, and it makes Jisoo wrap an arm around her waist, hoping to provide what little comfort she could.

"How'd you know?"

Jisoo hums. "You weren't hiding it so well when we found out about… _them_. Jennie might have been too wrecked to hear what you weren't saying, but I heard you. You're afraid, Lisa-yah, and that's okay because this country isn't ready for your kind of love. It made me angry when I realized it, you know? I knew what they say is so wrong about it, but at the same time, I knew that the way you love Jennie is nothing but _right_."

Lisa shudders, the acceptance washing over her like a warm blanket. "I think," she clears her throat as the first of her tears fall from her eyes, "I think I've been in love with her for a very long time, unnie. And I think this is the first time that I'm realizing exactly how much I feel for her."

Jisoo nods because that's what heartbreak tends to do. She bends down to gather up snow in her hands and packing it into a tight ball. She walks a few feet away from Lisa, who's looking at her like she's crazy.

"Throw a snowball at me, Lalisa."

Lisa looks scandalized. "W-Why?"

"I want you to let yourself be angry. I want you to stop hiding from me because you don't have to, because you're our Lisa and you're family to me."

"It's too cold, unnie!"

"So what? I'll race you to the shower when we go back to the dorm," Jisoo frowns and then throws the snowball she has in her hand, hitting Lisa right in her flabbergasted face. "I hate that you're getting hurt! Come on, you wimp!"

Lisa growls as she wipes the snow from her face before bending down at the same time Jisoo does. Without preamble, she throws it at her, hitting her chest. "I hate that we can't choose who we fall in love with!" Lisa yells.

She takes a snowball to her arm as Jisoo yells back, "I hate that we have to hide just to keep up an image!"

Jisoo takes a hit to her face as Lisa responds, "I hate that I let the hate comments get to me!"

"I hate that they think you're not Korean enough!"

"I hate that that's even something to judge me for!"

"I hate that too!"

"I'm hurt she fell in love with someone who isn't me!"

"I'm mad that you have to hide the fact that you're in love with her!"

"I mean, seriously! If she wanted a Kai, she could always cuddle with her dog!"

"I hate that you're literally the bravest person I know but you learned how to be afraid!"

"I'm so mad that Jennie's getting hate for literally doing the most normal thing a human being can do!"

"I hate that you have to hide even if showing how much you love her could literally save everyone else who's going through the same thing just by letting them know they're not alone!"

"I hate that I'm so in love with her that I can barely breathe!"

"I'm mad at you for not taking care of yourself better!"

And so it went. Jisoo and Lisa yelled at each other all the while throwing one snowball after another, taking comfort in the way it shatters against their bodies, the way they throw it with everything they have. When all was said and done, both girls lay on the rooftop, panting and drenched and laughing like there's no tomorrow. It takes a while for either of them to catch their breath but when they do, Jisoo is glad to see that the blonde doesn't look nearly as defeated as she did the past few days.

"Thank you, unnie. I needed that."

Jisoo smiles, feeling better herself.

"I'll learn to take care of myself better," Lisa continues. "After all, Jennie doesn't need me as much, and I think that's okay. She's happy but that doesn't mean I can't be too. I mean, I don't think I'll be able to move on from her but at the very least, I wanna be able to love her without being selfish and wanting her all to myself. And I'll be stronger the next time the internet decides I'm not enough. I'm sorry I let it all get to me."

"You idiot, you have nothing to be sorry for. You're only human; you're allowed to be hurt. Just remember that you're not alone. I'm here, and you don't have to hide from me, alright?"

"My mom told me the same thing. I'm glad. "

Jisoo hesitates before breathing out, "I think I like Chaeyoung."

Lisa only nods. "I know."

"Yah! You couldn't pretend to be surprised?"

Lisa laughs. "You're not as good at hiding as I am, Chu."

"I resent that!" Jisoo says as she drops snow on Lisa's face.

"But seriously though. It's okay if you're not sure. And it's okay if you are. Either way, you have time. I'm also here for you, okay?"

Jisoo smiles, letting herself breathe again. "Okay."

\--------------------

Jisoo wishes she had Lisa's false composure right about now. They had stepped into the dorm still drenched and shivering, and maybe she should have predicted that Chaeyoung and Jennie would fuss over them.

"What the hell happened to you both?" Jennie asks as soon as they step inside.

"Unnie, you're both shaking!" Chaeyoung says as she steps forward to strip Jisoo's coat off. Jisoo absolutely hates that her face heats up.

"Lisa, what even…" Jennie adds as she too pulls off Lisa's coat and brings her into her arms, rubbing her hands almost violently on her back. Jisoo wants to hate that Lisa only smiles at Jennie's concern but then she sees how the tips of her ears are red and knows that the blonde is just as much a blubbering mess as she is inside.

"Jen, you'll get drenched too," Lisa says through chattering teeth.

"Oh my God, you're freezing!" Jennie exclaims, completely ignoring the state of her own clothes. Stepping away, she takes Lisa's hands, cups them just in front of her mouth, and blows on them. Jisoo couldn't help snickering at Lisa's dumbstruck look.

Frowning, Jennie tugs Lisa forward, almost dragging her to their youngest's room. "Shower. Now."

Before she knew it, Jisoo's left alone with Chaeyoung who stands in front of her with a worried look on her face. Jisoo wonders if the earth could open up beneath her feet and swallow her whole.

She clears her throat awkwardly. "I'll-I'll shower too. Meet you guys for dinner and a movie?"

Jisoo barely sees Chaeyoung's nod before she's scurrying away.

\--------------------

Lisa had fallen asleep halfway through the movie, apparently too exhausted to keep her eyes open, head lulling and falling on Jennie's shoulder. She worried about the puffiness of the blonde's eyes and the seemingly permanent furrow of her brow. Trying to provide whatever comfort she could, Jennie had brushed away Lisa's hair and tucked it behind an ear. Lisa had grumbled in her sleep before moving to press her face against the crook of Jennie's neck, prompting the other girl to wrap an arm around her shoulders, holding her close and shifting slightly to lean her back against the armrest to accommodate Lisa's height.

She didn't even notice Jisoo pausing the movie until she spoke.

"Is she asleep?"

Jennie nods gently. "She fell asleep a few minutes ago. Is she okay?" She asks, voice barely above a whisper.

Jisoo sighs and grabs Chaeyoung's hand to fiddle with. She explains everything that she knows from what their manager and Lisa told her, seemingly unwilling to check what the people are saying about their youngest herself. The more Jisoo talks, the angrier Jennie gets because Lisa doesn't deserve any of it. They fall into an uncomfortable silence after her explanation, Jennie's anger simmering in her chest. She thinks about Lisa who barely sleeps, Lisa who keeps taking care of them, Lisa who makes her feel safe and loved.

"She doesn't deserve this," Jennie whispers lowly.

"Neither do you, Jendeukie."

And Jennie isn't so sure of that, not when she can remember Lisa's sad, sad eyes when they found out that she's dating Kai. She feels like she deserves to be hurt at least a little bit because Lisa was sad and struggling and lost because of her even if Jennie doesn't know _why_. There's something stirring in her chest as she pulls Lisa tighter against her, breath hitching as the blonde lets out a sleepy sigh against her neck.

"What can we do?" Jennie asks even as she doesn't tear her gaze away from Lisa's form.

"I don't think we need to do anything aside from be there for her. Lisa's a strong girl. I think she's stronger than even we give her credit for," Jisoo pauses. "Honestly, I think she just needs you."

Jennie's eyes snap back to Jisoo in surprise. "What do you mean?"

Jisoo shrugs. "She's happiest when she's with you."

Chaeyoung steps in. "Lisa won't ask. We all know she'd rather not worry us, but Jennie-unnie, she lets herself breathe when you're around. And I agree with Jisoo-unnie – I think that's all she needs."

Jennie doesn't know what to say to that, and it frustrates her that she doesn't understand anything she feels right now. She doesn't understand why she's so important to Lisa, doesn't understand the warmth she feels at the thought, doesn't understand why having the blonde in her arms like this feels nothing short of _right_. But now is not the time to think about it, and that's the only thing Jennie knows. So, instead of giving the other two a response, she shifts again, pressing a hand on Lisa's head to keep her in place as she lifts her legs and lies them on the couch.

Lisa hums, and Jennie feels more than sees her eyes open. "Ni? You okay?" The blonde asks, words slurred and sleep-addled, and it fills Jennie with something soft and something light, leaving her oddly breathless.

Jennie hums an affirmative. "Go back to sleep, Lili."

Lisa slips her arms around Jennie's waist in response, moving sluggishly as she presses her forehead against the brunette's neck and tangles their legs together so much so that Jennie couldn't tell where her limbs ended and where Lisa's began. "'Kay."

When Jisoo gives her a gentle, knowing smile like she's privy to a secret she should know about, Jennie inexplicably blushes.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chaeyoung and Lisa get drunk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: internalized homophobia and drinking

Chaeyoung has always known.

Despite being able to talk about anything under the sun, Lisa's feelings for Jennie was the one thing they left behind in every conversation. Chaeyoung only knows because it was the only thing that could explain most of what Lisa does. The blonde would come home, obviously tired from her schedule for the day, and she would still keep herself awake up until Jennie walks through the front door. Sometimes, Lisa would forget to buy food for herself but would never fail to bring home Jennie's ice cream and gummy bears. Lisa could be asleep or in the middle of a conversation or enjoying a movie but the moment thunder disrupts the peace, she would get up and be in Jennie's room before any of them could blink.

In a way, Chaeyoung was glad that they didn't talk about it. She had grown up with the ideals of a religion deeply ingrained in her brain, and it took a while for her to understand why Lisa's quiet but encompassing love for Jennie scared her. There was a time when she would spend every Sunday in church, manipulating her schedule to make sure that she'd be kneeling on a pew and praying for forgiveness for something she couldn't choose. There was a time when she wanted to be angry and disgusted and hateful, but above everything that her childhood taught her, it was always that love is patient and kind. And when she comes home after every Sunday to Lisa's warm hugs and a paper bag full of snacks, Chaeyoung couldn't find it in herself to be angry and disgusted and hateful. Not with Lisa, and slowly, gradually, not even with herself.

At first, she didn't think to question why Lisa's love scared her. She had been content to think that it was because of what religion taught her, what her childhood ingrained in her. But then, Kim Jisoo came into her life, and suddenly, everything that Chaeyoung has ever known didn't seem so true anymore.

How could she bear to hate Lisa when Chaeyoung now knows that there was no dictating who her heart should fall for? How could she even think of being disgusted when Chaeyoung only feels like everything's going to be okay when she's in Jisoo's arms? How could she feel hate when all that Chaeyoung feels when she's with Jisoo is fondness and attraction and everything else that makes her feel like she could write thousands of songs dedicated to her?

So yes, Chaeyoung was glad that she and Lisa left the topic alone because it gave her time to answer her own questions. She still doesn't know when Jisoo became more than a friend to her, but at the very least, she was done finding things that were wrong with how she feels because they were pretty much non-existent.

But now, she was ready, and she could sense that Lisa seemed to be in a better place to have the conversation they've been putting off for years.

After the Jennie and Kai debacle that Chaeyoung honestly wanted to forget, something in Lisa must have shifted. In the span of months, Chaeyoung watched as the blonde seemed to grow in more ways than one. Lisa stopped fumbling with her heart the way she did when she was torn between being in love with Jennie and just moving on because it was too painful. Instead, the blonde seemed to have accepted that loving Jennie was always how she'd be.

Chaeyoung saw her acceptance in the little things. Lisa didn't seem to need to be with Jennie all the time, but she always gave the other girl her full attention when they were together. Lisa stopped doing things with the expectation that Jennie would notice her; she simply did them because the blonde loved Jennie, and that was that. Lisa took better care of herself, and Chaeyoung didn't think it was possible but she also took better care of Jennie in a way that made her think that there was no one in the world who could love her the way Lisa does.

Instead of breaking, having her heart crushed only seemed to shape Lisa into a better, stronger, and braver person. And Chaeyoung watched as Lisa's love became something unconscious, something fundamental, and something effortless for the blonde. She envied it, and it was that realization that finally pushed her to address the topic.

\--------------------

They had just released the music video for _Kill This Love_. While Jennie opted to use the latter half of the day to see her mother and while Jisoo was dragged to a meeting about her upcoming cameo in a drama, Chaeyoung and Lisa made their way back to the dorm. And the former would never admit this to anyone, but she has been preparing for the conversation they were about to have long before she understood anything about how she felt for Jisoo.

"Lis?" She calls as soon as they step into their dorm.

"Yeah?" Lisa says as she bends down to untie her shoes by the front door just as Chaeyoung moves into the dorm to retrieve the two bottles of wine she stashed where the other girls wouldn't see.

"Wanna have a drink with me?"

She hears Lisa follow her into the kitchen, watching her as she pops open the first bottle and retrieves two wine glasses.

"What are we drinking to? We have a schedule tomorrow. Won't the unnies be mad at us?"

Chaeyoung shrugs, feeling ridiculously nervous. "It's more a question of why I'm gonna need a drink. I think there's something we need to talk about."

Lisa peers at her, narrowing her eyes slightly, no doubt seeing the way her hands tremble as she fills the glasses. "Chaeng, are you nervous?"

She gives the blonde a sheepish smile. "Maybe?"

"You're not confessing to me, are you?" Lisa asks with a teasing smile though Chaeyoung could see the tiny bit of panic in her eyes.

"No, Lalisa. We both know who your heart belongs to."

Lisa doesn't even deny it. "Oh, thank goodness, I couldn't bear it if I had to hurt you."

The banter relaxes the part of Chaeyoung that was terrified of the conversation they were about to have. She had been scared because telling Lisa feels like it will make everything real, and she isn't really sure if she's ready for that but if she doesn't tell anyone, she's afraid she might burst.

"Couch or bedroom?"

Lisa grabs the other wine glass and takes a sip from it. "I think… couch."

They move to the living room, and Chaeyoung ignores the incredulous look on the blonde's face when she grabs the two bottles of wine with her. They settle on either side of the couch. She's grateful when she feels Lisa's toes nudging their own, grateful that the other girl knew exactly how to comfort her in the simplest ways. For a while, no one speaks as they both take sips from their respective glasses. Chaeyoung doesn't really know how to start this conversation, and she could feel Lisa's curious gaze burning holes in her face. She decides to start small. Baby steps, she thinks.

"How have you been? I feel like we haven't had time to bond like this since the beginning of the year," she asks carefully, unsure of how Lisa will react to the memories from January.

She needn't have worried though because a look of pride crosses Lisa's face. "I'm doing really good, actually. I've been spending more time dancing, so that's always good. You? Are you okay, Chaeyoung-ah?"

"I think," she pauses to swallow another mouthful of wine, "I think I'm doing okay?"

"That a question or an answer?"

"To be honest, I'm not really sure," Chaeyoung chuckles, her nerves resurfacing.

"Well, how do you feel right now?"

"Nervous, I guess? We've never really talked about some things, and I don't really know how to bring it up. But at the same time, I feel like we need to talk about it because there's no one else in this world I trust more than you."

Lisa nods. She lifts the opened bottle and gestures for her glass. Chaeyoung watches as she refills both glasses, and she thinks that at the rate they're going, they're probably going to finish both bottles by the time night falls. Lisa seems to be thinking along the same lines as she taps the bottle in her hand before placing it back on the coffee table.

"I hope you have more alcohol then. It's only four in the afternoon, and if you wanna talk about whatever it is before the unnies come home, we're gonna have to drink a lot more than this for liquid courage."

"What happened to having a schedule and angering the unnies?" Chaeyoung teases.

"Those are problems for future us. We don't have to think about it yet. And anyway, don't think I won't be forcing the both of us to drink as much water as possible the moment they text they're on their way home."

"They're coming back together, right?"

Lisa hums an affirmative. Chaeyoung gets up from the couch, trudging her way back into the kitchen to pull out their lone bottle of _soju_ that they reserve for when they had time to be hungover. They certainly didn't have that kind of time right now, but Chaeyoung thinks that they could forgive themselves for this if only because they needed it. She plops down on the couch, the coffee table slowly filling up with bottles of alcohol. The blonde eyes everything.

"Oh, we're going to regret this."

"I thought it was a future us problem?"

Lisa nods resolutely. "Well, Chaeyoungie, are you gonna talk, or am I gonna keep guessing?"

"Actually, maybe that would be easier. Ask me questions and I'll answer?"

Lisa began with questions about her family, and when that didn't lead to anything, she asked the other girl about what she thought about their schedules. They talked at length about how it was rewarding but also incredibly exhausting, how they wouldn't change anything for the world but it would be nice to have a few hours of sleep for weeks on end. It was freeing to rant with Lisa as they finished off the first bottle of wine and moved on to the second, and Chaeyoung could only hope that when the blonde finally decides to broach the elephant in the room, it would feel just as gratifying.

Just when she thought she was going to have to bring it up herself, Lisa hesitates on her next question as she slowly rotates the wine glass in her hand.

"Is this… is it about Jennie?" The name falls past Lisa's lips like a prayer, reverent and soft.

Chaeyoung nods. "Kind of? I mean, I know we don't talk about it, but I thought it was high time that we do. Actually, I have a confession to make."

She swallows the rest of her wine and watches Lisa do the same before refilling both of their glasses. There's a pleasant buzz in her head, and she feels loose and warm enough to be brave.

"I've always known," Chaeyoung starts. "About your feelings for Jennie-unnie, I mean."

"How'd you know?"

"I think… I only knew because we were going through the same thing," she says. At Lisa's understanding look, she sips her wine and struggles to put everything into words. They really should have talked about this sooner, she thinks idly.

"I knew I wasn't straight even before YG," Chaeyoung explains. "I knew I was different even before I felt for anyone the way I do about Jisoo."

If Lisa was shocked, she doesn't show it. The blonde only takes a sip from her own glass before taking the other girl's hand in comfort.

"You know that I spent most of my time in a church before I came here. I still go, but I don't do it as desperately as I did once upon a time. Before, I went because I thought I needed divine intervention. I didn't want to be different. I wanted to have the fairytale stories I grew up with; the princess falling in love with the prince. It was always easy to convince myself that I didn't want a princess. I loved doing my makeup and wearing dresses and doing what any girl would do.

"And then, I met you. You were this lanky kid who didn't care about how she looked or acted," Lisa nudges her, prompting her to smile. "You were always mischievous and kind of boyish, and you stood out to me because I knew you were different too."

"Why is it that you're only telling me now that you have a perfect gaydar?"

Chaeyoung chuckles, thankful for the levity. "You never asked."

"You never told me."

"Touché."

She takes another sip before continuing. "Anyway, I met you and I felt confronted by the fact that everyone is different in their own way. Then, you met Jennie-unnie. It was so obvious to me that you were smitten with her within the first few weeks, you know. To be fair, she befriended you when no one else did, but there was always something different from the way you look at her. And that scared me."

"It scared me too," Lisa whispers, shuddering at the memory.

"I thought I was alone, and because I was alone, I could hide it from everyone. I wanted to be angry with you for ruining that for me, but that wasn't fair to you. And I'm just… I'm sorry because I really tried to hate that part of you. I know now that that was more because I was afraid of who I am and because I was so angry at everything that made me different from everyone else. But that still doesn't change the fact that for a while, I hated you because of something you didn't choose."

A sad kind of hurt swims in Lisa's eyes alongside a hesitation that doesn't belong there. "Do you… Do you still hate that part of me?"

Chaeyoung shakes her head adamantly. "No. I hated _me_. You were just the perfect target for my frustration, and that's unfair. I'm sorry."

Lisa pulls her into a side hug. "It's okay. I'm glad we're talking about it now."

"Me too," Chaeyoung sniffs. "I grew up around people who thought being different was a sin. But then I look at you and how you love Jennie-unnie, and I couldn't understand how anyone could think something so pure was so wrong. I ended up realizing a lot of things over the years. It's honestly been a roller coaster."

"I wish you told me before. I could have been there for you."

"I think I needed to go through it alone. If you had confronted me about it or if I told you before I was ready, I think I would have reverted back to old habits."

"That's also true," Lisa muses. "Now that I think about it, I might have also been too taken with Jennie to handle anything else. I struggled with it even though my mom accepted it."

"Your mom knows?"

"She's the first to ever tell me that she noticed," the blonde chuckles. "But before that, I struggled because the feelings were so big and so overwhelming and it was all kinds of terrifying. I moved to another country alone, hardly knew anyone, went through a hell of a lot of training, and then there's this girl who gives me heart attacks by _breathing_. It was too much. It took me years to even be comfortable with the fact that I was gonna have to hide who I was even to the people I love."

Chaeyoung could tell from the faraway look in Lisa's eyes that the memories were still raw to her. It makes her think that she would probably never meet anyone who was as strong as her. Lisa shakes her head before reaching for the bottle of wine, seemingly dragging herself away from the memories.

"What do you love about her?" She asks curiously, feeling something like relief take up residence in her chest because she's waited so long to have this conversation with Lisa.

"I don't think we have enough time for me to go into that, Chaeng," Lisa laughs, a blush dusting her cheeks. "I mean, I'm not so blind as to claim that she's perfect because no one is. We all have our flaws, but what makes it so hard for me not to love her is that she tries to be better every day. And every day, I fall a little more in love with her. It's ridiculous."

Chaeyoung coos at her, always the hopeless romantic. "Why don't you tell her?"

Lisa pauses, contemplating the question. "Maybe because it's hopeless? Or I don't know. I'm scared, I guess."

"Scared of what?"

"I'm scared she'll leave. I'm scared that she wouldn't be able to keep being friends with me if she finds out just how much I feel for her and what she does to me. And I'd really rather have her like this, like a friend, than not at all."

Chaeyoung hums, acknowledging her statement. "But don't you think it's unfair to her because you're hiding this big thing from her and she's trusting you with pretty much everything?"

"That's true. I'm tempted to say that what she doesn't know won't hurt her but that doesn't seem like a good excuse. It's just that the thought of risking what we have right now for something I couldn't choose isn't worth it. I'd rather keep hiding it than risk losing her," Lisa grimaces. "I'm thinking about it right now and it hurts a lot to think that I'd lose her."

"What if you don't though? And what if she falls in love with someone else? Won't that hurt a lot more because you'd regret not ever telling her?"

Lisa turns to her as she pops open the _soju_. "Are we still talking about Jennie or are we talking about Jisoo-unnie now?

Chaeyoung shrugs. "Both, I guess? I wanna know what you think because I don't know what to do about Jisoo."

"I just want Jennie to be happy. I won't lie; it will probably break my heart like you couldn't imagine if she falls in love with someone else. It hurt like hell when we found out about her and Kai. Thank God that didn't last," Lisa rolls her eyes, and Chaeyoung can't help but think that their youngest is adorable when she turns into a potty mouth the closer she gets to being drunk. "But I've also learned how to not be selfish with how I love her. I've accepted it. I'm so damn in love with Jennie, and that's that. No buts, no ands. I'm not expecting anything from her. I just want her to be happy."

And Chaeyoung has so much more to say, like what if Jennie loves her back and what if she's just waiting for a chance to fall in love with Lisa, but they've already talked about a lot more than she thought they would. She kind of wants to save the conversation for the following days to give her the time she needs to make up for the years they've neglected talking about it all. So, she lets the topic drop, settling against the armrest as Lisa passes the _soju_.

"So, what about you?"

"What about me?"

"When did you know that you're in love with Chichu?"

Chaeyoung smiles, free and light and easy. "It was that interview when Jisoo said she'd date me because I'd write songs for her. She's not wrong."

\--------------------

Jennie and Jisoo paused warily outside their dorm. It was nearing 10 p.m., and they were tired. All they wanted to do was take a shower and sleep until their manager calls them for their next schedule. Now that they're so close to getting what they want, they find themselves hesitating to even open the door. And it's all because of the ruckus that was filtering through the wood and cement that separated them from their home.

"They're going to kill us," Jennie hears Chaeyoung's slightly slurred voice.

"What do you mean 'us'?" She hears Lisa next. "This was your bright idea. If anyone's going to die, it's you."

"You'd leave me alone to face their wrath?"

"Shut up, and drink your goddamn water, Park Chaeyoung."

Jennie knows that Lisa only cusses when she's not entirely sober. She shares an exasperated look with Jisoo before quietly turning the doorknob, not wanting to alert the occupants.

"Oh my God, we're going to die. I'm too fucking young to die," Lisa moans woefully. Jennie stifles a laugh.

"Don't use the Lord's name in vain."

"Are you… Did you just quote the Bible at me? Were you hoping I'd burn?"

"I apologized for that!"

"So, once upon a time, you _did_ want me to burn? Holy shit, Chaeng, that's low!"

"If you burn, I burn, remember?"

"That's not comforting, you asshole."

Jisoo presses her finger against her lips to which Jennie nods as they creep closer to the kitchen, dropping their bags softly by the hallway.

"Did you hide the bottles?"

"Under my bed," Chaeyoung answers. "I feel like a rebellious teenager."

"Drink your water, child."

"I'm literally drowning myself in water, Lisa. What more do you want?"

"Drown more."

"I hate you."

"No, you don't."

"You're right, I hate myself."

"Same. If I die, will you do my eulogy?"

"Only if you do the same thing for me."

"Deal."

"Wait, what if we both die? Who's going to do our eulogy?"

"...I'm not sober enough for this, Chaeng."

Jennie walks quietly behind Jisoo. She spots the two girls sitting opposite each other on the kitchen island, each with a tall glass of water in their hands and hugging it like it was their lifeline. They were both in their sweats, looking worse for the wear. They haven't noticed them yet, and she spies Jisoo's mischievous wink from the corner of her eye before erasing all emotion from her face. Jennie crosses her arms, silently agreeing to play the role. Just as they sipped water, Jisoo announced their presence.

"What are you two doing?"

Lisa chokes.

Chaeyoung falls off her chair.

Jennie has to use all her years of training to not burst into laughter at the comical shock on both their faces. Chaeyoung struggles to pick herself up from the floor. Lisa just sounds like she's trying to hack up a lung as she stumbles around the island to help her partner-in-crime up. They grip each other's hands, looking terrified out of their wits.

"Do we run?" Chaeyoung asks, leaning against an equally wobbly Lisa, presumably trying to whisper. She's pretty much unsuccessful.

"Where? They're blocking the way to the front door. Unless you want to jump out the window. I wouldn't be opposed."

"So…" Chaeyoung gulps as Jisoo fixes her with a look. "Bow?"

"Bow," Lisa agrees before promptly kneeling, touching her forehead to the floor, and dragging Chaeyoung with her.

Jisoo brings a hand up to her mouth in an effort to stop her laughter while Jennie bites on her lip to do the same.

"You're both very beautiful, and we're very sorry!" Chaeyoung shouts at the tiled floor.

"That doesn't make sense," Lisa mumbles.

"You do it then."

"Fine." Lisa takes in a very audible breath like she's trying to suck the dust from the floor. "We're very sorry, unnies. We're not wasted, but we're also not very sober. We've both been drinking water, and we won't complain about our hangovers tomorrow. We love you, please don't kill us."

"I'm impressed."

"Shut up, Chaeng," Lisa hisses at her companion.

They make both girls wait in their misery for a moment. And then, Chaeyoung nudges Lisa, which makes the unstable blonde fall to her side. Jisoo lets out a bark of laughter at the same time that Jennie tries to cover up a snort. Chaeyoung looks up at them pitifully, her bleary gaze fixed on Jisoo as Lisa groans beside her. Jennie chuckles before moving to crouch in front of Lisa leaving Jisoo to help Chaeyoung up. Lisa looks up at her with her big, doe eyes.

"Hi," Lisa breathes out, a small, hesitant smile on her face.

Jennie flicks her forehead gently before returning the smile.

"Hey. Are you gonna stay down there all night?"

Lisa pushes herself up, her lithe frame slightly trembling from the exertion, and Jennie holds her hands out just in case she falls. As soon as she's steady on her feet, Lisa reaches for the glass of water and gulps down half of it before shyly shuffling towards Jennie, arms held out and an adorable pout on her lips. The brunette sighs amusedly before wrapping her own arms around Lisa's waist.

"Welcome home," Lisa whispers against her temple.

"You smell like alcohol, Lisa-yah."

"Sorry. It's Chaeyoung's fault," the blonde drops her chin on Jennie's shoulder, melting into the embrace.

"I heard. You're both in trouble tomorrow when you're sober."

Lisa only hums as Jennie rubs her back, the sound traveling down her spine. She shivers before stepping closer to Lisa, surrendering herself to the sheer warmth that she radiates. They haven't had time to be this close in a while, both busy trying to keep up with everything life was throwing at them. Unbidden, she remembers the mess that was January and the last time she had Lisa wrapped around her like this. Since then, the blonde seemed to be more focused on giving everything she could possibly give to their craft. Jennie wasn't blind to the shift, and she worried that she might have caused a rift between them.

But then, Lisa seemed to always be there when she needed someone, always ready to make her smile or encourage her or give her something she didn't know she needed. She was more caring and thoughtful, more open. But Jennie could feel that there was something Lisa was hiding. For the life of her, she couldn't figure out what it was, and even though she trusted Lisa to tell her when she was ready, she kind of got the sense that it wasn't something Lisa would come to her about if she could help it. And that was the one thing that still worried Jennie.

"Are you okay?" She couldn't help asking.

"I'm always okay when I have you like this," was the prompt answer.

The words take residence somewhere in her chest, and her heart beats a little faster. Jennie doesn't know if it's shock or something else. Lisa's always flirty and touchy, and she never knows when she's being serious. So, she chuckles nervously in response, careful not to tense lest she make Lisa think that she's making her uncomfortable.

"I'm serious, Li. Are you okay?"

"I am," Lisa says before stepping back from the embrace and scrunching her eyebrows. "I hate sobering up. Actually, no, I hate drinking."

"Then why did you?"

"Chaeng and I needed to talk about something that required liquid courage," she says as she leans on the counter and takes another sip of water. Jennie moves to sit beside her.

"Care to share?"

Lisa smiles softly at her. "'It's a secret."

The brunette lifts an eyebrow. "Should I be worried?"

"About me? Always."

Before she could come up with a response, Jisoo clears her throat. Jennie jumps, having honestly forgotten that they weren't alone. Chaeyoung is nowhere to be found, but she could hear the music that the girl usually plays when she's showering. Lisa jolts beside her, suddenly standing up straight and gulping down the rest of the water. She wipes her mouth before dropping a soft kiss on Jennie's forehead.

"I'm gonna go shower. You're right. I stink."

Slightly put out by the blonde's hasty but affectionate exit, Jennie turns to Jisoo who only shrugs in response.

"I swear those two should never be left alone. They get up to the weirdest things."

"Any idea what that's about?" Jennie asks.

Jisoo stares at her like she's trying to figure something out. She couldn't help but fidget at the attention. "What?"

"Nothing," Jisoo responds almost too quickly. She sighs. "I'm trying to figure out if you really don't know or you're playing dumb."

_That_ confuses her even more. "What do you mean?"

Jisoo shrugs again. "I don't know whatever it was they talked about. Chaeyoung didn't answer me too, which is weird considering she could never lie to me. But I may have an idea about what Lisa wanted to share."

"And you won't tell me?"

"Nope."

"Then why won't Lisa tell me?" Jennie wonders out loud because Lisa was usually an open book to her. It _was_ strange, now that she thinks about it, how Lisa seems to say everything and nothing at the same time whenever they get the chance to talk. More often than not, it was always about work and their families, but Lisa never seemed to say anything about herself these days.

She's brought out of her thoughts by Jisoo's giggling, a fond kind of exasperation in her eyes. "Jennie-yah, Lisa's been telling you for _years_. She just doesn't tell you in words. When you're ready to find out what it is, look a little closer. You might be surprised to find that she screams it in everything she does."

"What does that even mean?"

Jisoo only laughs at her expense.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennie finds out in moments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was your new year's celebration?

Jennie finds out in moments.

She takes Jisoo's riddle and mulls it over and over in her mind. It didn't make sense. What could have Lisa been trying to tell her for so long, years apparently, that she couldn't just say outright? Why would she have to look closer? Why couldn't she just ask Lisa and be done with it?

But every time she thinks she's going to bring it up, something always stops Jennie. She didn't know if it was hesitation or fear or anxiety. And that's perplexing in and of itself because what could Lisa be hiding that was so big that it would make Jennie afraid? Lisa wasn't one to hide either. She was always loud and honest and open. To think that the blonde could be telling her something without actually saying it feels almost unfathomable to her.

She knows that Jisoo was definitely in on what it was. She put Chaeyoung down as a maybe. Either way, it seemed that everyone around her knew except her, which makes this entire thing all the more frustrating.

A part of her wants to be mad at Lisa for making her worry about something that was potentially nothing. But the bigger part of her, the part that matters, wants to know because she's scared she'll lose Lisa if she lets her keep hiding, because it feels like something big, something she doesn't want to miss.

So, she takes Jisoo's advice to heart. And that's how she finds out.

\--------------------

Jennie watches as Lisa stumbles her way to the kitchen and sits down beside her. She didn't look any better than Chaeyoung, who was sat beside Jisoo. Lisa kept her eyes closed as she groped around for the cup of coffee, only opening them when her pinky hit the mug Jisoo had prepared for her. Wordlessly, Chaeyoung hands her an Advil that she gratefully accepts and downs with her coffee, which probably isn't the healthiest thing to do. It kind of makes Jennie want to coo at her.

"How are your heads?" Jisoo asks loudly, apparently not feeling merciful today.

Lisa and Chaeyoung groan as one, the former's head dropping heavily on Jennie's shoulder.

"Unnie," Chaeyoung says, her voice cracking in the middle. "Volume, please."

"Oh, is that a complaint I hear? I was told you weren't going to be complaining today," Jisoo quips to which Chaeyoung drops her head on the table in response. "Hopefully, that'll teach you both _not_ to drink when you know we have a schedule the next day."

Jennie snickers as Chaeyoung lifts her hand up to sign an 'ok' before letting it drop down to her side and pressing her head against Jisoo's arm. Setting her mug down, Jennie gently lifts the shoulder Lisa's laying on in an attempt to get her attention.

"Jen," Lisa whines softly. "Don't move, it makes me dizzy."

She hums. "And whose fault is that?"

Lisa moves deeper into her before whispering, "mine."

Jennie's not really sure if she's talking about the drinking or something else. "I thought it was Chaeyoung's?"

"Hers too," the blonde agrees readily.

"I didn't hear you complaining after the second bottle, Lisa," Chaeyoung retorts from her place on Jisoo's shoulder, looking straight at Lisa.

There was a moment of silence that has Jennie lifting her gaze from her cup of coffee. She catches a split second of understanding between Lisa and Chaeyoung before they both blushed bright red. They sat up straight with Lisa hiding her face under her hood. Chaeyoung had nothing to use to achieve the same effect so she settled on focusing her eyes on her mug even as the blush crept to her ears.

Jennie thinks that her confusion is justified. She tries to catch Lisa's eyes from under the hood but the blonde only bows her head lower, obviously avoiding looking at her. Jisoo pokes Chaeyoung's cheek which only makes her redder.

"What's happening?" Jennie asks.

Lisa visibly shivers. Jennie could feel her eyebrows inching up to her hairline at the reaction.

"Yah, why are you both blushing?" Jisoo pokes Chaeyoung's cheek again.

Chaeyoung downs her coffee in one go before standing up. "We-I'm! I'm going to shower," she says before practically running away.

Eerily in sync, Jennie and Jisoo turn to Lisa. The blonde only tugs her hoodie downward all the while sipping her coffee to keep her mouth occupied.

Jennie juts her bottom lip out and makes sure that Lisa can see her from the corner of her eye. "Lisa-yah…"

Not for the first time in 24 hours, Lisa chokes before downing her coffee much like Chaeyoung did. "I'm gonna shower too! We have Music Core in a few hours, right?"

Jennie doesn't really know what to make of that. One thing's for sure though: whatever it was that Lisa was hiding from her had something to do with Chaeyoung.

\--------------------

The one thing she hated about their dorm is that the walls are exceptionally thin for a place so expensive. She had been sleeping when she was woken up by the sound of someone entering Lisa's room, which was right next to hers. She tried going back to sleep when it became clear that they were fawning over new choreography. But then, the music from their phones as well as their laughter stopped. Jennie really wasn't trying to listen in on whatever was happening; after all, if the mess that was January taught her anything, it was that she valued privacy above anything. She couldn't help it though, not when Chaeyoung and Lisa might be discussing something about how weird they've both been acting over the past few days.

"You know, it was easier to hide when we weren't talking about it," she hears Lisa remark ruefully.

"Is it weird that I agree with you? It's like the moment I told you, everything became too real and overwhelming. I think I've blushed more this past week than I did in all the years I've been alive."

"Why don't you just tell her, Chaeng? Put us both out of our misery."

"Why don't _you_ tell Jennie-unnie? You never know, she might just _stay_ for you."

Lisa shushes her quickly. "You're too loud and the walls are too thin."

Their voices drop, and Jennie has to strain her ears to keep listening.

"I don't think I'm brave enough to tell Chu, Lis. I mean, I've only just managed to accept that this," Chaeyoung pauses, "is even a thing I have to deal with. I've only just told _you_. I don't think I'm anywhere near ready to tell her anything."

Lisa doesn't answer for a while, seemingly trying to digest what Chaeyoung was telling her. "You know why I can't tell Jennie."

Lisa's voice trembles in the way she knows it does when she's scared and uncertain. Jennie hugs her pillow closer to her chest. She doesn't know what it is that Lisa can't tell her, but at the very least, she doesn't think that the blonde should ever be afraid; not of her. But she was, and Jennie doesn't know what to do beyond letting the ache of it all settle somewhere in her.

"I know," Chaeyoung answers her. "What do we do then? At this rate, they're going to end up confronting us about it. You can't lie to Jennie-unnie to save your life; I can't lie to Jisoo for pretty much the same reason."

Jennie thinks it's curious that Chaeyoung doesn't call Jisoo _unnie_ when she's not with her. She stores the information away for later.

"We hide," Lisa says in a tone so low and so sad that Jennie doesn't think she could lay here and pretend that she can't hear her hurting. "We hide, and we learn to do it better. What else can we do? I-I can't lose her. I don't think I'd survive it."

And Jennie… Jennie doesn't understand what could be so big that it could convince Lisa that she would walk away from her if she knew. She clutches the pillow closer still, trying to keep herself where she is. She wants to confront Lisa about it if only to reassure her that she could never leave her, especially not when she knows what leaving means to Lisa. But this is a conversation that she wasn't supposed to hear, and she understood that Lisa was entitled to her own secrets. She understood, but that didn't make it any easier for her to keep still, to not reach out and pull Lisa into her.

"God," Chaeyoung remarks, sounding frustrated. "How did you do this for _years_? It's been a week for me. I feel so much and all at the same time. I feel like I'm going to drown at the thought that I'm going to be hiding this for as long as you have."

Lisa chuckles, the sound empty and humorless. It makes Jennie feel all kinds of wrong, and she worries that if she peeled enough of the blonde's defenses, she'll find someone broken and hurting. "I still have her. That's a breath of fresh air for me. It's more than enough, more than I could ever ask for. It's why I don't drown."

"You don't have her in the way you want though."

"No," Lisa agrees. "No, I don't. I've learned to accept that. For what it's worth though, I hope for your sake, Chaeng, that you would never have to accept the hopelessness in the way I have. And I don't think you'll ever have to. You just have to be brave enough to the one thing I won't do."

"You can't possibly know that it's not hopeless for me."

"Can't I?" Lisa asks teasingly. "Trust me on this. You just need a little bit of courage, and everything else will fall into place."

Lisa doesn't say anything more even as Chaeyoung tries to pry information out of her. Jennie lets herself relax, forcefully directing her attention elsewhere. She'd already intruded more than she wanted to. Jennie wonders if she should feel bad that she doesn't regret it. She learned more than she did during the past week, and now she knows that Lisa was hiding something about and from her.

Jennie tries to summarize it all into something that she could understand and process: Lisa has been hiding whatever it was for years because she thinks that if Jennie knew, she would leave her; Jisoo and Chaeyoung know what it is, and Lisa has purposefully left her out of it not because she didn't trust her but because she was downright terrified. And all she needed to do, if she wanted the secrets to stop, is to look a little closer.

(There's also the fact that Lisa wants her in some way, but Jennie stores it away for later. After all, _wanting_ is a big word because it implies hope and invades dreams).

For the first time, Jennie asks herself if she really needed to know, if she was anywhere near ready to find out what it was that Lisa was hiding. Yes, she wanted to promise the blonde that she could never leave, that that's the last thing she should ever have to worry about. But at the same time, it kind of scared her because the way Lisa talked about it, the way Jisoo described it, the way Chaeyoung referred to it, meant that it was something that was as easy as breathing to the blonde. It meant that it was part of who Lisa was, part of who she has been for years.

Again, she asks herself if she's ready to know.

For weeks, Jennie fails to give herself an answer.

\--------------------

She avoids it whenever possible. She tries not to watch Lisa too closely. She stops herself before she could look deeper into the way Lisa does things. She doesn't eavesdrop. Jennie would like to say that her avoidance was going well, but there were times when Lisa does things and it makes it impossible for her to look away.

Like the time Jennie felt homesick because they'd been flying all over the world and it made her feel like she has no home to speak of even though she knew that her mother was one phone call away. She didn't want to bother her mother because she knew that she was busy with her own work. The girls already had enough to worry about without Jennie adding to the list, and the last thing she wanted to be was a burden.

If there was something that she should have known though, it was that she could never really hide from Lisa. The blonde had taken one look at her over breakfast, and it was as if no matter how hard Jennie had tried to hide the fact that she had been crying just a couple of hours before, Lisa could still see it. She was almost glad that Lisa didn't mention it even when she could see the sympathy in her doe eyes.

They had different schedules today. Jisoo and Chaeyoung were going out to check out the new café near the YG building. Something about the way the latter blushed almost constantly had Jennie wondering if maybe it was more of a date than an outing. Lisa had dance practice for her solo stage. They had all left before her, and it didn't really help her homesickness.

Just as she was about to get ready for the photoshoot she had for the day, their manager-unnie called her to tell her that the shoot was canceled and that she had the entire day to herself. Jennie didn't know whether to feel relieved or anxious.

She had been all set to spend the day on her bed when someone knocked on her bedroom door. Wondering if one of the girls forgot something, she got up. Nothing could have prepared her for who greeted her.

"Mom?" She gasps, utterly shocked. Her mother smiles, the corners of her mouth wrinkling and reminding Jennie of homecooked meals and half-eaten muffins.

"Surprise?"

Jennie jumps into her arms and folds herself against her mother's body, greedily soaking in the warmth she's missed. Her mother laughs, fond and soft and loving.

"How-Why are you here? I thought you were busy! How'd you even get in?" She asks in rapid succession, the weight that brought her down this morning all but gone.

"One at a time, Jennie." She pulls away from the embrace, cupping Jennie's cheek and pinching it. "Your manager let me in. She told me we had the whole day to spend time together. As for how and why I'm here, well, let's just say that a little birdie told me you were missing home."

Jennie lifts an eyebrow. "Lisa?"

Her mother only winks.

They spend the day in the dorm. They move around the kitchen preparing meals as Jennie regales her about the countries she's visited in the last few weeks and the fans she's had the pleasure to meet. In turn, her mother tells her about the weird elderly couple from next door who kept giving her leftovers and the annoying ending of the drama she was watching. They told dozens of stories over lunch before moving to the living room to swap a dozen more.

Jennie doesn't think about how Lisa might be behind all of this until it was time for her mother to leave. Jisoo and Chaeyoung made it back home just in time to get an hour with the Kim matriarch, and Jennie lets herself build a home she can remember around the people she loves. As she stands with her mother by the front door and delaying the goodbye, Jennie looks down at her feet and bites her lip because she's too old to ask her mother to stay. Her mother tips her chin up in response, giving her a comforting smile.

"I'm glad you have a family here," she says as she pulls her into an embrace. "Don't get too stuck in your head. You have people here; let them take care of you."

"I will, mom. Don't worry so much."

"Oh, Jennie, I'm not worried. Just let yourself be open to love. Maybe you’ll even find yourself surprised. I know I was."

Jennie pulls away to give her mother a confused look. She smiles, secretive but soft.

"You're loved, Jennie. And I'm happy that you are. Let's leave it at that, yes?"

Before she could come up with a response, her mother kisses her cheek and leaves as fast as she came. Jennie is left to wonder what it is about her current situation that makes people give her riddles instead of answers. She shakes her head as she places herself on the couch, content to let Jisoo and Chaeyoung's chatter fill the space that her mother left behind.

She's alone by the time Lisa comes home. Jennie wasn't really planning to wait for her but since Jisoo and Chaeyoung denied that they had a hand in her mother's visit, she could only assume that it was Lisa's doing. She still doesn't know how Lisa found out that she was homesick, but just this once, she decided not to question it.

The other two retired to their respective bedrooms a couple of hours ago, and Jennie was already feeling sleepy herself when she heard keys jingling by the door. She smiles to herself as she gets up from her place on the couch, stretching as she did.

Lisa is sat on the landing by the front door, ungracefully dropping her bag next to her as she reaches down to her feet. Even from behind her, Jennie could tell that Lisa is exhausted. Her shoulders are drooping lower than normal, and she fumbles as she unties her shoelaces. Her hair was pulled up to a ponytail, the shorter hairs escaping the loose tie. Jennie pads quietly to her before dropping down to her knees, loosely wrapping her arms around Lisa's neck, and pressing herself against her back.

Predictably, Lisa startles, jumping slightly in her arms.

"Jen! You scared me!" Lisa exclaims, lifting a hand to touch her arm. Jennie laughs quietly in response. "Hello," Lisa adds.

"Hi," Jennie greets back as she rests her chin on Lisa's shoulder.

"Why are you still awake? It's late."

"Wanted to wait for you," she mumbles against Lisa's shirt.

"You didn't have to," Lisa says shyly.

"I _wanted_ to."

Lisa presses a kiss to her temple. She turns back to her shoes while Jennie watches as she fumbles a whole lot more before finally getting them off and tossing them to the side. After she's slipped on her slippers, Lisa leans back against her, letting out a sigh and tilting her head to rest it on Jennie's. Jennie moves forward and presses back, resituating her arms from around Lisa's neck to her waist and letting the moment hang in the air around them like it was suspended and waiting for either of them to pull away. And Jennie doesn't think there's anything in the world that could make her deny this moment right here, where she and Lisa are simply breathing in and out, content to just _be_.

She'd felt so homesick this morning, but right now, Jennie doesn't even remember what made her so sad and lonely in the first place because Lisa's in her arms. She thinks about Lisa's secrets, and Jennie relishes that she doesn't seem to be hiding right now as she feels her thumb trace circles on her skin. She grips her tighter, happy that she met Lisa in this life and that she's lucky enough for the girl to care for her.

"Thank you," Jennie whispers.

Lisa gives her an inquisitive hum. "For what?"

"For getting my mom to come here."

Lisa lifts her head, turning to look at her. "What do you mean?"

She's playing dumb, Jennie knows. She likes that Lisa is incapable of lying to her because she can hear the slight lilt in her voice that only comes when the blonde's trying her best to sound innocent. She smiles as she turns to catch her gaze, not minding the close proximity even as Lisa blushes a soft pink.

"You're a horrible liar, Lis."

"Oh?" Lisa teases. "Do tell."

"I don't know how you did it, but I'm glad you did. I thought I was going to spend today moping around, but I had fun."

Lisa softens, shifting in her arms until she has Jennie bracketed between her legs, one hand still on her arm and the other lifting up to poke her cheek. There's a smile on her face, and it's small but it speaks volumes to Jennie. It fills her with a kind of warmth that she's used to getting when she's with Lisa, when she's doing things like inviting her mom to come to their dorm because Jennie's forgotten what home feels like.

"I'm glad," Lisa says, relief coating her tone. "You looked so sad this morning." She shrugs when she hesitates. "I just wanted to help."

"I know you do. And you did. More than you realize," Jennie pauses, choosing her words carefully. "You know I'm always here for you, right? You could tell me you have a third eye on your back, and I'd still be here for you." _I could never leave you_ , is what she doesn't say, not wanting to trigger Lisa's defenses.

Lisa laughs, the sound filling up Jennie's heart the way music and warm food and hot chocolate do. "I don't think you have to worry about that, Nini."

And Jennie knows that it's going to take time to convince Lisa that she means it when she says _always_ , but for now, she leaves it at that, content to sit with her by their front door. She tells her about how her day with her mother went and the leftovers that were waiting for her in the kitchen. Lisa lets her pull her up from the landing, sitting down easily when she pushes her into the kitchen. In turn, Lisa tells her about how the choreography for her solo stage is making her realize just how many muscles the human body has.

The next time that Jennie forgets what home feels like, she lets herself seek out Lisa

\--------------------

It's in the little things that matter, Jennie realizes. Lisa doesn't announce it, doesn't even whisper it, but the moment Jennie realizes that it's in the little things, she also realizes that it's in everything that Lisa does. She doesn't have a word for it yet, but the little things pile up and they settle in her memories and it all leaves her feeling like she's reading something with dragons and star-crossed lovers.

Jennie finds it in the way there's always milk-flavored ice cream in the fridge, the way Lisa hands her a bottle of water with a worried frown on her face the moment she so much as gasps after rehearsals, the way her fingers curl around hers when Jennie's nothing short of terrified.

It's in the way Lisa comes knocking on her door and flopping on her bed before ranting about a random YouTube video seconds after the first hint of lightning streaked across the sky. It's in the way Lisa called her dad to ask how to make good chicken soup when Jennie got sick and bedridden for a day. It's in the way she says _you're beautiful_ like she means it with every fiber of her being when Jennie feels ugly and bloated because the world is sometimes filled with so much hate that it makes it hard for her to breathe.

It's in the way Lisa whispers _sweet dreams_ and _see you later_ and _hello_ like she's saying something else, something warmer, something that matters. It's in the way the blonde is always waiting for her to come home when she knows that Jennie's had a particularly hard day. It's in the way Lisa hugs her like she doesn't want to let go.

And Jennie still doesn't know if she's ready to put a word on it, but now that she's noticed, she simply can't unsee it. The little things and small moments leave her both scared and breathless for reasons she doesn't quite understand. They leave her feeling like she should know what it is by now because it's strange and fragile but also familiar and resilient.

\--------------------

She puts the pieces of the puzzle together in the middle of an airport, of all places.

They were on their way to Japan for their _A-Nation_ event. Jennie knows that they've gotten more popular since the beginning of the year courtesy of the tours they've been holding. She just didn't expect the crowd to get overzealous.

She couldn't breathe.

Everything is too loud and too close, and she wants to be anywhere but here. She's taken to hiding her face with her hair, letting it fall like a curtain around her, hoping that it'll protect her from the world. She's embarrassed that she can't seem to get a hold of herself. Having a crowd meet them in the airport is nothing new, but she was always safe in the circle of bodyguards that she didn't realize how much she valued the few feet of space between her and the crowd until today. It was too much.

Jennie tucks herself into Lisa's side, leaning on her frame and trusting her to hold her up. Lisa doesn't disappoint. She wraps an arm around her shoulders, thumb rubbing her upper arm in comfort. She knew that Lisa couldn't do much else with all the cameras that were pointed at them, but she wishes they were elsewhere so she could burrow deeper into Lisa's warmth. At some point, Chaeyoung stepped beside her to ask if she was okay, but she could only manage to nod, not wanting to draw more attention to herself.

But then, they stopped moving, and Jennie feels like she's suffocating.

She doesn't know how she ended up pressing her forehead against the space between Lisa's shoulder blades but when she tunes back into the world, she can feel the blonde's hands rubbing up and down her forearms. It wasn't enough but the combined comfort of Lisa's protective stance and the warmth she's trying to rub into her arms makes Jennie want to try and take each breath slowly and carefully. She hears her say something to their manager but the words are drowned out by everything else.

She doesn't know how they got past the crowd and the security. She didn't even notice that she was on autopilot until Lisa's voice filters into her ears and the rest of the world fades away the closer they get to the waiting area.

"Manager-unnie," she hears Lisa whisper in a tone that books no room for arguments. "We'll just go to the restroom. Give us a few minutes? You can come with us if you like, but I think we need a few minutes. Please?"

Jennie doesn't really understand what's happening because she's still trying to get air into her lungs. All she knows is that Lisa's gripping onto her wrist like it’s a lifeline and then she's putting a hand on her lower back and leading her through rows and rows of seats. She's vaguely aware of their manager checking the stalls to make sure they're empty before telling them that she'll be outside and leaving them alone.

In the silence of the restroom, Jennie hears herself gasp as she rakes a hand through her hair.

"Jennie," Lisa calls as she comes to a stop in front of her. She lifts her eyes to meet hers. "Do you want space?"

She shakes her head vehemently, unable to form words even though every part of her rebelled violently against the idea of Lisa leaving her alone.

"Okay," Lisa soothes immediately as she takes her hands and places them on her shoulders. "Okay, it's okay. Come here. I'll lift you up, hold on."

Jennie follows her instructions, and Lisa bends slightly to grip the back of her thighs before lifting her up onto the counter. She pulls away slightly, which makes Jennie panic, automatically slipping her arms around her neck and wrapping her legs around Lisa's waist.

"Ni, it's okay, I'm not going anywhere," Lisa whispers as she rubs her hands on her back. "Come on, breathe. Breathe with me."

Jennie nearly sobs. "C-Can't."

Lisa exaggerates her breathing, letting her feel it as her chest expands against hers with every inhale. "You can. Focus on me. Follow my breathing. One, two, inhale." Jennie sucks in a ragged breath and holds it. "One, two, exhale." Her breath scrapes out of her throat.

"Good, that's good, Ni. One more time."

Again, Jennie tries her best to listen. It takes a few minutes for her to feel like she's not suffocating. All the while, Lisa keeps herself close, counting inhales and exhales with her.

"Do you want to try some grounding?"

She doesn't know what that means but she trusts Lisa so she nods.

"Okay, can you recite the lyrics of _Stay_ for me? You don't have to sing it. Just say the words. I'll help you along, don't worry."

So, she does. Every other word gets stuck in her throat and just when she feels like she's going to drown again, Lisa nudges her along, saying the words for her. She stutters through the beginning of the song, and she only loosens her grip when she recites the lines she usually raps. She feels suddenly exhausted, the lyrics steadily but sluggishly making their way past her lips.

Lisa continues for her when she stops just to breathe and relish the feeling of not-drowning. "I know you gotta be tired. When the night gets dark, let me be your fire. In a world full of lies, my only truth is you. Here's a letter from me to you."

Jennie pulls away after Lisa falls silent but keeps her legs where they were, still unable to bear the thought of being alone and vulnerable. Lisa lets her, and she wipes Jennie's tears even as she cries softly with her.

"Are you alright?" Lisa asks, voice rough.

She nods as she rests her forehead on the blonde's, her hair falling around them. "I think so."

Lisa sniffs. "Good."

They stay where they are for a few seconds, both aware that the rest of the world was waiting for them outside. Jennie still feels exhausted, but for the first time since they stepped inside the airport, she feels like she can make it to the plane without having another breakdown. She keeps her gaze on Lisa's watery brown eyes as she leans back, letting her legs drop from Lisa's waist and finding comfort and warmth from the way she looks at her. Slowly, she lifts a hand to poke Lisa's cheek before wiping a stray tear.

"Why are you crying?" She asks around a weak smile that Lisa mirrors.

"Jennie," she says fondly, "you should know by now that when you cry, I cry."

All at once, everything falls into place for Jennie.

She realizes it as she sits on a counter with Lisa in between her legs, eyes looking deep into hers.

She realizes what Lisa's been hiding because the way she's looking at her right now feels like she's the only person the blonde can see. She realizes what it was that always left her feeling warm and content when Lisa does all the little things because it's also in the way that her voice wrapped around her name like she's been saying it in her dreams. She realizes what was so big that made her want to pay attention in the first place because it's in the way Lisa holds her, the way her hands tremble like she's trying not to pull her closer, the way she's trying to push it out of her fingertips as she runs her hands up and down her back.

Lisa's in love with her. She has been for years.

"Are you okay?" Lisa asks, abruptly bringing her out of her thoughts.

Her heart beats faster in her chest, and she knows it isn't panic because she doesn't feel like she's suffocating even though she feels just as breathless as she did moments ago. She's kind of grateful that their manager chooses this time to knock on the door to let them know that they have to go.

"I'm okay," she forces herself to answer because Lisa's worried again and Jennie can't take the thought of leaving her in her misery even now that she knows. "Let's go?"

Lisa nods reluctantly, moving back to give her space to jump down from the counter. She doesn't know how she feels about her sudden realization, but she knows that she'll have time to dissect it all on the plane. For now, she looks up at the girl who's been telling her she loves her for years ( _years_ ) and sees the way she worries, cares, loves. It's overwhelming, but Jennie can be strong when she needs to be. So, she takes Lisa's hand, tugs her closer to whisper a _thank you_ against her ear, and leads the blushing girl out into the world.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennie gives Jisoo a heart attack, asks Chaeyoung for help, and learns a thing or two about Lisa.

A plane ride wasn't nearly enough time to process everything, but it did provide the privacy she needed to confront Jisoo because she's the reason why she ended up in this position in the first place. As soon as they find their seats, with her and Jisoo on one side of the aisle while Chaeyoung and Lisa occupied the secluded area in the back, Jennie doesn't waste time contemplating whether or not she should bring it up.

She slaps Jisoo.

"Jennie, what!" The startled girl says as she rubs her suddenly sore arm. "We're going to be wearing god knows what and your handprint is gonna be on my arm for all the world to see!"

Jennie rolls her eyes, relishing the petty revenge she was able to exact.

"How long have you known?"

"What are you talking about? Have you… Are you okay?" Jisoo asks, still a little miffed that she was slapped. "I mean, I know that the airport was hard for you, but I thought Lisa—"

She cuts her off. "How long have you known that Lisa's in love with me?"

Jisoo gapes at her, mouth falling open in shock. Then, she turns around, swiveling her head from side to side, trying to figure out if anyone was listening in on the conversation. But Jennie has already checked and she knows that the people who were most likely to hear were the elderly couple behind them and the Spanish businessman in front of them. Neither of them cared that they were Blackpink, and Jennie doubted that they even knew who they were.

"Now?!" Jisoo hisses at her frantically. "You want to bring this up _now_?"

"Relax, no one's going to overhear."

"We're on a _plane_! You couldn't wait until we landed or something? I swear to God, you girls will be the death of me."

Again, Jennie rolls her eyes, exasperated with Jisoo's dramatics.

"Stop avoiding the question."

Jisoo stares at her, trying to gauge if she was being serious. And then, she sighs, closes her eyes, pinches the bridge of her nose before meeting her gaze once again. Jennie feels the shift in the atmosphere around them as Jisoo sobers, looking like she's choosing her words carefully. She sees the hesitation in the way she bites her bottom lip, and Jennie feels like she should be worried about her answer. But at this point, she's been cornered by a crowd, had a breakdown in a restroom, and realized that Lisa's in love with her. She could honestly say that whatever Jisoo had to tell her is probably going to be easier to handle than the other three.

"I've known since the beginning of this year."

"January?"

"Yeah, when you and… I found out for sure a few days after the Dispatch thing, when Lisa was receiving all that hate."

Jennie takes a moment to process that because January was difficult for her but now that she thinks about it, it must have been just as difficult, if not more, for Lisa. She realizes that she must have broken her heart, and the thought sickens her because she's seen Lisa hurt but she never realized that it might be because of her. Jisoo sees the self-blame the moment it sets in.

"Stop, don't do that," Jisoo implores as she grabs her hand. "You didn't know, and she was strong enough to turn the mess into an opportunity to grow."

"But I—"

This time, Jisoo cuts her off. "—I knew something was wrong for weeks before Dispatch leaked your relationship. She was always sad and lost, and at first, I didn't know why. I didn't connect the dots until she was trying to comfort you."

Jennie remembers that day. She knew that Lisa was sad, and at that time, she thought it was because she was disappointed in her, and because she was hurt that she didn't trust them enough to tell them. It had been one of the reasons why she broke up with Kai a few weeks later.

"And the things she said," Jisoo continues, "it suddenly made sense to me. She was being honest, but if I wasn't already paying attention, I wouldn't have noticed that she was speaking from experience. It took a while for it to sink in, but when it did, she was already receiving hate. I found her on the rooftop a few days after the news about you."

 _Rooftops make me feel like I could fly. So, when I get overwhelmed or if I'm feeling more than I can handle, I go to a rooftop and I stand there for hours, wishing I could fly. It feels freeing to be on top of everything, to be far enough that no one and nothing can hurt me._ That's what Lisa had told her all those years ago, and Jennie's stomach clenches at the thought that humans weren't given wings and that Lisa's simply forced to keep her feet on the ground no matter high up she was. She couldn't fly, she couldn't run, and that must have been overwhelming and heartbreaking.

"I was worried because I know what hate does to people. I was even more worried when I realized that she was also heartbroken. She wasn't surprised when I asked her how long she's been in love with you. And she was just…" Jisoo struggles to find the right words. "When she realized that I knew, it's like… I don't know, it was like seeing her for the first time. It was terrifying for me because I realized that she was constantly hiding so much, and I worried that it would break her. So, I challenged her to a snowball fight."

" _That's_ why both of you were drenched when you came back," Jennie remarks, remembering the blonde's shivering body and chattering teeth. "She could have gotten sick, Unnie."

"Thanks, I could have gotten sick too, you know," Jennie slaps her arm again, lightly this time. "Stop that!"

Jennie chuckles.

" _Anyway_ , I told her to get all the negative feelings out. That girl throws a mean snowball, I tell you," Jisoo reminisces, patting her chest. "I thought she was going to mope around for a while, and it would have been understandable. But Lisa's always been good at defying expectations. So, imagine my surprise when she rallied from everything that January rained on her and came back stronger."

Jisoo squeezes her hand before continuing. "I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad or guilty. Lisa wouldn't want that, and I don't either. I'm telling you this because I want you to realize that Lisa is stronger than we give her credit for. So, if you think that there's something that you should be held accountable for, scratch that thought."

"I know that," Jennie says a little half-heartedly.

"Do you, really?" Jisoo asks, giving her a kind smile. "Loving you," she chuckles as Jennie blushes, "isn't something she regrets, Jendeukie. And I do believe that it's never going to be something she regrets no matter how you end up feeling about it, regardless of whether or not you return her feelings."

Jennie falls silent after that.

\--------------------

She tries her best to act the way she did before she had to adjust to a reality where Lisa's in love with her. Days after realizing something this profound, Jennie's still overwhelmed at the thought. She struggles to process it all, not wanting to let it impact what she has with Lisa. She doesn't even know if it's too late to worry about that because she couldn't help shying away from the blonde's gaze. She doesn't avoid her – that's the last thing Jennie would want to do no matter how overwhelmed she is. She knows what it would do to Lisa, how it would devastate her.

Instead, Jennie focuses on trying to understand the depth of what Lisa feels for her. At this point, she feels like the task is as daunting as counting stars, but she wants to know why – of all people, _why her_? Lisa doesn't make it easy for her because she's gotten so good at hiding that sometimes, Jennie feels like she's just making it all up. But then, Lisa looks at her and Jennie suddenly understands what people mean when they say that the eyes are the windows of the soul.

She feels seen. It's a weird feeling because they live under the spotlight, but it's different when Lisa looks at her. It feels almost invasive, but mostly, Jennie just feels… _loved_.

"Jennie-unnie?" Chaeyoung snaps her out of her thoughts as she presses the button for their floor.

An hour ago, they were in a restaurant that Chaeyoung discovered the first time she explored Seoul. Chaeyoung had gotten hungry right after their activities for the day, and Jennie had agreed to accompany her. Lisa and Jisoo already went ahead, considering they were both too tired to even think about anything other than sleeping. She wonders if it's a coincidence that she's alone with Chaeyoung at the same time that she feels like she needs to talk to her.

"Are you tired, Chaeyoung-ah?" She asks out of the blue, confusing her.

"I don't think so?"

"Do you want to come with me to the rooftop? I feel like we need to talk about something."

Chaeyoung shoots her a questioning look. Jennie smiles something that feels a little bit fragile.

"Lisa."

It takes her a few seconds to understand what she means but when it sinks in, Chaeyoung's eyes go wide in shock and recognition before attempting to stutter out a denial. Jennie shakes her head, refusing to accept it.

"It’s okay, Rosie," she says. "I know. I know how she feels about me. I just… I just need help processing this."

Chaeyoung chokes at her casual mention of something they were trying to keep hidden. A flash of guilt crosses her face but it's gone before Jennie could mention it. As the elevator comes to a stop on their floor, Chaeyoung stares at her. And then, she comes to a decision. Wordlessly, she turns back to the elevator buttons and presses the one for the topmost floor.

Jennie has never actually been to the rooftop of their dorm. She isn't surprised to find that there really isn't anything interesting. But the moment she looks up, she kind of understands what Lisa probably feels when she's up here. The sky bleeds the colors of the sunset, the oranges and blues and pinks overlapping to create a canvas so unique that Jennie itches to take a photo. Chaeyoung's eyes are fixed on the horizon as she stands beside her, and she remembers that she loves this time of the day. Jennie hopes it's enough to put her at ease because she feels all sorts of scared and nervous.

"I…" Jennie begins then falters. "I don't really know how to talk about this."

Her admission brings Chaeyoung's attention to her, and she's surprised to find no traces of pity in the way she looks at her. There's only understanding, and Jennie wonders if, once upon a time, Chaeyoung was also terrified to talk about her truth. She slips an arm around her elbow, huddling closer despite the humidity of August.

Jennie decides to toss all caution out the window. "Why me?"

"I asked her the same thing," Chaeyoung answers, a small smile tugging up the corner of her lips.

"I'm not going to ask what you guys talked about because that's between you and her. This is all just… It's so confusing. I don't know how to feel about it all."

"Do you feel like it's something you could leave her for?"

This time, Jennie doesn't hesitate. "No, never."

Her answer seems to relax and please Chaeyoung because she tugs her arm away and wraps it around her shoulders instead.

"Are you confused because Lisa's a woman?"

Jennie pauses, considering the question. "I guess? I don't know. I mean, where I come from, it's not a crime in the way it kind of is here. I haven't had the time to think about my sexuality because Lisa's," she gestures with her hands helplessly, "she's _Lisa_. I guess I've never really thought about her in _that_ way, and I don't know what it means because now that I think about it, it doesn't bother me that she's a woman. To be honest, it bothers me more that she's so convinced I'd leave her for something she can't control."

Chaeyoung nods as she shifts from side to side, unable to keep still. "I think you have time to figure it out."

"I want to know why me. Is she in love with _me_ or is she in love with an idea she has of me?"

The blonde laughs. "I can at least answer that. Jen, she's in love with _you_ and everything that you are. She doesn't think you're perfect, and I know this because she told me herself. When I asked her what she loves about you, she told me we don't have enough time to talk about it all. And I think what she meant is that she's not keeping a checklist she can compare you to. She doesn't have a list of requirements. There's you, and there's her and she feels for you the way she does because that's just how it is for her. I've known since the beginning, and I still find it adorable the way you make her fumble because she can't help falling a little deeper every single time she realizes that you're not the same person you were the first time she fell for you."

Jennie takes a moment to process all of that as Chaeyoung continues.

"You have time to figure it out," she repeats gently. "This isn't something you can rush, and I'd really rather you didn't because I don't want you to break both of your hearts in the process. What you have with her is special, and it doesn't matter if you feel for her the way she does about you. I don't want to see it crash and burn because you think there's a deadline to figuring out how you feel."

Jennie sighs. "What if I realize that I _do_ return her feelings but it's too late and she's moved on?"

Chaeyoung turns her head to look at her like what Jennie just said is the craziest thing she's ever heard. "I really don't think you have to worry about that."

And that's true, Jennie thinks, because Lisa's been telling her for _years_.

"For what it's worth though," Chaeyoung adds. "I think you should talk to her about it."

"How do I even bring it up without scaring her to death, Chaeyoung-ah?"

She shrugs. "Maybe barge into her room, sit on her so she doesn't run away, and tell her everything?"

Jennie squints at her. "Is that what you did with Chu?"

Chaeyoung blushes.

\--------------------

Lisa was laying down on the floor of the dance studio she books for herself at least once every week when her world shifts on its axis. She supposes that nothing could have prepared her for this because it's obvious in how she grips her tank top that she wishes it was made of chainmail to protect her from everything that could hurt her in this moment.

She had been dancing mindlessly to the music, letting herself feel and exist and breathe as she pops her limbs to the beat and allows her torso to bend and arch again and again. Dancing is cathartic to her because there's nothing else that matters beyond the music that fills the spaces in and out of her body. She had dropped down to the ground, out of breath and heart pounding in her chest, as she let the last song on the playlist fade to silence. She had been content to lay on the wooden floor as she felt her blood go from boiling to simmering before finally just flowing.

Movement from the corner of her eye catches her attention as she lays spreadeagled on the floor. Almost lazily, she turns her head to see Jennie leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed, looking almost ethereal with her hair framing her face, a small smile on her face, and wearing nothing but a black tee and jeans. Lisa has to remind herself to breathe as steadily as she can manage because watching Jennine walk towards her is just one of the many things that she adores.

Jennie sits cross-legged beside her, body turned towards her direction.

"How long were you standing there, creep?" Lisa asks, tone light and teasing.

"Long enough to see you flail," Jennie answers in the same tone.

She gasps in mock offense. "Excuse you, I do _not_ flail."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, Lis."

"I don't!"

Jennie hums noncommittally as she bites back a smile. Lisa lets her win this one and doesn't say anything else for a while because she loves moments like this, moments when Jennie's eyes shine with mischief instead of panic, moments when she's relaxed instead of tense with the pressure of having to maintain an image.

"How'd you know I was here?"

"I asked manager-oppa. He's waiting for us in the car but he did say we could take our time."

Lisa nods. "He's been tired lately. Do you mind if we stay here for a few minutes more? I'm sure he could use a break."

Jennie agrees easily even as she fixes her with a look that Lisa's never seen before. It makes her all kinds of nervous.

"What?" She asks shyly, fighting the urge to look away.

"Nothing," Jennie says too quickly.

The blonde raises an eyebrow at the blatant lie. Jennie looks away, a blush creeping prettily up her cheeks. She watches, mesmerized, because it's rare for her to see the girl blush. Jennie shifts under the attention and rolls her eyes at her own embarrassment. Lisa pokes her knee.

"Ni, what's happening?" And that's kind of a weird question to ask, Lisa realizes, but she feels something strange and unfamiliar in the way Jennie moves. She spies her trembling hands, and Lisa resists the urge to take them in hers even as her brow furrows in confusion and worry. "Are you alright?"

Jennie looks at her then, a tremulous smile on her face. She gives a sort of embarrassed, resigned, fond giggle that Lisa's never heard before but immediately stores in her memory. "Just… come here," she says as she stretches her legs and nudges her side until Lisa moves.

And, well, Lisa couldn't deny a request like that. So, she rolls and pushes herself to her knees before crawling toward Jennie and laying her head carefully on a jean-clad lap. She barely manages to stop the content sigh that threatens to escape her lips. In response, Jennie leans back on one hand and lays the other on her chest. Lisa can't help the way her heart jumps. She thinks Jennie feels it because her eyes soften into something too knowing. The sight makes Lisa feel like she's standing on the precipice of a new reality she's not sure she's ready for, and she lays a hand on her stomach, fingers curling slightly inward and clutching gently on the material of her tank top.

" _Jennie_ ," she says in a voice barely above a whisper, imploring her to understand that she wants to know what's happening at the same time that she _really_ doesn't.

Jennie presses a hand down on her chest, applying a little bit of pressure as if trying to calm Lisa's suddenly racing heart. There's no hiding that, and the blonde kind of wants to run, and _holy shit_ , when did things get so intense?

" _Lisa_ ," she says in the same tone, her expression soft but serious. "Don't be afraid."

And Lisa doesn't know what she has to be afraid of, not when Jennie's not really telling her anything. She wonders what in the world is happening, why Jennie's looking at her like she knows something she shouldn't, why some part of her already knows the answer to all her questions. She stares at Jennie, trying to ask all her questions without actually saying anything.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to leave you," Jennie adds, a promise hidden behind her words.

The realization comes slowly for Lisa.

It creeps first into her stomach, and her insides clench almost painfully. It climbs its way up to her lungs, and Lisa stops breathing altogether. It invades her heart, and it beats an uneven rhythm. It takes up residence in her mind, and she can't think. Her lips part both in shock and in a useless attempt to drag in air. And then, all at once, everything stops for Lisa, leaving her alone and so, _so_ terrified. Defeat spreads like wildfire in her veins, and she closes her eyes the moment they burn, turning her head away from Jennie's gaze, unwilling to let her see the part of her she's been hiding for so long even though she knows that the mirror in front of them probably gives everything away anyway.

" _Lisa_ ," Jennie calls, and this time, the blonde is resolute in her refusal to answer, trying to delay the inevitable.

She grips the material of her tank top tighter, hoping it's enough to stop herself from unraveling around the edges even as she feels tears leak from behind her eyelids.

"Hey," Jennie whispers comfortingly. Lisa couldn't have stopped the quiet sob that clawed its way out of her throat even if she tried. "Hey, _hey_ , don't cry, please."

The hand on her chest travels to her neck then to the cheek she has pressed against Jennie's jeans. Lisa lets Jennie turn her head back to her direction but refuses to open her eyes. She has been afraid of this moment for so long that she can't convince herself to be brave enough to look at Jennie and see her walk away despite her promises. Some part of her knew that it was only a matter of time before Jennie finds out that she's in love with her. Her mother noticed, and so did Jisoo and Chaeyoung. It seemed that no matter how good she got at hiding, secrets will always have a way of revealing themselves. Lisa had hoped that this is the one secret she can bring to her grave, pointlessly trying to defy the way human beings work.

"Look at me, Lis," Jennie pleads as she swipes a thumb across her cheekbone. But the blonde can hear the sadness in her tone, can feel the way Jennie's hand trembles.

Lisa hates that her love can cause this kind of devastation on the one person she never wanted to hurt.

It angers her that she couldn't stop herself from falling. And it is this feeling, the anger that burns her inside and out, that forces her eyes to snap open. She finds Jennie's red-rimmed eyes easily, and she takes a deep breath, exhaling in a rush of words she didn't think she'd ever have the courage to form.

"I'm in love with you," Lisa manages to gasp in between hitching breaths and quiet sobs. "I'm in love with you, and I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."

\--------------------

Jennie kind of forgets how to breathe because it's one thing to realize it, another thing to hear other people say it, and still a completely other thing to hear Lisa tell her in her own words. She doesn’t think this is a moment she could ever forget. In fact, she knows that she'll probably dream of the way Lisa rips herself wide open like she's giving up, the way she cries like nothing Jennie has ever seen before, the way she told her she's in love with her like it's the only truth that matters now when she has nothing left to hide.

"I'm so sorry, Jennie," Lisa murmurs like a mantra. "I'm so sorry."

And Jennie feels nothing but pain and affection for the girl as she curls in on herself, long legs tucking themselves to her chest. It isn't until now that Jennie realizes just how much Lisa has been hiding, how much she's been trying not to say. She hates that _sorry_ is one of them.

So, she gathers Lisa up in her arms, urging her to lift herself up before dragging her to her chest and wrapping her arms around the girl. Her heart breaks at the way Lisa's head falls against her neck like she doesn't have any strength left, the way her legs sprawl over Jennie's left thigh like she believes she doesn't deserve to take up space, the way she’s clutching her own clothes like it’s the only thing keeping her together even as she breaks.

Jennie rocks them back and forth, hating the way her body isn't big enough to curl around Lisa, to protect her from everything that hurts, to let her know that she's not going anywhere. She barely stops herself from crying because this moment is Lisa's to take. Instead, she holds them together as best as she can, trying to bypass skin and bones with her fingertips, trying to touch Lisa's heart and soothe it. She presses a kiss on Lisa's heaving shoulder, silently letting her know that she's still here. Lisa only cries harder, her tears creating a path down Jennie's neck.

"I'm sorry," Lisa continues to whisper, her sobbing breaths passing over Jennie's collarbones. "I'm sorry."

And Jennie can't bear it so she cuts off another round of apologies. "Lisa, _no._ Don't apologize."

But Lisa doesn't hear her, too lost and afraid and devastated to notice anything other than her exhausted heart. Jennie keeps trying anyway, pulling her closer when she feels Lisa shake her head because she doesn't believe her.

"Hush, Li. It's okay," she whispers into her hair. "You have nothing to be sorry for. Don't apologize for falling in love – never apologize for loving me. It's okay, _it's okay._ "

She feels Lisa's hands grip her shirt, fingers clutching at the fabric and knuckles digging into her stomach. She hears the unspoken plea, and in response, she presses another kiss, this time at the juncture where her neck meets her shoulder. Lisa shudders, wears her heart on her sleeve, and stops hiding.

"I couldn't help it," Lisa whimpers, sounding small and defeated and everything Jennie doesn't think she should ever have to be.

"I know," Jennie says softly.

"I tried not to."

"I know," she presses her nose against Lisa's shoulder.

"I'm in love with you," Lisa confesses again, words softer and fonder and sadder in between sniffles. "I love you," she repeats because she doesn't have to hide it now.

Jennie's heart skips a beat. "I know."

Her confirmation both breaks and builds Lisa. Jennie can almost feel how she abandons everything that she's ever known as she strips pieces of her armor right here, in her arms. Lisa breathes deeper, her heart echoing its confessions against Jennie's chest. For once, the blonde doesn't attempt to dress up her heartbeat in a flimsy lie, doesn't cover it up with a story, doesn't pull it back to keep it silent. Jennie feels invincible.

She feels Lisa's hand travel from her stomach to her spine to her hip, palm warm against her layers, fingers pressing against skin and bones, hand and arm and body trembling like she's ready to let go if Jennie asked her to.

"Do you need to leave?" Lisa asks, the question quiet and afraid but also loving and understanding.

And _God_ , Jennie doesn't think she will ever understand where Lisa's strength comes from because she can hear the way Lisa says _it's okay if you do_ and _I'll understand if this is too much for you_ and _I won't survive it but I'll try for you_. Jennie hears _stay_ and _don't go_ and _let me love you_ underneath it all, knows that Lisa doesn't say any of it because she wants her to decide for herself no matter how much her leaving could hurt her.

"How could I leave," Jennie decides to be truthful enough for the both of them, "when this is where I'm happiest?"

Lisa chokes down another sob. "You don't have to say that."

She hates that Lisa has had years to convince herself that she's not allowed to take the hope that Jennie's trying to give to her. She hates that Lisa has been hopeless for too long. She hates that she didn't notice sooner.

"I mean it, Lisa," Jennie says, trying to pour everything that she is into her words. "Why won't you believe me?"

Lisa doesn't answer, but she hears her take a deep breath like she's trying to be braver than she's already being before the hand on her hip falls away. Jennie aches as the blonde moves sluggishly, moving back and crossing her legs and bending her back to rest her elbows on her knees like she's trying to be as small as possible. Brown eyes remain hidden behind eyelids and tears, and Jennie immediately misses her weight on her limbs, on her chest, on her neck. So, she scoots forward, unable to take the space because it feels like Lisa's trying to place an entire universe in between them. She brackets Lisa with her legs, tucking her feet under Lisa's thighs before taking her hands in hers and tangling their fingers together.

She watches as the blonde's bottom lip quivers but doesn't pull away. She counts this as a win and closes her own eyes.

"I won't lie to you," Jennie starts lowly. "I've known for a little over a month now. I've talked to the girls, and they told me that you've felt this way for years."

She takes a moment to breathe, letting the weight of time and of Lisa's love settle in her bones.

"I'm sorry," she continues, unable to stop her voice from shaking. "I'm sorry I didn't notice sooner. I'm sorry you thought you needed to hide it from me. I'm sorry I haven't done a good job convincing you that I wouldn't leave even now that I know. I'm sorry for January."

She feels Lisa's trembling thumb press on her palm, tracing light circles, and she marvels at the fact that the moment she feels weak, Lisa is always there to soothe her frazzled nerves no matter how she must be feeling. Not for the first time, she wonders how she didn't see it sooner.

"I won't lie to you, Lisa," she repeats and hopes that it reaches her this time. "I don't really know how I feel about all of this, and I think I need time to figure it out. But if you think that means I have to leave you or you have to avoid me, then think again. You're my…" Jennie struggles because _friend_ doesn't seem right and _best friend_ somehow sounds worse and _sister_ is simply the worst. "You're _something_ to me. It frustrates me that I can't figure it out, but this is the best I can give right now."

She feels Lisa pull one hand away to tip her chin up, silently urging her to open her eyes. Jennie listens and promptly stops breathing.

Lisa's hair is messy from having the rug pulled under her, bangs falling on her forehead in a weird, sort of effortless grace. She hasn't bothered to wipe the tear tracks on her cheeks, and the skin beneath her eyes are red and puffy from when she sobbed her heart out. Her lips are swollen from being bitten in anxiety, and her brown eyes shine with something fragile, something that looks a lot like hope. She looks so in love and so strong despite the fear that continues to make her hands tremble.

She looks beautiful like this, Jennie thinks. She releases the breath she's been holding, the sound shaky and overwhelmed. Distantly, she remembers what Jisoo said about seeing Lisa for the first time and thinks that _this_ is what she meant.

"Jennie," Lisa says in a voice barely above a whisper, tone rough and low from crying. Jennie kind of wants to hate the blush that crawls up her cheeks. "Am I… Am I allowed to hope?"

She smiles and says, "I could disappoint you."

Lisa shakes her head without hesitation. "You could never."

And she hears the barely concealed wonder in her tone and knows that it's there because Lisa would never ask for the chance that Jennie's giving her anyway and that she probably never even dared to dream of it. Jennie feels powerful in her ability to give Lisa the impossible and vows to remember this feeling when she's weak and lost and afraid, swears to remember that she knows what it means to make dreams come true because of Lisa, promises that this is a feeling that she will never use it to hurt the woman who loves her.

"Can I stop hiding?" Lisa asks, _can I love you still_ never making its way past her throat.

Jennie hears it anyway and she moves forward, propelled by the thing that's stirring in her chest and stomach, until Lisa's legs part to make space for her, her own legs resting on Lisa's thighs. She trails her hands from Lisa's arms up to her neck before stopping on tear-stained cheeks, fingers splayed on her cheekbones, pinkies pressed gently against her pulse. This close, she can hear the way Lisa's breath hitches, feel the way her pulse thrums an abnormal rhythm under her fingertips, see the way Lisa's eyes never stray from hers. Jennie hopes that Lisa can tell that she's just as breathless as she is.

"Yes, please," she murmurs, unwilling to break the moment. She leans forward to press a lingering kiss on the corner of Lisa's mouth, trying to tell her that she feels something for her without actually saying anything because false hope is the last thing she wants to give to her and because Jennie wants to be sure. Lisa deserves certainty.

Jennie leans toward her until she can wrap her arms around Lisa's neck, chin finding its place on her shoulder. For a moment, Lisa doesn't move. And then, the permission sinks in, and Jennie _feels_ Lisa strip the rest of her armor off. She melts into the embrace, hands then arms wrapping around Jennie's waist. Lisa pulls and she goes willingly, unable to think of any other place where she feels as safe and loved as she does in Lisa's arms. She wonders what she did in her past life to deserve this, how she got lucky enough for someone like Lisa to love someone like her.

She wonders if what she's feeling right now will grow into something that can make up for the years Lisa spent hiding, hurting, loving.

As they hold each other for just a few more minutes, Jennie thinks it just might.

(Their manager offers a grateful smile to two blushing women because he managed to take a nap _and_ enjoy his dinner. He hides a more secretive smile when his two passengers sit in the very back of the car, twin smiles on their faces, hands clasped tight. As they drive back to the dorm, he plans how he's going to get the other managers in a meeting because it's finally time to discuss how they're going to protect a love like Jennie and Lisa's. He's being presumptuous judging by the way Jennie seems shy while Lisa's just plain enamored, but whatever. After all, he's always been a shipper.)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff. That's it. That's the summary.

Lisa doesn't really know how she's still standing.

After they managed to pull away from each other in the dance studio, Jennie unwillingly reminded her that their manager was waiting for them. She was almost tempted to tell her that their manager can probably use an extra hour of sleep, but she knew they couldn't stay in the dance studio forever. She can already hear the scuffing of shoes outside the door so she nodded at Jennie before tugging her up with her.

Jennie was quiet as she waited for her to slip her jacket on and pick up her gym bag from the floor. Lisa can almost hear her thinking but she kept silent, knowing that Jennie needed to process what transpired. She deliberately moved sluggishly, trying to give Jennie as much time as possible before they had to surrender the room to the next booking. When she was left with nothing else to do, she approached her slowly, taking her hand and holding it loosely, letting Jennie decide if she wanted to pull away. She needn't have worried though because the moment her fingers settled against her palm, Jennie weaved their fingers together.

She really couldn't be blamed for the beaming smile she knows is stretched across her face. Jennie blushes even as she answers her elation with a shy smile of her own.

"Oh my God," Lisa breathes. "This is bad for my heart. I'm going to die from a heart attack."

Jennie laughs, loud and full, and it fills Lisa's entire being with warmth. Jennie lifts her unoccupied hand and rests it on her chest, eyes shining with something like wonder as she feels the hard and fast rhythm that's setting Lisa's body on fire.

"Jen, you're not helping," Lisa jokes, relieved that Jennie now knows what she does to her. "You're literally going to kill me."

"Calm down, Li," Jennie answers, hand still on her chest, a teasing smile painted on her face.

"Kind of impossible, _Ni_."

"Want me to pull away?"

The fingers curled around hers loosen slightly, and Lisa _grasps_ , unwilling to let her go just yet, her other hand coming up to press Jennie's harder against her chest as if offering her heart. _Take it_ , she stomps the words down her throat because old habits die hard, _it's yours anyway_. Instead, she steps forward, prompting Jennie to look up, before dropping a light kiss on her forehead. She moves back just as quickly, swallows at the sight of Jennie's closed eyes, and lets the hand on her chest go. It stays where it is, and for the first time, Lisa hopes Jennie understands what her heart is trying to say in uneven beats and those it skips altogether.

"Let's go?" Lisa says, emotion clogging up her throat, suddenly shy and looking away just as Jennie opens her eyes.

"Let’s."

The car ride home is quiet, but Jennie keeps her hand in hers like she knows Lisa needs the contact just to convince herself that she didn't dream the last couple of hours. Every once in a while, Jennie would rub her thumb against her index finger, making her lose her train of thought. By the third time it happens, Lisa decides she needs to process what happened. Otherwise, she might just lose her mind.

"I need to go to the rooftop," Lisa tells her as soon as they step into the elevator of their dorm, pressing the button for the topmost floor and the one for their floor.

Jennie peers at her. "Everything alright?"

She hums an affirmative. "Just need to process."

Jennie doesn't question it, fully aware of what rooftops mean to her and perhaps needing more time to process too. Lisa is glad she understands but hates the fact that she's going to have to let her go. She pouts when the elevator stops at their floor.

"Lisa-yah, you're going to have to let go," Jennie says in between chuckles. She pouts even more because she's got nothing left to hide. "I'll see you when you come back. I'll wait, I promise."

She sighs dramatically if only to make Jennie laugh. "Why don't we live on the rooftop?"

"Bring it up to the company."

She stalls. "They wouldn't fire me for it, right?"

Jennie notices and gives her a fond smile. "I'd fight them if they do," she says before prying her hand out of Lisa's unwilling fingers and stepping out of the elevator. "Go."

She knows she must look goofy, but she can't help but move her body in weird angles to keep Jennie in sight as the elevator doors close. She lets the sound of Jennie's resulting laughter ring in her ears, leaving her smiling like an idiot all the way to the rooftop.

Lisa immediately takes a deep breath as soon as she pushes the heavy metal door open. The sky was dark but still colorful, the last of the sun and the beginning of the moon painting dusk everywhere she looked. Out of all the girls, she was the one who understood Chaeyoung's fixation with this time of the day. It really was beautiful, and Lisa doesn't stop her thoughts from straying to Jennie.

She wasn't so naïve as to delude herself that they were dating or that they were together. She knew Jennie deliberately avoided talking about her own feelings because she was still unsure. Lisa doesn't know what will become of them, doesn't know if she'll get what she dreamed of, doesn't even know of Jennie will feel for her the same way she does about her. If she's honest with herself, she could admit to feeling afraid now more than ever because she's so close to a dream come true. She's hopeful, and perhaps that's what makes all of this so terrifying.

But then she remembers the way Jennie seemed desperate to get her to believe that she'll stay even now that she knows. She thinks of the way Jennie said _yes, please_ when she asked if she could stop hiding. It makes her believe that they'll get there no matter how long it could take, that maybe love stays, that she's allowed to be hopeful for once. It's overwhelming, Lisa thinks, to have everything you know be proven wrong in a single moment. It's overwhelming, but it's also elating, and she doesn't really know how she's going to temper herself for Jennie's sake.

"Lis?" She hears a voice from behind her.

Turning, she watches Chaeyoung make her way towards her.

"What are you doing here?" Lisa asks.

"Jen told me you might need me," Chaeyoung answers with a quirk of an eyebrow.

Lisa melts and doesn't stop the smile that stretches her lips.

"Judging by that sappy expression on your face, I'm guessing something good happened?

She throws her arms around Chaeyoung's shoulders and doesn't bother smothering her giddiness. "I don't have to hide anymore. She knows. Jennie knows, and she promised she'll stay. Chaeng, _I don't have to hide anymore_."

The sheer relief in her voice prompts an excited giggle from her companion.

"I mean," Lisa continues trying her best to control her hope even though her heart feels like it's so full, it might burst. "She doesn't really know how she feels about me yet. But I think that's okay. I mean, she's probably never looked at me in, like, a _romantic_ way until she found out. I asked her if I'm allowed to hope, and she didn't really answer that other than to tell me that she could disappoint me, but Chaeng," she pulls her closer until she can rest her forehead against hers, "I-I can hope, right? I-I'll be okay if I do, right?"

She's babbling, she knows. Chaeyoung only continues giggling, drunk on her relief. "I'm so happy for you, Lis. And I think it's okay to hope. You've spent far too long being hopeless and hurt. I think you can take this time to hope and do the best you can to win her over. Take a leap of faith, and trust that she'll be there to catch you. And if she isn't, then I'll be here and I'll make sure you're not alone. It's not a perfect deal, but life isn't a fairytale. I think you're allowed to make the most out of the chance you've been given."

"That," Lisa chokes but doesn't cry because she doesn't think she has any tears left for the day, "that sounds like a plan. That sounds like everything I didn't dare ask for. That sounds like a dream. I'm literally running out of similes, but I'm just… I'm just _so_ happy that I didn't lose her."

"I'm happy for you, too. You deserve to love the way you want to," Chaeyoung pushes at her shoulder. "I told you so."

Lisa stumbles back but recovers quickly before giving her best friend a brilliant smile. "You did. I'm so glad you were right."

"Oh gosh, now we're going to have to deal with sappy you."

"Hey! I'm not that bad!"

"Yeah, tell that to the smile you haven't been able to stop since you got back."

\--------------------

Jennie was lost in thought when Lisa followed her into the living room, leaving Jisoo and Chaeyoung on cleanup duty. They have an early schedule tomorrow, and while they should have gone straight to bed, Jennie knew that she and Lisa still needed to talk. She had her own questions, and she knew that Lisa also had her own set. She wasn't all that surprised when Lisa followed her, but she did raise a single eyebrow when the blonde took a seat on the other end of the couch.

Usually, they would sit close together, not minding the way there's an entire half of the couch left unoccupied. It's been that way for years, and it's only when Lisa gingerly sat on the other end that she took notice of the fact that it was _their_ habit that Lisa was attempting to break. At the look on her face, Lisa scratched the back of her neck bashfully.

"I wanted to give you some space?" Lisa's explanation was more of a question but Jennie has known her for a long time.

"You're not going to make me uncomfortable by sitting close to me, Lisa-yah," she reprimands amusedly.

Lisa smiles at her sheepishly but doesn't make a move to bridge the distance. So, Jennie stands up and repositions herself on Lisa's end before taking her hand.

"Talk to me?" Jennie requests, knowing that there was more to it than that.

Lisa looks down, her sheepish smile turning into something kind of fragile. Jennie gives her hand a comforting squeeze, resisting the urge to pull Lisa into her arms. Distantly, she realizes that they've always been affectionate with each other, always naturally falling into each other's arms, always seeking comfort from the one person they knew would give it.

"I'm…" Lisa hesitates like she's trying to find the right words. "I'm still half-convinced I'm dreaming. The other half of me believes this is all real, but I'm still… afraid?" Jennie nods once to encourage her when Lisa turned to look at her. "I'm still afraid that I'll make you uncomfortable."

"And that'll be why I'll leave you?" Jennie continues.

Lisa flinches and inches back almost unnoticeably, her habits getting the best of her even though she knew Jennie wanted her to stop hiding. Jennie sees it all and wonders how big a scar hopelessness left behind on the blonde. All the same, Lisa nods.

"It's not that I don't believe or trust you. It's just…" Lisa pauses, raking a hand through her hair in exasperation as she struggles to be honest and open. "I've been afraid for a long time, and that's not your fault."

Jennie tries to imagine Lisa afraid, and she remembers how she collapsed in on herself when the blonde realized that she knew. And Lisa has always been the bravest, the strongest, the happiest to her, but the image reminds her that maybe Lisa is the way she is because she survived being buried alive by everything she felt and believed. It hurts, Jennie realizes, to think of how Lisa turned and twisted herself into someone she would stay for, someone who could love in whispers and murmurs, someone who wouldn't be left behind again.

"What can I do to convince you?" Jennie asks, voice rough and hand clutching Lisa's because she can't imagine letting her go.

Lisa shrugs helplessly. "I think I just need time to un-learn all that I know," she sighs like she's trying to get the words out. "If it's not too much to ask, will you… could you…" Lisa chuckles, laughing at herself for her inability to say what she wanted to say. Jennie squeezes her hand again, trying to tell her it's okay that she's struggling.

It does the trick, and Jennie sees the way her bottom lip trembles just the slightest bit, eyes melting into something soft and pleading, hand grasping onto hers.

"Stay?" Lisa says quietly even though Jennie can hear the barely-there desperation in the way the word cracked in between. "I'd understand if you don't feel the same way. I don't want you to force yourself to feel something you don't. I need you in my life, Jen, in whatever way you want."

And Jennie doesn't think she's ever been someone so important to another that they'd look like the sky might be falling at the thought of her leaving until this moment. But as Lisa's nails dig ever so slightly into her knuckles, Jennie feels like she could believe that she's someone who matters. It makes her think of the days when she feels insignificant and ugly and alone, and she wonders how Lisa, even when she's sad and overwhelmed and afraid, could still make her believe in something impossible, something that feels a lot like salvation.

So, she bridges the inch of space that Lisa's habits left behind, scooting close until they're pressed together, arm to arm, leg to leg, heart to heart. She looks deep into pleading brown eyes, hoping that Lisa could see that leaving isn't something Jennie could do.

"I'll stay for however long you want me to," Jennie says slowly, letting _I could never leave you_ and _I think I could love you_ wrap around the sentence.

Lisa softens, melting into the cushions against her back all the while keeping her eyes on Jennie. "Then, I hope you're okay being stuck with me for a very long time."

Jennie chuckles. "Wouldn't have it any other way."

Lisa hesitates just long enough for Jennie to notice. "What if I make you uncomfortable? I… My feelings are huge, Ni. It's a lot, even for me. Asking me to stop hiding means letting all that show."

"Trust me to tell you," Jennie answers. "I understand why you're afraid, Lis. But I hope you know that I wouldn't have approached you about this if I wasn't ready to confront it. This is new for both of us, and I think we could learn together. I think I could understand how I feel for you without needing you to hide." She blinks and then says, "speaking of, it's been years?"

Lisa laughs a little self-deprecatingly at her disbelief. "Years," she confirms.

"When did you know that…" Jennie pauses as a blush appears on her cheeks.

"That I'm in love with you?" Lisa asks, eyes shining with something like relief at being able to say it out loud. "I don't really know."

"There wasn't a moment?"

"No. I think it happened slowly, but I also think it happened right from the beginning."

"How do you mean?"

Lisa looks at her like she sometimes does, like she's seeing something Jennie can't see, and Jennie instinctively knows what she's going to say. "You're beautiful, Jennie," Lisa says before laughing again. "My baby gay self didn't stand a chance."

Jennie thinks she could believe her even on her worst days.

"If you're asking when I realized it," Lisa continues like she didn't just attempt to unravel Jennie's self-esteem issues. "I'm going to have to say that it was when we were in Thailand. That day we spent roaming around Bangkok."

"When we are at the rooftop overlooking Thailand?"

Lisa shakes her head. "It was much later. You were already asleep, and I was sitting in the living room looking at our photos. Mom came over and kind of ambushed me. I knew that I felt something for you long before that, but I don't think I realized what it was until Mom promised she'd love me for who I am."

"She knows?"

"She's the first to know. She probably noticed even before I did. I couldn't hide," Lisa tells her. "You know I can't lie to her to save my life so I told her I love you at the same time that I realized it."

"And then you came to me," Jennie continues, remembering how she felt when she opened her eyes to see Lisa in the moonlight, how her stomach clenched at everything Lisa tried not to let her hear in the way she said _hey_ , how she shivered at the feeling of Lisa's heart beating a fast-paced lullaby against her back. She really should have known sooner.

Jennie rubs a thumb over her finger. "That was the first time you asked me to stay."

"It was," Lisa agrees before shifting to pull her hand away and using it to pull Jennie against her side like she's remembering what she was feeling before she asked her to stay. Jennie goes willingly because that's how it's always been for them. "I was terrified, but I was also exhausted. It's like everything that confused me for years culminated into one night and gave me this really big thing I didn't know how to handle. I didn't have the energy to deal with it. Up until that night, the only thing I knew about love was that it leaves. I couldn't bear the thought of you leaving. So, I asked you to stay because I couldn't find it in myself to hide and because I was hoping it could be the one thing that I could trust to make sense."

Jennie cuddles closer. "I meant what I said then, Li. _Always_."

Lisa is nothing but honest when she says, "one day, I hope I'll believe you."

Jennie nods because one day can't undo the years' worth of damage. "I'll tell you as many times as you need to hear it."

Lisa turns her head enough so that she can press her lips against her temple. Jennie closes her eyes, dropping her hand on Lisa's thigh. "Stay?" She asks the way she did that one night – unexpectedly weary, unmistakably fond, and unbearably hopeful all at the same time.

A small smile lifts the corner of her lips, stomach fluttering and chest filling to the brim with affection for Lisa, for the girl who was terrified that one night in the midst of everything she called home, for the woman she came to be two years later. In this moment, Jennie wants nothing more than to see who Lisa will be now that she's allowed to love loudly.

"Always."

\--------------------

Jennie doesn't think she knew exactly what she was asking for when she told Lisa to stop hiding.

Lisa was meek at first. She was almost skittish in her affection, and Jennie understood. She did her best to reassure her that it was alright, that she wouldn't change her mind about staying. She stayed in Lisa's arms a little longer, dropped a kiss on a blushing cheek when Lisa's being adorably bashful, and answered _always_ whenever Lisa asked her to stay.

It's hard to leave old habits behind, Jennie knew, so she gave Lisa time to adjust to the new reality where she had nothing left to hide, no secrets to forcefully shove under the rug, no words to violently stomp down her throat. Slowly, but surely, Lisa caught on.

If Jennie were to describe it, she would say that it was like getting to know Lisa all over again. This Lisa, the one who could love the way she wanted to, is sweeter, stronger, livelier. The world around her responds to her apparent happiness and relief. Jisoo worried a little less and allowed herself to forget that they had an image to uphold. She let herself be goofy around them, flailing her limbs and making funny faces just to get them to laugh. Chaeyoung, much like Lisa, loved louder where it matters. Jennie would often come home just to find her where Jisoo is, singing a song she's yet to finish, fingers plucking a soft melody from her guitar.

And Jennie… well, Jennie has been feeling a lot of things since Lisa stopped hiding.

\--------------------

(Sometimes, Jennie feels nothing but fondness.)

Like when Lisa left for Paris before she did, and she found her manager first thing in the morning, awkwardly holding a sunflower in his hands. Jennie remembers being absolutely confused because he's married and really shouldn't be giving flowers to anyone other than his wife and yet, he's extending it for her to take before she could even get in the car.

"Just… Just take it, please," their manager says like he's been holding onto it for hours.

Jennie does what he says, a little suspicious and a lot apprehensive. Everything vanishes when she sees the note plastered on the stem of the sunflower, immediately recognizing Lisa's loopy script.

_I already miss you._

Later, when Jennie finds the time to look for what sunflowers mean, she'll read things like _adoration_ and _unconditional love_ and _you're my happiness_. And Jennie never really liked yellow, but she thinks Lisa might teach her a thing or two about it that she could love.

(Other times, Jennie feels absolutely and utterly loved.)

Like when Lisa managed to untangle herself just enough to ask her if she could wake Jennie up in her room instead of waiting for her in the kitchen. She was adorable, all fidgeting hands and eyes firmly on the ground in between them before finally rushing through her question. Jennie had smiled before placing a firm kiss on Lisa's cheek and whispering an _okay_ against her ear.

The next morning, Jennie sees a glimpse of how much Lisa was hiding over the past few years.

The first thing she sees is Lisa's soft brown eyes. She's sitting on the edge of her bed, letting her weight draw Jennie back into reality. Lisa doesn't touch her, but the look in her eyes is enough to tell Jennie that yes, this is the woman who's in love with her. Lisa's looking at her like she can't see anything else, like Jennie holds constellations in her sleepy hands, like she's offering her heart for her to take.

She takes in a sharp breath, reaching out to find Lisa's unmoving hand. Lisa blinks at her, surprised, before pinching the bridge of her nose and muttering something along the lines of _oh Jesus, how do I survive this_ and then bending down toward Jennie and tucking her face in the crook of her neck.

And Jennie… Jennie wonders if she can feel her suddenly racing pulse as Lisa murmurs a gentle _good morning_ and an almost inaudible _I love you_.

Jennie hears it all – the disbelief in her _good morning_ like Lisa can't believe she's allowed to see her like this and the quiet resignation in her _I love you_ like Lisa can't help but fall for her despite her best efforts.

It makes her pull the blonde toward her until they're cuddling because this is the best she can give to Lisa right now, and it's better than nothing.

They ended up napping the day away, and Jennie thinks she's going to need to think of the right words to answer Lisa when she's like this because cuddling eats away at their productivity and lands them in front of an irate manager.

(Most of the time, Jennie feels breathless.)

Like when Lisa was sleep-deprived and exhausted because she'd been out on one schedule after another. She stumbled into the dorm, looking like she was hit by a bus, all dazed eyes and wobbly steps. Jennie had been in the kitchen preparing lunch. She heard Lisa's footsteps from a mile away, and she turned as soon as she came into view.

Chaeyoung and Jisoo are content to watch Lisa stumble to an abrupt stop, jaw hanging slightly open. Jennie rounds the counter in concern.

"Are you alright, Li?"

Lisa doesn't answer her, eyes fixed on her form. Somewhere behind her, she hears Jisoo snicker before a resounding smack reverberated through the room that she assumes came from Chaeyoung. Jennie pokes the unmoving blonde in front of her.

Lisa blinks.

Once.

Twice.

And then, she throws her hands up and tilts her head back like she's asking for divine intervention.

Lisa stays in the position for a few seconds before finally looking back down at her, hands reaching to cup her face. Jennie flushes, unused to Lisa being this forward.

"I don't understand," Lisa says.

"Understand what?" Jennie asks, words slightly muffled as the blonde presses down on her cheeks.

Completely serious and looking like she's being victimized, Lisa exclaims, "I don't understand how you can be this beautiful! I saw you a few hours ago! How is it that you look more beautiful now, Jennie?"

Jisoo laughs, and she can hear Chaeyoung attempt to stifle her giggles. Jennie counts herself officially flattered because she's pretty sure she has cooking oil smeared across her cheeks and there's probably rice in her air and the apron she's wearing is anything but flattering. She blushes, a common occurrence now that Lisa's not hiding anything.

Lisa groans in utter exasperation, dropping her hands and moving past Jennie to take a seat on the counter.

Lisa falls asleep in seconds, and Jennie can't find it in herself to mind that she's snoring away in front of the food she worked hard to make, not when she's trying to remember how to breathe.

(Every time, Jennie feels like there was never an _I think_ and a _could_ in the _I think I could love you_ that she leaves unspoken.)

Like when Lisa looks at her as if she handed her the moon and stars when all Jennie did was give her a homecooked meal because she knows Lisa hasn't eaten anything all day. Jennie kind of freezes in her spot, a smile still on her face, and hands still clutching the lunchbox when Lisa asks _for me?_ in a tone that tells Jennie she did something that made her fall in love all over again. Lisa takes the lunchbox like it's gold, and Jennie feels _appreciated_ because Lisa acts like she knows there's a cut on her finger from when she was mincing the onions, like anything Jennie makes is a gift, like Jennie herself is a gift no one deserves to have.

Like when Lisa seeks her out one night because she feels lonely and she ends up kind of crying because Jennie took one look at her and knew exactly what she needed. Jennie had been in a late-night photo shoot, and she was just as exhausted as the rest of the team. Lisa didn't text her that she'd be coming, but when they finally told her to take a break because Jennie's starting to fall asleep on set, she finds Lisa on the couch twisting her hands again and again. Lisa fusses over her as soon as she realizes that she's there, giving her a still-warm coffee before wrapping a blanket around her shoulders. This is how Jennie knew that Lisa is lonely because she fusses and cares and loves when she needs to feel like there are people in the world who thinks of her. Jennie takes her hand, stopping her fidgeting, and leads her to her dressing room, and hugs her until the blanket is wrapped around both of them. She hears Lisa's quiet sniffles beside her ear, and Jennie feels _honored_ because Lisa is strong but she lets Jennie see that she can also be weak and lonely and sad.

Like when Lisa dances as if there's a weight that was lifted off her shoulders and Jennie only realizes how _good_ she is at what she does when the blonde throws her a wink as she drops to the goddamn floor. Jennie doesn't think she breathes properly until _after_ the routine because Lisa keeps her eyes on her like she knows exactly what she's doing. It's so different from the shy, sweet Lisa she's gotten used to, and it's not like Jennie didn't know she could work the stage, but now that she knows who’s lucky enough for Lisa to dance for them, Jennie can't help but feel _blessed_ because Lisa _wants her_.

\--------------------

Jennie can't breathe, and she feels like her insides are going to burst out of her body as she bends over and almost rolls off of her bed in laughter. Lisa tugs her back to the center of the bed before her face could meet the floor, laughing just as loudly.

They had decided to spend Halloween in the most stereotypical fashion: binge-watching horror movies. Of course, all but Jisoo could stand the inevitable adrenaline rush brought about by the jump scares and the background music and the resulting ear-splitting screams. Chaeyoung had quit right after the first movie, and Jisoo had hurried to comfort her, knowing all too well that Chaeyoung wouldn't be sleeping peacefully anytime soon. Lisa and Jennie opted to brave through two more movies, perhaps looking for an excuse to cling to each other or just so that they could build new inside jokes.

Hours after Lisa finally threw her hands up and admitted that she couldn't take anymore, Jennie laid on her bed, feeling like the shadows were creeping closer with every passing minute. Lisa apparently wasn't faring any better because just when Jennie thought she's going to have to wait for sunrise to catch a couple of hours of sleep, Lisa had called for her from the other side of the door. Jennie, deciding that pride didn't matter anymore because she already thinks that there's something in her closet, told her to come in right after Lisa said _I'm freaking out, please save me._ She jumped into her arms as soon as Lisa threw her body under the blankets.

They were quiet, all shaking limbs and pounding hearts – leftover effects from being terrified out of their wits. But Lisa has always been braver than she is so she wasn't really surprised when the blonde tried to joke about their situation.

"I thought Kim Jisoo was going to throw up when that idiot of a girl turned around to look at whatever was following her," Lisa starts a little shakily. "Did you see how she gritted her teeth while the rest of us screamed?"

"She's Jisoo, she's okay," Jennie answers without hesitation, eager to let Lisa save them from a sleepless night.

"Yeah, she was far from okay. She almost peed her pants."

There's really nothing funny about that but Jennie grins anyway because this is better than thinking something's going to grab her foot from under the bed. Lisa keeps trying to crack jokes here and there until she finally gives up and brushes her hands against Jennie's sides.

"Lisa," she says, a warning clear in her tone.

Lisa looks at her, a mischievous smile on her face even as she puts on her best innocent look. "Hm?"

"Don't you dare," Jennie says, hand clutching Lisa's wrist.

The smile widens, and before she knows it, Lisa's drumming her fingers against her ribs.

"Yah! Lalisa! Stop!" Jennie exclaims in between laughing breaths as she tries to push Lisa away.

"No way!" Lisa answers, her sentence abruptly turning into a squeal when Jennie manages to contort her body enough to fold herself away from Lisa _and_ poke the blonde's ticklish spots.

They end up in a tangled mess of limbs once they both felt like they've laughed all their fears out. Jennie's pinned to the bed as Lisa lays half on top of her. Her lungs burn with the need for air as she spits out hair, making Lisa chuckle next to her. She heaves another breath when Lisa lifts herself up and off her, flopping gracelessly beside Jennie.

"Think you can sleep now, Jen?" Lisa asks as she shifts to lay on her side, facing Jennie.

"I wasn't scared," Jennie answers instinctively.

"That's not what I asked."

"I really wasn't scared," she insists with a roll of her eyes when Lisa only hums noncommittally. "You're the one who came knocking on my door."

"Because I knew you were scared."

"I was _not_."

And this is the silliest thing to argue about in the wee hours of the morning but Jennie has her pride, and she thinks that's okay because Lisa's looking at her like she understands she won't win this one. Jennie faces Lisa, mirroring her position. None of their limbs are touching, but in the dim light of her room and the moonlight from her window, Jennie feels suspended in a moment too intimate for anyone else to see.

"It's okay to be scared, you know," Lisa murmurs.

"I know," Jennie answers in the same tone because they're no longer talking about the horror movies they'll probably end up dreaming about. "I'm not scared." _Not yet_.

Lisa's eyes soften. "Will you let me know if you do? End up feeling afraid, I mean." _Will you let me know when whatever-this-is becomes something special enough to scare you?_

"Depends," Jennie whispers hesitantly. "Will you wait for me?"

And that's the crux of the matter, she supposes. Lisa has never made her feel like she's expecting something from her, never rushed her to tell her if she feels it yet, never pushed her to her direction. But Jennie knows that there's an expiry date for everything, and the thought of Lisa simply giving up on her before she could understand whatever-this-is between them _hurts_. It's unbearably selfish of her because Lisa has done nothing but love her selflessly and unconditionally for years. But now that Jennie's had a taste of what it could be like to be with Lisa, she can't help but feel a little greedy. It's unfair, Jennie knows, because she can't expect Lisa to keep waiting in limbo when she can't even begin to move past the confusion that she feels when she thinks she could reciprocate.

Right now though, Jennie wants her to wait because she's close to something life-changing, and she doesn't think she could reach out and grab it without Lisa by her side.

" _Jennie_ ," Lisa says. "I'll wait for as long as you want me to."

Lisa shuffles close enough to press her lips against her forehead. Jennie inhales sharply, hand coming up to grip Lisa's waist. Lisa moves down to kiss her nose lightly before angling her head to brush her lips across her cheekbone. Jennie closes her eyes, making no move to stop Lisa when she lingers right where she is, breath warm against her cheek, forehead pressed against her temple, lips inches away from hers. Lisa doesn't touch her anywhere else, but that doesn't matter because they're so _close_ and Jennie realizes that if Lisa moved to kiss her properly, she would kiss her back.

Her heart pounds for an entirely different reason as she fights to lay still, unwilling to jostle Lisa off of her but also unprepared to turn her head just right even as she thinks _I want her to kiss me_. Lisa's breathing hitches like she could hear her thoughts, her trembling lips pressing on Jennie's jaw before pulling away. Jennie opens her eyes and feels like her heart skipped three beats in a row when Lisa looks right at her, lips slightly parted and brown eyes dark with something that Jennie has only ever seen in passing.

Her hand remains firm on Lisa's waist, and she has to swallow against the urge to pull her closer. She watches Lisa track the movement of her throat, and just when she thinks _this is it_ , Lisa blinks, seemingly trying to gain control over herself. She blinks again, and then she sighs, her exhale tinged with a barely audible groan that travels like lightning down Jennie's spine. Lisa drops back down beside her, moving back a bit. She smiles sheepishly.

"Sorry," Lisa says, voice low and rough. Jennie bites her bottom lip before deciding that honesty is probably the best way to handle whatever-this-is.

Jennie traces her thumb across Lisa's bottom lip, her eyes following the movements before looking back up to Lisa, who seemed to have stopped breathing. _Good_ , Jennie thinks, at least she's not the only one drowning in this.

"I wanted you to kiss me," Jennie whispers, vulnerable and honest.

Lisa's eyes widen in shock, mouth parting open. Jennie waits for her to regain her senses, keeping her thumb where it is.

"I-what. Jen?"

Jennie huffs out a laugh at her apparent disbelief. "I know. The thought surprised me too. I wanted you to kiss me, but I didn't think I was anywhere near ready if you did."

"A-And how do you feel now?"

"I'm not sure. Is it weird that I'm kind of disappointed and relieved at the same time?"

Lisa shakes her head both to gather her thoughts and to disagree with her. "No. I understand. Do you know why you wanted me to kiss you?"

"Other than the fact that I'm apparently attracted to you?" Jennie smiles at the bashful look that overtakes Lisa's face. "I don't know. I think some part of me hoped that if you kissed me, I'd be able to understand how I feel about this."

Lisa stares at her for a few seconds, and Jennie feels suddenly shy because she _did_ just admit that she found her attractive in _that_ way. Sensing her discomfort, Lisa moves to capture her wrist, pulling her hand away from her lips. Slowly, without breaking eye contact, Lisa presses a kiss on her palm, the sensation capturing the entirety of her attention and sending her heart into overdrive. Lisa then drops their hands in the space between them, intertwining their fingers as she did.

"When- _If_ ," Lisa corrects herself, trying to rein in the hope that bled into her tone, "if we kiss, I want it to be because you want it for no other reason than to have that moment with me. I can't give you a life-changing kiss, Ni. That's just too much pressure."

Jennie returns Lisa's grin with a smirk. "Have you no confidence in your skills, Lisa-yah?"

"Oh, I do. But I don't think I'm talented enough to set the world right for you."

Jennie scoffs even as the grin stays in place. "We'll see."

"We _will_?" Lisa quips. "Are you expecting something, Kim?"

She rolls her eyes, the effect ruined by the yawn that involuntarily pushes its way past her mouth. Lisa settles down next to her.

"Can I still sleep here?" Lisa asks.

"Yes, please," Jennie slurs more than says. "No more horror movies for us," she adds as she moves to lay her head on Lisa's chest, feeling an arm coming up to wrap itself around her waist automatically.

"I dunno. It's not so bad; not when it made you want _me_ to kiss you."

Jennie pinches Lisa's side, making her squeak in surprise. "Sleep."

Lisa hums, pulling her closer. Jennie only has enough energy to think that she likes having this with Lisa. _This_ being the flirting and the cuddling and everything else that made what would have been a sleepless night an adventure. She likes being held like this, and she can't imagine anyone else she'd rather be with right now. It's selfish because the thought of Lisa doing this with someone else _hurts_.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennie meets up with an old friend, and Lisa fights for her in the best way she knows how.

The days and weeks bleed together in Jennie's confusion. It'll be December in a couple of weeks, and the cold brought with it something that burns in the pit of her stomach when she looks at Lisa. She won't lie; Jennie thought about avoiding her for a while, at least until she sorts out her own thoughts and feelings. But then, _always_ echoes in her ears, and she knows that Lisa will notice the inches of space she would leave behind. She thought about asking Lisa to hide again just until Jennie catches her breath. But then, she remembers Lisa's arms and how that's where she feels like she can breathe, and she knows that asking Lisa to hide would do nothing but hurt them both. She thought about telling her she loves her too even though she's far from certain. But then, she dreams of Lisa's eyes and the way her love is written across her face, and she knows that Lisa deserves more than a halting _I think I love you, too_.

Jennie doesn't understand what's wrong. She doesn't know what's stopping her from loving Lisa when she knows it's there, humming in her bones and hiding in her heart. She feels it most when Lisa does little things that tell Jennie she knows how to love her and when Lisa gives her big moments that tell Jennie she knows how to give her the world. And yet, when it feels like the words are going to claw out of her throat, there's always something that shoves it back down where it came from.

It's exhausting, Jennie thinks as she makes her way to a hole-in-the-wall café, body covered head to toe in an effort to keep her identity a secret. It's exhausting because she prefers it when things made sense, when she could take everything that happens around her and put them in neatly labeled boxes that she could process. She almost hates the fact that Lisa stays happily outside of her boxes, unpredictable in how she loves, irrational in how she keeps falling. Jennie also doesn't like that her own feelings about Lisa are muddled and unclear and uncertain because she can't catch Lisa when she falls, not when she holds her arms out half-heartedly.

"Help," is the first thing she says to Kai when she drops heavily across him.

They've managed to maintain their friendship after the entire mess that was January. Kai understood that Jennie would always put the girls first, that she couldn't stay in a relationship that has managed to hurt everyone she loves, that she couldn't be happy with him when it killed her to stay. She had texted him a week prior, hoping that he could at least help her understand the bits and pieces she could give him about Lisa.

After all, if there was anyone in the world who could tell her if she was in love, then it would be the one person who knows what love looks like on her.

Kai raises his coffee in greeting, nose buried in his scarf. There's barely anyone in the café, and they prefer it that way, knowing firsthand that photos can deal devastating damage. He pushes a cup of coffee toward her, and she takes it gratefully, using it to warm her freezing fingers.

"I was surprised when you texted," Kai says, keeping his voice low even though it's late and the café's pretty much deserted.

Jennie nods because they've kept in contact but it was never enough to let her demand a sudden café meeting without preamble. "I think I'm that desperate."

"So you only come to me when you're desperate?" There's a teasing lilt in his tone, and it makes Jennie chuckle. "I thought we’ve gone through enough for you to know that you can always rely on me."

"I do know that," Jennie insists, returning his banter with a teasing grin. "I just didn't think we'd both want to be caught on camera again."

"Yeah, because that went so well last time, right?" Kai jabs harmlessly.

There are no romantic feelings here, Jennie decides. She doesn't feel the same way she did when they were together, and she thinks Kai feels the same way because he's all charm and confidence where he was awkward and hesitant in his courtship. Jennie is glad that she at least got a friend out of January's shitstorm. But she also wonders why she can't establish a conclusion with the same certainty when it comes to Lisa.

"So," Kai starts, tone still light. "We better hurry, unless you want the paparazzi to come ruin everything again."

For a few minutes, Jennie falls silent, trying to gather the mess that was her thoughts.

She swallows the bitter liquid before fiddling with the handle of the cup.

"Spit it out, Jen," Kai prompts.

"There's… someone who recently told me they're in love with me."

"I'd ask if I should be worried, but we both know there's nothing here," Kai immediately answers, trying to lighten the tension that Jennie introduced into their corner.

Jennie raises an eyebrow at him, grateful for his easy honesty. "You want me to get the story out or not?"

Kai raises his hands in surrender.

"I don't really know how I feel about it. On the one hand, I think I return the feelings to some level. But on the other hand, I don't know… There's, like, something that stops me from going all in," she pauses because she can see a question in Kai's eyes.

"Where do I fit in all of this?"

"I need you to tell me if I'm actually in love with this person or not."

Kai stares at her. And then he laughs as quietly as possible. "Jen…"

Jennie rolls her eyes. "I know, I know, it sounds ridiculous now that I've said it. But I don't know what to do anymore because nothing makes sense when it comes to this person."

"I'm not laughing because I think it's ridiculous. I'm laughing because I'm not in a place to tell you that."

"How so? I mean, I know we were together for all of two months but I _did_ feel something for you then."

"Yeah, but I don't think it was big enough for you to be _this_ desperate."

Jennie sighs because that's true. "Just… help me make sense out of all of this."

He peers at her, curious. "Okay," he says slowly. "Tell me about this person."

She struggles to do as he asked because Lisa is—

"—Everything," Jennie says into her coffee. "They're… They're everything. They're sweet and attentive and thoughtful but they're also kind of a dork and oblivious to the effect they have on others. They take care of me so well, I almost think they know me better than I do, but they also don't know how to take better care of themselves. They're honest, but sometimes I think she hides things just to protect the people she loves."

It isn't until Kai grins at her that she realizes what she just said. She pales, fear immediately freezing her veins and sending her mind to the worst possible scenarios.

"I—" she starts, trying to do damage control.

He waves off the rest of her sentence. "No need to explain yourself to me, Jen. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, and if you're worried I'm disgusted, then don't. I'm not that kind of person."

Jennie relaxes, the tension that's been there since before she entered the café sifting out of her body in one rushed exhale.

"Just to be clear, and please know that you can trust me with this," Kai waits for her nod before continuing, "we're talking about Lisa?"

She shoots him an incredulous look because _how_ could he possibly know that? He chuckles.

"That's a yes," he says. "I'm not blind. There was the one time I picked you up from your dorm and she walked you to the parking lot. I think it was a couple of weeks after the _Dispatch_ thing."

Jennie vaguely remembers what he's talking about because Lisa had insisted on accompanying her since she was also heading out for her own schedule. She hadn't been looking at her then, but she did remember Lisa stiffening at the sight of Kai. She resists the urge to groan at herself because Lisa's good at hiding but she's not perfect. There were slips; she just didn't see them for what they were.

"You were already in the car," Kai continues. "She passed by me and told me to take care of you in this really low and sad tone. It reminded me of a kicked puppy. Of course, I didn't think about it until you spent the last few days of our relationship talking about the girls. You talked about her the most. I didn't make the connection until now."

"I'm oblivious, aren't I?" Jennie groans.

"If it helps, I think we're all a little oblivious unless we know we have to pay attention," he sips his coffee. "So, what's the problem, Jen?"

She shrugs, feeling a bit defeated. "I don't know. I just can't seem to… Here's the thing: I know I'm attracted to her, I know I like being loved by her, and I know it hurts when I think about her moving on. I don't know if I'm in love with her. I don't know what's stopping me from feeling that way when I know I could be," she heaves a sigh.

"Have you ever thought that maybe you don't know if you're in love with her because you're scared of what it'll mean if you are?"

And Jennie loves that Kai gets straight to the point when he knows it's important. But right now, his perspective causes her to pause, hesitating on what to say next. She's thought a lot about what she might be afraid of. If anything, sometimes, it's all she can think about.

"You don't rush into anything without being prepared for every possible scenario," Kai muses. "It's how I knew there was no use fighting for you when you told me you couldn't be with me anymore. Maybe you're missing something? And maybe that's why you feel like nothing makes sense?"

"Be that as it may, what am I missing?" Jennie asks, more to herself than to her companion.

"Let's take it one step at a time." He places his mug on the table as he crosses his arms. "What do you have to be afraid of?"

This is easy, Jennie thinks.

"What _don't_ I have to be afraid of?" She answers. "I'm scared that either her or I could mess this up, and it'll be what will ruin us. I'm scared that I can't match how she feels for me because she's felt this way for years and I'm only now realizing that there _could_ be an us. I'm scared of what this means now that I know that I'm attracted to her. Does that make me gay or bisexual? I'm scared of what it'll mean once I do put a label on myself."

For a moment, Kai blinks at her. "That's-There's a lot to unpack there."

She chuckles humorlessly. "Yeah, no kidding."

"Well, I'll say it again: let's take it one step at a time. First of all, stop dooming the relationship before it even happens. What if it works? What if this is what you both need to be better people? What if _not_ getting into it is what will ruin you and Lisa and Jisoo and Rosé? You can't think about what could go wrong because something will and the only thing that matters is if you're willing to make it right."

Jennie's never really thought about it like that but admits that Kai has a valid point. The thought fills her with hope, and it's a welcome change from the desperation that she felt on her way here. So, she nods, letting him continue.

"Second, and I think you already know this, but it's honestly stupid to even compare how she feels to how you feel. Who's to say she loves you more than you could ever love her? Who can measure that? Because if you're comparing it based on what she does for you or how love looks like on her, then you need to remember that the same may not apply to you. That doesn't mean you feel for her any less than she does for you. Your girl's been in love with you for years; I think she knows not to expect the same things from you without doubting what you feel for her."

"She's not my girl," Jennie protests half-heartedly but Kai decidedly ignores her, the gears in his mind visibly turning relentlessly.

"Third, why are you in such a hurry to put a label on yourself? I mean, I get that you like the predictability of it all – like if you're bisexual then that means you're attracted to both males and females. But what does that have to do with how you feel for her? Why not take your time? This isn't something you can rush, Jen, not when it's part of who you are. Don't put a deadline on your own self-discovery. Is she rushing you at all?"

Jennie vehemently shakes her head. "No, she's not like that. I think she's actually willing to wait forever if that's what it takes."

Kai nods like he expected the answer. "Then, what's taking you so long? If I'm being honest, Jen, I don't think any of the questions you had are big enough to put a stop to your feelings. I mean, your fears are definitely valid, but dig a little deeper."

She doesn't really know what that means, but she tries to do as he says. She thinks of Lisa and what it would be like to be with her, feels the fluttering in her stomach that she now associates at the thought of her, knows the confusion and the fear that muddles everything good that she feels. She tries to push past it, focusing all that she is into thinking about what it could be like to be with Lisa.

Jennie knows that she'll be happy – there's no doubt there. But at what cost? What price will she have to pay for that happiness? They live under the spotlight, their movements watched and followed by millions of people all over the world. And Jennie… Jennie loves what she does, but she wonders if being Lisa will change that.

If she wants it to work, then she'll have to turn around, make friends with her demons, and invite them into everything that she does. They'll have to constantly look over their shoulders, knowing that they're never quite alone. If their relationship were to be exposed, they wouldn't have the luxury of waiting it out because there will always be someone who thinks different means something hateful, something wrong, something _abnormal_.

She freezes, feeling like she's been hit by a truck. Her mind flashes to the beginning of the year, to the hate that rained on her for months on end, to the terrifying realization that for as long as she stands in the spotlight, she won't ever have the luxury, the _right_ to live a normal life.

Jennie bites the inside of her cheek because it kills her to think that she might just choose to hurt Lisa instead of risk living the rest of her life in constant fear. She hates that that's even an option, hates that it's an outcome that Lisa's ready to survive, hates that she can't be reckless with her love.

"You and I…" she starts only to clear her throat. "We both live on stage, but more than that, we had what most people would call a _normal_ relationship. Even then, we were kicked down to the ground for something we couldn't control."

He leans forward, eyes soft and understanding and perhaps a tiny bit proud. "And you're scared because if you _are_ in love with Lisa, then that means you've got a lot more to be worried about?"

She nods, speechless because she didn't realize how much January hurt her until she's sat down in a hidden, deserted café with the one person who survived it all with her.

"I'm not gonna lie to you, Jen," he says as he fiddles with his tissue paper. "There's no easy answer. I remember how it was; I think I'm still scared of going to the park or getting inside my car with someone else even now. If you do this with Lisa, you could spend most of your relationship being scared and paranoid. But, Jen, if there's anything that January taught me, it's that some people are just worth the extra mile."

"What happened to us then?"

He shrugs, a kind smile on his face. "We didn't love each other enough to brave it all. I think the question you have to ask yourself is this: are you in love with Lisa? And if you are, do you think what you guys could be is worth risking going through something worse than what we went through in January?"

Jennie doesn't have a response to that.

\--------------------

Lisa feels like she's stuck inside a speeding car in the pouring rain. When Jennie told them that she met with Kai just to straighten some things out and that there's nothing to worry about because they were careful and because there's nothing there, she could almost hear the skidding tires. When Jennie began to pull away from her in public places where she would normally welcome the comfort that Lisa's willing to offer, Lisa could almost see the curve of the road coming closer with every passing day. When Jennie refuses to look her in the eye, Lisa could almost feel the drop of the cliff ahead.

She was honest when she said she was willing to wait for however long it takes for Jennie to understand her feelings. She just didn't expect it to feel like this – she didn't expect the waiting to feel like she's suspended in time waiting for the impact to happen and the hoping to feel like the car crash is going to either kill her or make her stronger.

Christmas is inching closer, and Lisa doesn't think she's ever been this relieved to go back home, where everything doesn't hurt as much as it does here.

Waiting was easy when Jennie was honest and open with her. She doesn't know what changed, but she knows Jennie, and she thinks it might have something to do with whatever she talked about with Kai. She also knows that Jennie probably doesn't notice she's doing it. Lisa doesn't know what hurts more – that Jennie is so terrified that it bleeds into everything she does or that Jennie thinks that whatever-this-is might be something special but not worth it enough to fight for.

Glumly, she pushes her suitcase to the door and lays the coat she'll be using on her way home on the back of the couch. Left in nothing but an oversized hoodie and jeans, Lisa feels vulnerable. It's something she's used to. She hasn't put armor on since the day Jennie asked her to stop hiding. She wouldn't start now, but perhaps, it might be time to give Jennie something else to think about, something to pull her back from her fears, something to look forward to.

She hears a set of keys before the doorknob to her apartment turns. Lisa straightens her back and breathes in deep until she feels the hope settle into her lungs.

If this car crash is going to kill her, then she could at least make sure that she'll go down fighting.

"Hey," Lisa greets Jennie as she steps into view.

Jennie smiles, and Lisa can't help but mirror it. "Hi? What's up? I got your text."

Lisa doesn't make a move to greet her with a hug in the way she normally does, and this seems to be Jennie's first warning sign as she stops short a few feet away from her.

She looks impossible, Lisa thinks, as she takes the time to appreciate Jennie. From the way her brown hair falls just past her shoulders to the way her blouse and coat hang loosely on her, Jennie looks like a dream. Lisa wonders, when after all this is over, if she'll be allowed to take Jennie's hand and hold her in the waking life.

"Lisa-yah," Jennie says hesitantly but doesn't come any closer. "Is everything okay? Did something happen?"

Lisa shakes her head. "Right now? Absolutely nothing at all. You're beautiful, Ni."

Just like the other times Lisa tells her so, Jennie ducks her head and bites back a smile before mumbling a shy and quiet _thank you_. Lisa watches as she bends to greet Leo and Lily, who were lounging on the carpeted floor in front of the couch. She grins because she knows Jennie's trying to hide the blush that she's already seen. She pads closer to her and waits until Jennie straightens back up, eyes everywhere but at Lisa.

"I'm leaving for Thailand tonight," she says casually enough to draw Jennie's attention back at her.

Jennie tilts her head in confusion and Lisa tries to breathe because she's _adorable_. "I know. Is this your way of asking me to babysit your cats?"

"Not quite. Chaeng's got that covered. You know how she misses taking care of anything that breathes."

Jennie chuckles. "That's true. It usually gets worse around this time of the year, especially when you're not around to keep her company during the holidays."

"Well, lucky for her and my cats, I'll be back before the new year."

Jennie hums, confusion still swimming in her eyes.

"Why am I here, Lili?" She asks but not unkindly.

Lisa decides to put her out of her misery. She lifts her hands, palms up, ignoring the way they tremble because she _is_ scared too, but right now is the time to be brave. Jennie places her hands on hers instinctively, and the warmth of their palms together soothes the part of Lisa that doesn't want her to risk any more than she already has.

"I really just wanted to see you. I haven't even left yet and I already miss you. Does-Is that okay?"

Jennie softens. "We're dropping you off at the airport, you dork."

"Yeah, but there are things I wouldn't be able to say or do out there. I didn't wanna go home without doing this."

The hands in hers tremble, and Lisa knows that this time, it's not because of her.

"Do… what exactly?"

Lisa doesn't know how she does it but she musters a big, beaming grin. "Will you dance with me, Jennie?"

Her excitement must soothe something in Jennie because her shoulders relax just a bit, and a tiny, if somewhat wary, smile lifts up the corners of her lips.

"To what music?"

Lisa winks before pulling one of her hands from Jennie to fish her phone out of her pocket. She's kind of glad she had the foresight to have a playlist that works well for this moment. It takes a couple of taps, and the first song filters through her speakers. It's upbeat and lively and everything else that Lisa feels when Jennie's happy. She tugs Jennie forward, hips already moving to the beat as she tosses her phone onto the couch. Jennie shakes her head in fond exasperation but lets her pull her closer.

She dances goofily to the first song, trying to ease Jennie into the atmosphere. It works just enough for her to laugh, but Lisa thinks they can do better. So, when the second song starts – this one all bass drops and excitement and everything she feels when Jennie is in her element – she teases her with a well-placed body roll.

"Relax," she says. "It's just us here. Dance with me, Jen."

Lisa knows Jennie hears the challenge in her tone as she smirks and finally lets loose. And _damn_ , Lisa isn't sure if this is a good idea because she just might die as Jennie tracks a hand down from the middle of her chest to her belly. She's not one to back down from a dare she issued, but Lisa takes the time to memorize the image because Jennie is amazing when she's doing what she loves to do. She hoots in response before letting her body take over.

By the third song that's just a tad bit slower but no less empowering than the last, Jennie has fully immersed herself. Lisa knows this because Jennie laughs when she does her infamous taxi dance even though it doesn't fit the music, because she winks before rolling her hips, because she jumps when the next song is one she recognizes. The music and their laughter fill her normally lonely apartment with warmth, and it all makes Lisa feel a little braver and a little more in love.

The fifth song is a far cry from the first, and Lisa intended it to be this way. She takes it as her cue to wrap an arm around Jennie's waist. She hasn't stopped giggling, and Lisa feels high on her happiness. In an overexaggerated movement, Lisa tips her chin up and extends her left arm for Jennie to take. Jennie doesn't hesitate as she fits their palms together.

It's messy because neither of them knows how to waltz, but for Lisa, it feels no less than perfect because even though they stumble through the entire song and even though they step on each other's sock-clad toes, Jennie doesn't let her go. Lisa stores this memory for her to dream about on her way home.

By the seventh song, Jennie has slotted her chin on her shoulder, her arm around Lisa's neck, and Lisa's got her cheek pressed against her head, her arm around Jennie's waist, hand still clutching hers. There's nothing to fear here, Lisa thinks because she can feel the way both of them are wrapped up in each other's arms like there's nowhere in the world they'd rather be. The song is slow but reaching, mellow but hopeful. They sway in place, and Lisa lets the pounding of her heart add a little excitement to the music.

"You know," she trails off as memories of crumpled paper and deleted notes take over her mind.

Jennie hums softly, seemingly as unwilling as Lisa to bring them out of the moment.

"There's something I've been thinking about for a while."

Jennie snorts quietly, the sound bringing a smile to Lisa's lips. "How long's a while?"

She pulls her closer but doesn't feel like it's enough. "Years."

Jennie's breath hitches audibly because there's only one thing that they both know Lisa's been thinking for that long.

"We'd be in the market or the bookstore or anywhere really," Lisa continues and doesn't let them freeze on the spot, wordlessly urging Jennie to keep swaying because maybe then they both won't feel how the world will shift beneath their feet. "And you'd do things like get the ingredients for my favorite Thai food or sniff the pages of an old book or put your feet up on my thigh, and I'd think to myself: if I were ever brave enough to tell you how I feel, how would I do it?"

"Did," Jennie clears her throat, "did you ever figure it out?"

"Oh, I had a lot of ideas. You didn't let me go through with any of them though. I didn't really count on you finding out without me being cliché as hell," Lisa teases.

"How would you have done it if I hadn't rained on your parade?"

"I was thinking a mixtape but then I remembered you had nothing to use to play it and creating a playlist just didn't seem as romantic."

Jennie chuckles.

"I also considered giving you flowers and an entire tub of milk-flavored ice cream because we both know you love that more than chocolates. _That_ seemed like a good idea until I found out that flowers speak an entire language of their own and that if I tried to give you the perfect ones, I'd be giving you a flower shop."

Jennie squeezes her nape gently, embarrassed.

"I tried writing it down but you know I'm a better dancer than I am a writer."

"I still would have read it," Jennie doesn't hesitate to say, and Lisa loves her for that.

"I know. But I think I know why the hypothetical playlist and flowers and notes didn't feel right."

"Why?"

Lisa pulls her closer still, smiling at the way Jennie willingly goes like she doesn't have to think about it. "Because I think you need to hear it as much as I need to say it. I know you, Jen. You won't believe something that's been dressed up in clichés. You need concrete proof that this is real. You need to see it. You need to hear it."

Jennie nods, chin burying deeper into Lisa's shoulder. "And why do you need to say it?"

"Because if nothing else, I want you to believe me when I say that you deserve all the love this world has to give," the arm tightens around her neck, and Lisa leans her forehead on her shoulder so that Jennie won't have to strain herself. "I want you to believe me when I say I want nothing more than for you to be happy. I want to make sure that you know that for me, this is worth fighting for."

"Lisa…" Jennie breathes but doesn't say anything else.

"So, I have a favor to ask," Lisa swallows, unable to get the nerves out of the way she clutches Jennie's hand just a little tighter. "I'm gonna stutter my way through this and I probably won't be great at it, but I want to tell you how I feel."

"So, tell me," Jennie says like she's pleading for her to do it. Lisa is relieved that she doesn't have to ask. "I promise I'll listen."

"Even if I ramble?"

"Even then."

Lisa inhales deep and exhales an _okay_ when she doesn't feel like she's going to faint on the spot. She pulls away but she keeps the arm she has wrapped around Jennie's waist and the hand she has holding hers where they are. Jennie finds her eyes easily, and Lisa swallows, her mouth suddenly dry. Suppressing the urge to look away, Lisa keeps them swaying to the soft music and doesn't break the eye contact. She opens her mouth when she figures out how to function when Jennie's looking at her like that.

"I'm in love with you."

The words come out as nothing more than a whisper because Lisa trusts that Jennie can hear her.

(Jennie watches the declaration tumble out of Lisa's mouth, earnest and loud like she shouted it from the rooftops. Lisa doesn't rush through it, doesn't say it like she hates that it's true, doesn't stumble like she's afraid. The surge of admiration and affection that overtakes her entire being steals her breath away.)

"I'm not-I won't apologize this time because I'm not sorry I fell in love with you," Lisa continues and tries not to cry. "At this point, I've said it so many times that I must sound like a broken record."

(Jennie shakes her head because Lisa could never make _I love you_ sound repetitive, not when she knows she means it every time.)

"And I've tried to come up with other ways to say it just so you won't get tired of hearing it, but most of the time, I feel like telling you I'm in love with you is the best way to put everything I feel for you into a sentence. Every time, I don't… It doesn't feel like it's enough."

(Jennie feels the fear that's become something like an old friend slither its way into her lungs. So, she grips the back of Lisa's neck a little tighter because she _will_ stay here, in the now, with Lisa. She deserves nothing less, and for the first time, she feels brave enough to give her this.)

"If," Lisa swallows because she's really going to end up crying if Jennie keeps looking at her like she's scared and fond all at the same time, "if you're expecting metaphors and poetry, then you might be disappointed. I've tried, you know, to write my feelings down like that, and it never seemed to end well. So, I'm just gonna…"

(Jennie lets Lisa stop their movements, lets her hold them in place, lets her draw herself up to her full height. Instinctively, she knows that whatever Lisa ends up saying next will shift her world on its axis because there's fire in Lisa's eyes at the same time that there's a hint of saltwater tears.)

"I'm not going to tell you that I love you to the moon and back," she says slowly because she wants Jennie to understand everything she's saying and everything else she leaves unspoken. "I don't think the distance from here to the moon is far enough to tell you how much I love you. I think, if we're going to use metaphors, then I love you to the stars and back and over and over again. That's the closest I've gotten to something accurate enough to describe how much I feel for you because if we're talking stars, then that means there's always one that's farther than the last.

"You make me feel like I could create constellations. You make me feel like I could carry worlds on my shoulders. You make me feel _impossible_ ," Lisa chuckles, throwing the rest of her caution to the wind. "So, when I tell you that I love you, I mean that I'm impossibly in love with you."

(Jennie bites her bottom lip, feeling like her heart just might burst because this is overwhelming and terrifying but it's also everything that she didn't know she needed to hear. She keeps her eyes on Lisa and watches the tears fall from her eyes. She squeezes Lisa's hand once before using her fingers and knuckles and palm to catch every drop.)

"I'm not going to tell you that you're perfect because you're not, and I love that you're not," Lisa continues, the warmth from Jennie's knuckles caressing her cheekbones spurring her on. "You're kind and determined and strong. But you're also short-tempered and impatient and aloof. I love that you give your best in everything that you do. I hate that, sometimes, you forget you don't have to be alone. I love that you try to be better than who you were yesterday. I hate that you're so hard on yourself.

"You're _human_ , and I think that's the most beautiful thing about you. You're flawed and imperfect but you keep trying anyway, and every time you do, you leave me breathless. So, when I tell you that I love you, I mean that I love everything about you, that I think you're beautiful, that I think _beautiful_ doesn't even begin to describe what I think of you – it's a pretty good start though."

(Jennie laughs around a choked-up sob because she hears the way Lisa says _it's okay_ and _I understand_ and _I've taken the time to know who you were yesterday and who you are today_. She hears the fragile hope in how she doesn't say _I'd like to be a part of who you will be tomorrow_. And she's afraid, incredibly so, but Lisa says everything like she knows she's trying, and it makes Jennie want to try _harder_.)

Lisa smiles and lets Jennie cry. She's beautiful even like this, but she doesn't tell her that because if she starts on that part again, she's never going to stop. She feels exhaustion and elation begin to creep in her bones, and she knows that there's only so much more she can say before she runs out of rough drafts of love letters that she's trying to stitch up right here and now.

"I can't promise that if you decide to do this with me, it's going to be easy. I can't promise I won't hurt you even if that's the last thing I want to do. I can't promise forever, Jennie, because this lifetime is all I have and all I know," she whispers. "But I promise to choose you when it gets hard. I promise to make it right when I mess it up because I can be stupid or selfish or what have you. More than anything, I promise I love you with everything I am."

(Jennie tries not to think about how Lisa has loved her for years – long enough for her to realize that life isn't a fairytale and that love isn't enough. Instead, she thinks about how, despite how much it must have hurt to be disillusioned, Lisa keeps choosing her. It must have been tiring and thankless and painful.

Lisa's going to ruin her, Jennie thinks. She's going to ruin her for anyone else, and for the life of her, Jennie can't find it in herself to mind.)

For a second, Lisa does nothing but breathe. She feels like she's scrubbed herself raw and the sheer vulnerability of it all makes her rest her forehead onto Jennie's. She closes her eyes and surrenders herself to her – trusting, wanting, loving.

She swallows and scrounges up all the love she has to give, and the rest of it she just hasn't found yet, and hopes it's enough.

"If you choose not to do this with me," she says and whispers _if you choose to break my heart_ in the spaces in between, "then I need you to know that I forgive you. Love isn’t something you can force yourself to feel, and I don’t want you to be with me out of pity. But I hope you’ll do me the same courtesy because you’ll have to forgive me, Jennie. You’ll have to forgive me because I want so badly to be yours, because I think I’ll always be yours, because there’s nothing in me that wants to love and be loved by anyone else but you.”

(Jennie doesn’t stop the whimper that slips past her lips because Lisa is too good, too kind, too loving for this messy, fucked up, beautiful world.. And Jennie… Jennie doesn’t know how she’s supposed to break her heart when the thought of it breaks hers too. So, when Lisa moves to press a kiss on her cheek, Jennie doesn't stop her. When Lisa brushes her lips down to her jaw, Jennie starts falling. When Lisa presses a feather-light and lingering kiss against the corner of her mouth, Jennie thinks _I want to kiss her_.

It's not because she's confused or overwhelmed or terrified even though she's all of those things. It's because Lisa's been giving her pieces of herself without expecting anything in return and it makes everything in Jennie burn with the want to give her something to hold on to even just for a little while, just until Jennie finds it in herself to be brave.

She wants Lisa to know that she is grateful that she loves her.

She wants Lisa to feel what it's like to be loved.

She wants—)

—Jennie kisses her.

Everything fades away for Lisa. She thinks of nothing and feels nothing but Jennie's palms against her cheeks, her lips against hers, her body so close to her own. It's chaste and sweet and everything Lisa never dared to imagine.

When Jennie pulls back, Lisa gathers up all the restraint and control she has left to not follow after her. It doesn't help that Jennie doesn't move far at all because Lisa can feel her hitching breaths against her lips. She opens her eyes, finds Jennie already looking at her, and Lisa falls in love all over again.

Perhaps it's the frantic beating of her heart or the way her stomach feels like it's going to fold in on itself or the way Jennie's looking at her with something that was only ever there in hints and crumbs. Whatever it is, it makes Lisa take a breath and doesn't stop the words from tumbling out.

"I want you to be happy, but if there's something in you, even if it's something small, that thinks being with me could make you happy, then ask me to wait," she says quietly but desperately. "Tell me I'm not only waiting for heartbreak."

(Jennie doesn't hesitate.)

"I'm _terrified_ ," Jennie tells her just as quietly and just as desperately, and it makes Lisa think that she didn't really know what hope was until this moment because fear means whatever-this-is matters. "So, _please_ , wait for me?"

Lisa stops thinking that this might be a car crash waiting to happen.

"Okay."


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennie tries to survive a roller coaster ride.

"I kissed Lisa."

Jisoo chokes on her chicken.

Jennie doesn't pay her any mind, and Jisoo might literally die from having a piece of chicken meat lodged in the wrong hole.

As she makes a grab for the carton of milk she keeps in handy, she watches Jennie. It's not an easy task considering she's convinced she's about to see her colon come out of her mouth. She aggressively drains the carton before punching her chest and glaring at Jennie, who has taken to wrapping her arms around herself, bottom lip jutted out in a pout, and gaze far away.

Jisoo makes an effort not to slap her when Jennie finally snaps to attention and asks, "are you okay?"

She couldn't stop herself from glaring. "I mean, I could have died and you wouldn't notice, but yeah, I'm okay."

Jennie has the decency to look sheepish. "Sorry."

"Is this how it's going to be from now on? You're just gonna drop bombs on me and give me a heart attack and/or choke me to death?"

The pout becomes more prominent. " _Unnie…_ "

Jisoo rolls her eyes as she pushes her chicken aside, deciding that this conversation is probably more important than her grumbling stomach.

"You were saying?" She prompts and watches as Jennie blushes.

"I kissed Lisa," she mumbles, more to the table than anything really.

"When did this happen?"

"Earlier today."

Jisoo rolls her eyes again because getting a story from Jennie when she's this shy is like pulling teeth.

"Jendeuk, just tell me."

She's relieved when Jennie actually complies after shyly giving her a hesitant smile. Jisoo expected the kiss to have happened impulsively or even recklessly. It's not because of who Jennie and Lisa are – it's just the Jisoo always knew that they were something more, something undeniable, something inevitable. She'd done her best not to pressure Jennie to see what she sees, content to let things play out the way they were meant to.

But then, Jennie tells her how everything happened, and all she could think was _damn, Lalisa_ because Lisa's always been kind of a dork. Sure, she was sweet and caring but Jisoo didn't really expect her to tell Jennie everything that she's saying Lisa told her. It's kind of cheesy and very much heartfelt, and now that Jisoo's hearing about it, she thinks maybe she should stop underestimating Lisa's uncanny ability to wiggle her way into people's hearts.

When Jennie tells her that it was _she_ kissed Lisa and not the other way around, Jisoo tries not to grumble because now she owes Chaeyoung a date. She was already planning on taking her out anyway, but that doesn't mean her pride doesn't take a hit.

"So, let me get this straight," Jisoo says as soon as Jennie's done telling her side of the story. "Lisa swept you off your feet, made you want to kiss her, and promised you she'd wait. And after that, all you said was _we need to drop you off at the airport_?"

Jennie cringes. "Yes," she mumbles.

"Okay," Jisoo tries not to palm her face, "how do you feel now?"

Jennie scratches feebly at the wood of the table that's the only thing that's stopping Jisoo from shaking whatever fear or hesitance is preventing Jennie from seeing what she sees.

"I miss her," Jennie says, tone sad and longing. "I know it's stupid because I saw her literally an hour ago, but yeah. Other than that, I'm… I don't know. Overwhelmed? Terrified? Happy? All of the above, I think. Lisa… she's, well, she's amazing, Chu."

"So, what stopped you from telling her that?" Jisoo asks because Lisa's been waiting a long time and she'll be damned if she doesn't try to speed up the process without actually pressuring Jennie into something she might not want.

Jennie folds into herself, chin dejectedly resting on the table. Her pout is ever prominent, and instinctively, Jisoo answers her own question.

She could understand where Jennie is coming from, why she's so afraid, why she won't take the last step forward. She knows the fear well because it's there every time she touches Chaeyoung in public. Sometimes, she feels like there are millions of eyes upon them, and one wrong move could end their careers and dreams. It's suffocating and terrifying, and Jisoo can only imagine what an overthinker like Jennie must feel.

All at once, the exasperation drains out of her only to be replaced with a sad kind of acceptance that she's learned to live with if it's the only price she needs to pay in order to be with Chaeyoung. She pushes her plate and empty carton of milk farther away before resting her arms on the space in front of her. Jennie watches her move but doesn't say anything.

"Do you know why Chaeyoung and I decided to risk it?" She asks Jennie gently.

"Because it's worth it?"

Jisoo hums an affirmative. "It's worth it," she repeats even though it sounds much like the mantra she keeps telling herself when fear threatens to get the best of her. "That's not to say that we don't care about our group or our careers. We do, and most of the time, it _is_ terrifying. We worry about slipping up and making a mistake and that would end all of us."

"So, _why_?" Jennie insists. "Aside from the fact that it's worth it? Because I do think the same about being with Lisa. That's not the problem because I'm still terrified even though I _know_ being loved by her and loving her might be the best thing to ever happen to me."

Jisoo smiles and rests her chin on her arms. " _Because_ when I think about who I want to be with after Blackpink, in 20, 40, 80 years if we live that long, the answer remains the same: it's Chaeyoung. I'm hopeful, Jendeukie, because I trust all of you. I trust that you and Lisa will protect Chaeng and me even if you have to fight against the world."

Jennie nods without hesitation, and Jisoo can't help the swell of affection that she feels for her.

"I trust that Chaeyoung and I love and trust each other enough to know that whenever we pull away in public or we have to interact with other people or we have to hide everything that we feel, it doesn't mean that we've stopped feeling for each other the way we do. I'm terrified, _yes_ , but I also believe that we'll make it – all of us. I believe that we deserve this kind of happiness, and that's more than enough to keep me going. I don’t know what the future has in store for us, but I do know that I love her enough to keep choosing her."

Jisoo lets Jennie process, watching as she bites her bottom lip in contemplation. She looks tired and sad, Jisoo thinks, and she wonders if perhaps the absence will help Jennie along.

"How do I know if it's really, _really_ worth it?" Jennie finally asks.

Jisoo chuckles. "Let's put it this way: could you live with yourself if you let her go and someone else decides to be brave enough to be with her? Could you let her love someone else the way she loves you? Could you really, _honestly_ , let her go if you do decide that this isn't worth it?"

The reaction is instantaneous as Jennie grimaces, the corner of her lips dropping into a frown. Jisoo thinks it's a little bit selfish that Jennie so obviously doesn't want Lisa to be with anyone else, that the mere thought of it upsets her. But she also thinks that it's high-time for Jennie to realize that there's more to their lives than being Blackpink. She needs to think about what she wants and to want it enough that nothing could leave her hurt enough, devastated enough, broken enough to regret how it all began.

Jisoo barely stops herself from pushing Jennie, knowing that she doesn't take too kindly to being pressured into doing something. But when she finally gets up to reheat her cold chicken, she pats Jennie on her head.

"Have a little faith in yourself and in us. We protect each other; we fight for each other. After all, aren't we family?"

Later, Jisoo holds Chaeyoung just a little closer because moments like this make everything worth it.

\--------------------

The sound of jingling keys is the only thing that stops Chaeyoung from grabbing the plastic spoon near her. It's three days before Christmas, and she was in Lisa's apartment, getting more cat food because she decided to spoil them with extra kibble. Of course, she didn't tell Lisa because Leo is supposed to be on a diet but Chaeyoung thinks the cats definitely deserve more love.

She'd been sitting on the floor of Lisa's kitchen, transferring kibble from a sack to the Tupperware she brought with her when she heard the front door open. Dropping her task, she rounded the corner to peek at whoever it was who decided to pay a visit. It doesn't take her long to see Jennie fiddling with the thermostat before removing her oversized black coat and draping it over the couch. She seems dazed, and Chaeyoung is surprised to see bags under her eyes.

Hesitantly, she steps away from the corner of the hallway she was hiding at just in case it was an intruder trying to break into Lisa's apartment.

"Jen?" She calls out cautiously.

Jennie startles to attention so suddenly that Chaeyoung stumbles back, a shriek bursting from their lips.

"It's me!" Chaeyoung says with her hands up because Jennie might actually throw her bag at her.

"Rosie, what—" Jennie places a hand on her chest, wide eyes finally registering what she's seeing. "You scared me!"

" _You_ scared _me_!" Chaeyoung exclaims indignantly. "What are you even doing here?"

"I—" Jennie falters, feet shifting shyly and frowning eyes fixed on the floor. "I miss her."

Just like that, the shock and adrenaline drain out of Chaeyoung. She watches Jennie sigh before pulling her hair up into a messy bun. Without another word, she trudges to the direction of Lisa's room, and Chaeyoung wouldn't be surprised if she came back wearing one of Lisa's oversized hoodies.

Making up her mind, she goes back to the kitchen to finish her task before pulling her phone out to text Jisoo to take care of the cats until tonight, promising to buy her chicken in exchange. Once she has the Tupperware set on the counter so she doesn't forget about it later, she pulls out Lisa's stash of unhealthy snacks from the refrigerator. Jennie shouldn't have to be alone today, Chaeyoung thinks as she drops down on Lisa's couch, TV remote in hand. She's just about to tear open the pack of gummy bears when Jennie comes out, looking small in Lisa's bright yellow hoodie. Chaeyoung resists the urge to coo at her. Instead, she pats the spot beside her when Jennie lifts an eyebrow in question.

"Come here," Chaeyoung says softly. "Disney?"

Jennie nods as she sinks her hand into the pack of gummy bears and melts into the couch. "Thanks, Chaeng."

They don't talk about it. They take turns raiding through Lisa's stash of snacks, not minding the continuously growing pile of wrappers and packaging bags on the coffee table. They laugh at Olaf and hoot at Mulan, and Chaeyoung hopes that with each passing film, Jennie feels a little better. It's a useless thought because she catches the way Jennie recites Lisa's favorite lines unconsciously, the way her hands twist the fabric of the hoodie by the time Frozen ends, the way she buries her nose into the collar of the hoodie halfway through Mulan.

Chaeyoung thinks it's adorable, and she couldn't resist taking a sneaky picture when Jennie curls up at the other end of the couch, eyes trained on the TV, hands still tangled in fabric, and nose still buried. She types _someone misses you_ as fast as she can without Jennie noticing before sending the photo to Lisa and shoving her phone back into her pocket.

A few minutes later, Jennie's phone lights up on the coffee table. Chaeyoung tries to keep her face straight but is unable to resist watching the way Jennie blushes before a slow, soft, small smile chases away the gloom that's been there since she walked through the front door. Jennie types in a quick response, and Chaeyoung averts her gaze when she turns to her.

"Have you been creeping on me, Chaeyoungie?" Jennie asks, a playful glare on her face.

Chaeyoung shrugs. "You miss her. You shouldn't have to keep that a secret."

Jennie scoots closer, looping her arm around hers in a way that makes Chaeyoung feel unbelievably fond of her.

"What did she tell you that has you being this soft, unnie?"

Jennie hums quietly. "She misses me too."

"Of course she does. Did you doubt it?"

"No, but it's still nice to know for sure."

Chaeyoung doesn't tell her that Lisa would probably like to have the same certainty when it comes to Jennie's feelings for her. Jisoo had already updated her on what happened between the two of them before Lisa left for Thailand. From what she can tell, it's only a matter of time before Jennie makes a decision that hopefully works in Lisa's favor. Besides, Chaeyoung's pretty sure Jennie's already kind of in love with Lisa – she just needs to figure it out for herself.

Chaeyoung sits back in contentment and doesn't try to stop the smile that curls her lips upward when she hears Jennie sing _Kiss the Girl_ under her breath.

\--------------------

Jennie is exhausted.

She'd spent the entire day with Chaeyoung two days ago, and though she would never trade the time she spent with one of the best people she's ever known, Jennie knew that she's looking for someone else, someone decidedly _not here_. It's exhausting because it seems like everything reminds her of Lisa. The supposedly white now muddy brown sneakers by the door reminded her of the time Lisa forgot to check the weather report before she went camping alone. There's also the fact that she apparently has a tendency to leave her stuff in Lisa's room, and every time she goes in to get it, there's a goddamn inanimate yellow bear that's mocking her. And then, she spent most of today shopping enough to satisfy Chaeyoung's stomach for three months only to come back to the dorm and find herself putting away ingredients for _gamjatang_.

It's _stupid_ , her unhelpful brain supplies for her, because Lisa's gone for a week not a hundred fucking years. The constant going back and forth between the whole of her that misses Lisa and the tiny, stupid, rational part of her makes Jennie feel like she's going to spend the rest of the time that Lisa's not here either crying or actually pulling her hair out.

She knew that she wasn't hiding her frustration as well as she believed because Chaeyoung walked into the kitchen for snacks, took one look at her holding _gamjatang_ ingredients, and turned back around without another word. Hours later, Jisoo found her on the living room couch clutching the stupid yellow bear that she took from Lisa's room because maybe if she held it against her, she wouldn't have to see its mocking eyes. Jisoo promptly handed her a tub of milk-flavored ice cream, told her unhelpfully that she's scaring Chaeyoung, and stressed that she can't go around glaring at everything that Lisa owns like they've insulted her and everyone else's mother. And, like, Jennie knows that, but as she shoves a spoonful of ice cream into her mouth, she apologizes in her mind because she thinks that at this point, she's barreling straight into anger and there's nothing short of Lisa coming home that can stop her.

Jennie would like to say that she doesn’t know why she's so angry. But she's never been one to lie to herself so she skips denial entirely and shoots for self-awareness instead. She'd taken to holing up in Lisa's room, marginally thankful that Chaeyoung and Jisoo made no mention of it when she came out of her own room grumbling and holding an armful of her pillows and blankets and probably looking like an idiot. Once she'd gotten herself situated and surrounded by her and Lisa's pillows, Jennie sinks into the mattress and doesn't try to rationalize anything she feels.

She barely manages not to judge herself when she let herself realize that she's angry at the world. It's valid, she hopes, because she _is_ angry at the world, angry that there are a million and one things standing in the way, angry that she's letting said world decide who she can and can't love. Jennie clutches the _stupid_ yellow bear closer to her chest, knowing that it's right to mock her.

She's angry at Korea, which sounds like a moronic thing to say because who the fuck is she to be angry at an entire country but there, she's managed to spit it out without regretting that she loves what she does for a living. She's angry that this country can't seem to move forward, angry that some self-righteous ass thinks they can control who people are born to be, angry that kind, amazing, gorgeous people are preparing themselves for a life of hurt, a war to fight for the right to love, an uphill battle against self-blame, self-hatred even.

Jennie pauses in her anger just long enough to consider if she's really going to let herself realize this, but her hesitation makes her _angrier_ so just… just _fuck it_.

She's so, _so_ angry at herself. She's angry that she's scared enough to even _let_ herself think that she could break Lisa's heart, angry that she thought about it when it's the absolute last thing she wants to do, angry that she'd rather bury one of the said kind, amazing, gorgeous people alive than be brave. There's also the stupid _we need to drop you off at the airport_. Jennie wrings the neck of the yellow because she can't wring her own neck or her makeup artist might just kill her, because Lisa tore herself into pieces, because _who the fuck_ says _we need to drop you off at the airport_ in face of that. She's angry that she couldn't even gather up all her bravery and tell her that she just… she just… she just wants _her_.

She wants Lisa and all her broken, beautiful pieces, wants to take them all and put them in the spaces of herself just so Lisa can never claim that she's lost, wants to offer all her own pieces and hope it makes Lisa believe that she's never alone and never broken. She wants to learn what makes her blush and leave her speechless, wants to hold her when she's falling apart, wants to make her nothing less than _happy_. She wants every dream with Lisa and happy in it, wants every moment she might only get in dorms and hotel rooms and even fucking deserted, sketchy, smelly alleys, wants to enlist in the army, stand on the frontline, and scream her head off at every self-righteous asshole to protect Lisa.

The fight seeps out of her in waves, and Jennie is exhausted and terrified and _angry_ , and even if she doesn't think she deserves her, she wants Lisa.

\--------------------

Chaeyoung and Jisoo stir clear of Jennie. She's adorable – edible-looking cheeks, cute cat eyes, and heart-melting smile – but an angry Jennie is an apocalypse waiting to happen. And judging by the way she's stabbing the ham like she's imagining someone at the end of her fork, Chaeyoung and Jisoo came to an unspoken agreement that they do _not_ want to be at the end of the said fork.

Besides, Jennie is bravest when she's angry because she chooses to fight instead of flee, because there's always a reason beneath the anger, and because she's only ever really, truly angry when that reason eclipses everything else that scares her.

\--------------------

Christmas was usually uneventful in the Kim household. She had spent the morning with her father, having a generic, detached conversation about their careers over breakfast. The rest of the day was reserved for her mother, who would usually make the effort to spend Christmas with her despite her usually full schedule. They spent lunch in a fancy restaurant before taking to the streets and hopping from one flea market to the next before finally deciding to go back home and put their feet up while they enjoyed their spiked eggnogs.

Her mother could tell that she'd been distracted. She would never pry, Jennie knew, but she kind of wished she'd ask her what's wrong so she could tell her all about Lisa without having to worry about how to start that particular conversation. Her mother had hinted before that she knew of Lisa's feelings, but Jennie doesn't know how she feels about it all. A part of her wants to know because she wants Lisa, and she needs her mother in her corner if she decides to do this. But the other part of her wants to keep everything hidden because she's scared that her mother might be the first person to express her disagreement and disappointment, and she doesn't know if she'll survive that.

So, she waited to see how the day will go.

She really shouldn't have been so surprised when her mother ended up bringing Lisa up after she asked how Chaeyoung and Jisoo are. Jennie decides that there must be something about her face that gives her emotions away before she's ready because her mother smiles knowingly the moment her lips part open in surprise and trepidation. She swallows nervously when her mother places her mug on the table between them.

"I'm guessing she told you how she feels, then?" Her mother asks nonchalantly as if Jennie hasn't spent the entire day stewing on how to bring it up.

"So, you _did_ know," is what she ends up saying, too stunned to come up with a proper response.

Her mother takes it as confirmation, and she nods like she expected the answer. "I did."

Jennie shakes her head because of course, she's the last to know about Lisa's feelings for her. "How long have you known? Why didn't you tell me?"

"It wasn't mine to tell, Jennie," her mother says in the tone she uses when she disapproves of her demands. "And besides, I suppose I can tell you now that I didn't really figure it out for myself."

"What does that even mean, mom?"

Her mother shrugs, a wry expression on her face. "Remember when we went to Thailand with Lisa?"

Jennie nods and wonders exactly how many people figured out Lisa's feelings during that particular trip.

"Well, Chitthip… how do I say… she told me about it," her mother says, ignoring the look of surprise on Jennie's face. "You guys took off to check something out, and I remember staring at the two of you as you left. I _was_ in the process of figuring it out, but I didn't connect the dots until Chitthip told me herself. It was actually kind of amusing, now that I think about it."

Jennie doesn't really know what to say that because her mother rarely finds anything amusing unless the situation involves people she respects, and it makes her think that Mrs. Manoban may have done something that got her mother to respect her enough to not be offended by the entire situation.

"She told me, _you do know that my daughter's in love with yours_ , and I remember nearly spraining my neck to look at her," her mother laughs quietly. "I wasn't nearly as shocked as I should have been, I think. Call it a mother's intuition."

"How did you react?" Jennie asks and tries to keep herself in her chair even though her palms have begun to sweat in anxiety.

Her mother doesn't answer for a while. Each second that passes heightens Jennie's anxiety, and she hopes that her mother can't tell because she needs to hear her unbiased opinion if only to prepare herself for what people might say about her and Lisa. Her mother was never one to mince her words and this reminder sinks Jennie deeper into her fear.

After what feels like an eternity, her mother looks up at her, face soft in a way that reminds Jennie of nights they spent reading children's books in a messy fort made by the housekeeper they consider family. It tugs at her stomach, and Jennie kind of wants to hate the way she's always so close to tears.

"Working in the entertainment industry has given me a lot of experience, Jennie," her mother begins and graciously ignores how Jennie clutches her mug closer to her chest. "So, at first, I wasn't so keen on the idea. I worried about how it might ruin your career you worked hard to have and how people could destroy both of you in ways you couldn’t imagine. There's also the fact that I grew up in a different era where loving someone of the same gender could get you locked up, or worse, killed."

Jennie is so terrified and angry that she clenches her jaw so tightly that she's kind of scared it's going to crack.

"But I've had time to process it. In a way, I'm glad that Chitthip told me during that trip. Don't get me wrong, love," her mother leans forward to place her hands on the table, waiting until Jennie reaches out to her with her own shaking hands before continuing. "I still worry about all the things I just said. I worry that this might ruin what little relationship you have with your father. I worry that you'd have to fight against the world. But if it matters at all, you don't have to worry about losing me."

"Mom," Jennie croaks, her throat clogged with the tears she fights hard to keep at bay.

She tells her everything. She doesn't hold back, doesn't hide, doesn't stop. She starts from when she figured it out to how Lisa told her she's in love with her before she left for Thailand. She tells her about how she's so afraid of the same things her mother told her about and of everything she feels for Lisa. She tells her how she's spent the last few months in a constant state of confusion and other equally overwhelming feelings. She tells her about everything she's angry about.

Jennie doesn't cry, and she wonders if talking about Lisa gives her strength.

"I've seen you with her," her mother says when she stops talking. "She makes you happy. She challenges you to be better. She looks at you like you could tell her you're made of magic and she'd believe you. And then, I look at you. Did you know that you light up when she's around? And when you're not with her, you spend most of the time talking about her. Sometimes, when you think no one can see, you look at her so softly that it makes my heart ache. You're cautious with your love, and that's no surprise. But, Jennie, what do you really have to be afraid of?

"Is it your career? I work in the entertainment industry; I will do my best to protect you and your dreams. Is it that she might hurt you? She could, but I believe she'd make it right. Is it that _you_ might hurt _her_? You could. Maybe you already have. And yet, she's still here. Is it that it could ruin everything for everyone else? What did Jisoo tell you? Is it that the world is against you? Maybe it's time for you to stop thinking about what everyone else might say because at the end of the day, it's your life. I want you to be happy, Jennie, no matter what you decide to do. But I think, if you _are_ going to be happy, then you need to think about what you really want."

Her mother doesn't say anything else as she pulls away to turn her attention back on the night sky. Jennie is grateful for the space she gives because it gives her time to think about everything. Mirroring her mother, Jennie leans back on her chair and takes a healthy sip of eggnog, suddenly too tired to keep everything she feels at arm's length.

Inevitably, her thoughts drift to Lisa. She thinks about her unhealthy obsession with the color yellow, the way she dances like she has music running through her veins, her child-like wonder at everything shiny and new. She tugs the blanket tighter around her shoulders because thinking about her makes her miss her more. It's almost painful, and Jennie could almost believe that Lisa took a part of her when she left.

Looking up at the night sky, she finally, _finally_ decides to abandon all her inhibitions. She lowers every wall and every defense she's built to protect her heart – she lets herself _feel_.

Jennie isn't surprised when something inside of her actually aches at the thought of Lisa. Sitting here with her mother beside her, Jennie thinks about how it would be if Lisa were here with them. She'd entertain them with bad jokes and goofy dances. She'd look unbearably soft and happy in an ugly Christmas sweater she'd insist on wearing because it's the first thing about Christmas she learned when she moved away from Thailand. She'd demand cuddles because she knows that Jennie hates the cold.

_I love you to the stars and back and over and over again_.

The words echo in her heart, and she wonders if Lisa intended this to happen – for Jennie to remember her whenever night falls upon them. She wouldn't be surprised if Lisa didn't even think of that because she was only trying to put how she feels into words. That's how she is to Jennie: brave, kind, and honest.

Jennie thinks about the first time she met her. Lisa always stood out because she had this bright blonde hair and an athletic body that turned heads wherever she went. They had both been young, and Jennie didn't think she'd get along with someone as outgoing as Lisa. But then, she walked into one of Jennie's solo practices right after a rough evaluation. She'd greeted her in broken Korean, and Jennie looked into her shy but eager doe eyes and decided to break a rule for her. The moment she'd spoken in English, Lisa looked at her with so much awe that it made her forget about the hurt she nursed after the evaluation.

Lisa didn't hold back when Jennie asked her what she thought about her routine. Her honesty was what drew Jennie to her because unlike the other trainees, Lisa never doubted that she could take the criticism and be all the better for it. And then, Lisa jumped straight to helping her without a thought about how she's technically still competition for the debut they were all longing for. When she came out of the next evaluation with a glowing commendation, Lisa was the first person she wanted to tell.

She stares at the moon without seeing it, her thoughts wholly consumed by Lisa.

She thinks of Lisa's obsession with the color yellow, the way she moves, and her big, doe eyes, and Jennie feels something inside of her rip apart with how much she misses her.

She thinks of Lisa's confession, her promises, her lips, and Jennie's heart climbs to her throat because there were a lot of things she could have said but didn't.

She thinks of Lisa being with someone else, someone who isn't her, and Jennie might actually retch and vomit at the thought because it hurts.

She thinks of Lisa, who could have anyone she wants but wants _her_ , who's been in love with her for years, who's willing to wait forever if she has to, and Jennie wonders _what the fuck_ she's doing sipping her spiked eggnog and thinking about Lisa and trying to figure out how she feels for her and deciding what she's going to do when the answer has been so obvious all this time.

She thinks of Lisa, and Jennie falls slowly and then, all at once.

"Mom, I—" she chokes and shoots up to her feet as soon as she swallows the eggnog in her mouth. "I'm not… I don't… There's somewhere else I have to be."

Her mother looks up at her, chuckling at the sight of her wide, watery eyes. "And where are you supposed to be?"

Jennie doesn't hear a single thing other than the consistent, fast-paced, and loud pounding of her heart.

\--------------------

Lisa's got a day left in her homeland, and she doesn't think she's anywhere near ready to welcome the new year with everything that the company has planned for them. She's spent the last week enjoying the time she had with her family. She doesn't think she has any more tears left to cry because her mother has a way of getting to the bottom of things, and she spent her first couple of days in Thailand telling her everything there is to tell.

Christmas was uneventful, and Lisa prefers it that way because though she _did_ end up wearing an ugly sweater that came with a pair that her stepfather wore, she still liked to spend the holiday resting and sleeping and ruminating – everything that she doesn't have the time to do. The day after Christmas, they went to explore the new cafés and restaurants that were established during the time she was away. It was tradition because she and her stepfather would criticize the dish and begrudgingly compliment it if they couldn't find anything wrong with it while her mother would try to fish the recipe out of the chef.

That was yesterday.

Today, Lisa is intent on making the most of her last full day in Thailand. She isn't set to leave until the butt crack of dawn tomorrow, but she's determined to spend today breathing in everything that is home and trying to miss Jennie a little less.

She'd been careful to give Jennie space. If she felt as overwhelmed as Lisa felt when she left, then she knew that Jennie direly needed the space to think. The minimal contact and the distance did wonders to Lisa's patience. With every passing day, she felt like she could wait a little longer and love a little deeper. At first, when she was telling her parents about everything that's happened between her and Jennie, Lisa thought she'd feel regret or guilt for showing Jennie how she treasured the fingerprints she left on her heart. She'd been relieved when she felt nothing of the sort but kind of hated when talking about Jennie only ended up making her miss her more.

Subtly shaking her head to clear her thoughts, she unlocks her phone and checks the directions to the new vintage store for the nth time. She wonders what it is about vintage stores that just have to be hidden in vaguely terrifying alleys and dark corners of the city. It doesn't take her nearly as long as she thought to find it, and she's thrilled to find that despite its dubious location, the store has the vibe she's always looking for.

The walls are painted a deep, rusty red, and there are rows upon rows of clothes and random knick-knacks. There are leather couches in the back corners of the room, the patina on the furniture only serving to emphasize the beautifully vintage theme of the store. Lisa sinks her hand right at home in the rows of objects and clothes and tries not to think about Jennie whenever she sees something cute. She stays in the store for a good hour and a half and comes out with a new vinyl record, several clothes, and a goofy-looking dog figurine for Jennie.

In the next store she visits, she finds a hat for Chaeyoung, and the one after that led her to the fluffiest purple blanket she's ever had the pleasure to hold. She knows she's probably going to fight with herself if she's ever going to give it to Jisoo. She ends up taking a picture of the milk-flavored ice cream she accidentally ordered, intending to show Jennie when she goes back home.

Lisa gets herself dinner from the night market, enjoying the freedom of being able to go to places without having their managers with her. A few fans recognized her here and there, but they seemed nice enough to know that Lisa wants to spend her time alone.

By the time she makes her way to the park, she has a full stomach and an armful of plastic and paper bags. She knows the park is deserted even though it's barely eight in the evening, and Lisa plans to take advantage of the peace. Her parents already told her that it was their date night and to not expect them until midnight. She doesn't have to be home for a while, but she does need to go back before midnight if she wants to pack her stuff without throwing them into her suitcase and hoping the zipper won't fight her. Jennie hates it when she does that.

She's thankful when she sees that the park is devoid of people save for a couple of strangers and their respective dogs. She creeps in as inconspicuously as possible, not wanting to draw their attention even though she knows the glasses and the mask and the oversized t-shirt probably hides her identity well enough if she's managed to get through the entire day without having to push her way through fans and paparazzi. Still, she could never be too careful because she's still wearing shorts and stark black boots, and she knows that some fans have a penchant for spotting them literally out of nowhere.

Lisa breathes a sigh of relief of when she gets in without incident, making her way to _her_ tree. She's pretty sure it's hers because she probably carved out her name somewhere on the roots beneath the ground during one of the many times she's sat here. She's laughed and sobbed and kissed someone against this very tree; it's definitely hers.

Dropping her haul for the day gently on the ground, she pulls out a blanket she brought from home and lays it carefully before sitting down cross-legged, her back against the tree. She sighs in contentment. She loves her family, but there was nothing quite like being able to her own thoughts and feel the gentle flow of her blood from her heart to the rest of her body. It's why she comes to this park whenever she has the chance.

She misses Jennie, Lisa finally allows herself to think about and feel the longing for the first time today. Being able to show her how she feels has made it damn near impossible for Lisa to think about anyone but her, and she both loves and hates it. She supposes that the weariness creeping into her bones might have something to do with how she's been walking around all day and the fact that it's exhausting and painful to miss someone as much as she misses Jennie.

Lisa rubs her hand back and forth on the skin of her knee, hoping it's enough to stop herself from pulling her phone out of her pocket with the intention of typing out another love letter she probably won't give to Jennie. Lisa loves that she can just tell her, and the thought brings a small, content smile to her face.

The last few months have been trying, and there were times when the hope both fizzled and flared. The ups and downs of it all nearly dragged her to her knees, begging to be put out of her misery. But she knows Jennie – knows that she needs to think and overthink everything before making a decision, knows that she's trying for her, knows that she'll have her answer when it's the right time. It's enough to let Lisa breathe a little easier, safe in the knowledge that despite everything that's changed between them, she still knows Jennie.

Lisa wonders if she asked Jennie to stay now, she'd believe her when she says _always_.

She thinks she just might.

"Lisa?"

Her eyes snap open (when she closed them, she doesn't know), and her neck creaks in protest when she whips around to look at who called her because she _knows_ that voice. Her heart immediately begins pounding, and Lisa might actually die because there, just a few feet away from her, dressed in a crop top and ripped jeans and looking effortlessly breathtaking, is Jennie.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up.

For a moment, Lisa actually forgets all the words in every language she speaks.

Jennie shuffles forward until she's a couple of feet away, and Lisa manages to let a shocked breath out her throat.

And then, all at once, her brain jumpstarts into action.

Lisa's first thought is a long, drawn-out litany of curses she will never be able to repeat to anyone out loud because it's downright embarrassing just how many swear words she knows in Thai and Korean and English and Japanese.

Jennie smiles something small and hopeful and beautiful down at her, and Lisa's second thought is a garbled mess of love in every language, including the ones she only bothered to learn on nights when her love for Jennie was too big for all four languages to capture.

When she finally manages to get the rest of her body working, the first thing she manages to say is, "I'm dreaming."

She's sure of it, too. Because there's absolutely no way in hell that Jennie's here, in Thailand, in the same park she brought her to years and millions of memories ago. Spontaneity is a luxury they don't have. But Jennie's shaking her head and reaching a hand out and Lisa grabs it without thinking. It's warm, her brain supplies the obvious. She's never warm in her dreams because Lisa was always the outsider, so far removed from the millions of happy endings her subconscious managed to come up with night after night, nap after nap.

Jennie's also trembling, and Lisa feels like it like it's her own. She pushes herself up to her feet before maybe-dream-Jennie can tug her up, compelled by the same weird connection they have that tells Lisa she's needed.

"I—" Lisa starts and then stops because Jennie's nails are digging into the back of her hand and it actually stings a little. It grounds her. "Jennie? I… Wha-Why are… How…?"

She trails off, not even realizing that she was stammering in Thai.

"As it turns out," Jennie explains, the sound of her voice shooting right through Lisa, "booking a flight to Thailand on Christmas is impossible. Believe me, I tried. I would have been here sooner but today is the only flight I could get on short notice. I also had to call about a hundred people before I was even allowed to book the said flight. Thankfully, our new CEO didn't need me to threaten resignation if she didn't give me this one leeway."

Lisa stares at her until a shy blush dusts Jennie's cheeks.

"You're here," she says dumbly, managing to remember her Korean.

Jennie nods resolutely like she hadn't just blown Lisa's mind to a million useless pieces. "I'm here."

Before she could ask why she's here, _in Thailand_ , Jennie tugs on her hand. "There's so much I want to say to you, but I can't say any of it here. Can we go to your house?"

Lisa blinks because _holy shit_. "Yeah," she answers slowly before blinking again because _holy fucking shit_. "Yes," she says a little more firmly and resolutely ignores Jennie's amused smile. "Sorry, give me a minute. I'm still trying to… You're here."

Jennie nods again and squeezes her hand. "You're not dreaming. I'm here. You wouldn't believe what I had to go through to get here, and I'll tell you all about it but just—"

Lisa moves purely out of the thought that Jennie might actually be here and she missed her like she's never missed anyone before. She pulls Jennie, rather abruptly, and hugs her. Jennie falls silent, and distantly, very, very distantly, Lisa takes satisfaction in the fact that she can still manage to surprise Jennie speechless even in her current state. Something in her chest slides back into place when Jennie immediately wraps both arms around her waist.

"I missed you," Lisa presses her nose against Jennie's shoulder.

Jennie pulls her closer. "I missed you, too."

She feels Jennie breathe her in, and she unconsciously does the same, melting at the scent of springtime and coffee and the faintest hint of sweat that tells Lisa exactly who she's holding. Jennie burrows deeper until her forehead is pressed against Lisa's neck.

" _God_ , I missed you," Jennie sighs across the skin of her collarbones like saying it once wasn't enough.

Lisa tries to ignore how her hope flares and burns at the sheer relief and longing that coated Jennie's quiet declaration. She doesn't say anything in return but knows that the hand she presses to the side of her head and the palm she smooths down the middle of her back should tell Jennie everything she needs to know.

They're holding each other so tightly that it's almost painful, but for a long moment, neither of them say anything about it. Lisa reacquaints herself to the new reality where Jennie is back in her orbit and decides that love is _weird_ because it makes her think that Thailand feels a little more like home at the same time that it feels unfamiliar and exciting.

It's the sound of a dog barking in the distance that reminds Lisa that they're in a very public place. She squeezes Jennie one last time before slowly pulling away so that Jennie knows that she's unwilling to let her go. There's a dazed look in Jennie's eyes as she looks up at her. This close, Lisa can see that the bags under her eyes are just a smidge darker; she looks tired but pleased. Suddenly, Lisa wants to hear exactly _why_ she took to the skies to get here.

"I'll go get my stuff and then let's go?" Lisa says, not really expecting a reply as she steps out of Jennie's arms. "Did any of our managers come with you? If they did, they can stay at my house. I don't think my parents will mind."

"No, Hwang-sajangnim let me go alone."

Lisa straightens up from where she'd been trying to fit all the shopping bags in one hand. "How'd you even manage that?"

Jennie chuckles as she offers to take some of the bags. Lisa doesn't protest. "I think she was scared I'd actually quit if she didn't let me. I may have been a bit desperate."

Lisa takes her hand, relishing the way Jennie's fingers automatically curl around hers. "You couldn't wait a day? You do know I'm supposed to be back by noon tomorrow, right?"

Jennie refuses to meet her eyes, but there's this sort of shy but determined curl in her lips, and Lisa doesn't know if that means anything. "I needed to see you. I couldn't wait."

She hates to admit it because, at this point, there's really only so many more times she can fall in love with her, but that's exactly how Lisa feels.

"Well," Lisa clears her throat and tries not to make it too obvious that she's swooning. "I'm definitely not complaining."

\--------------------

Okay, so maybe Jennie was downplaying it when she said she was _a bit_ desperate. She'd spent the remainder of Christmas on her phone as she and her mother tried to look for flights to Thailand on the same day. When that proved unsuccessful, she was forced to sleep on it. By morning, she'd been restless and irritable because Lisa is waiting for her, and Jennie really, _really_ needs to see her.

Right after breakfast, she had called up Chaeyoung and Jisoo by sending an SOS text they normally reserve for when one of them ended up in the hospital or they needed to be saved from the paparazzi. Of course, they panicked. Jennie didn't feel nearly as bad as she should have because she seriously needed their help if she's ever going to get on a plane. When Chaeyoung had asked why she couldn't just wait for Lisa to come back, Jennie, with her eyebags and distressed grimace, only stared at her. Chaeyoung might've flinched enough for Jisoo to practically tackle her to the ground for scaring her girlfriend.

They hopped on call after call, all three of them explaining to their managers that Jennie _will_ be on a plane to Thailand, whether they liked it or not. Eventually, the situation was escalated to the CEO, which is how Jennie found herself bursting through the doors like the devil's out to get her. She… _did not_ look put together, and that ultimately worked in her favor when she tried explaining to Hwang that _no_ , Lisa's not dying, _yes_ , Jennie needs to go to Thailand, and _no_ , she's not going to explain in detail because it's better for both of them if she doesn't know. Jennie was a second away from threatening resignation before the CEO finally admitted defeat and booked the flight herself.

It took everything in Jennie to stop herself from throwing a tantrum when she found out that the earliest flight Hwang could get was 24 hours away because apparently, she cannot, _under any circumstances_ , fly coach if they want to have any hope of keeping her unplanned trip a secret from the public. Jennie had only conceded because there's a part of her that actually likes the new CEO enough to not attempt to stab her with her fancy pen.

By the time she landed in Thailand and hailed a cab to where Lisa will most likely be according to Mrs. Manoban, Jennie was antsy, nervous, and sleepless – a dangerous combination that almost had Jennie running through the streets of Bangkok because her cab driver didn't drive fast enough to match the pace of her heart.

Seeing Lisa with her back against a tree, eyes closed, and looking like she's the lead of a movie Jennie would give up her fortune to see, was a revelation. She thought she knew that she missed her, thought the ripping inside of her was enough to describe just how much she misses her, thought that she couldn't possibly miss her more than that. But then, she saw Lisa, and Jennie's not above admitting that she'd almost cried at the sight of her because _she missed her so terribly_ that her body began to tremble as she tried not to run to her and effectively attract the attention of the two other people in the park.

She wanted to laugh at Lisa's shock, fumbling through her words and looking like she's a second away from pouring water over herself just so she'd wake up. She'd stammered in Thai, and Jennie wonders if this is how Lisa feels because she's pretty sure that the swooping in her stomach and her almost too-fast heartbeat meant that she fell just a little deeper, right there, in front of a shell-shocked Lisa because she'd spoken in her native language. Jennie doesn't understand why that's suddenly tugging at her heartstrings, but she's too busy trying and failing not to ramble to even think about anything else.

And then, Lisa wrapped her arms around her shoulders literally out of nowhere, and Jennie stops thinking altogether because she felt so safe and so loved and so undeniably _home_ that she pulled her closer in a hold so tight that Jennie could almost believe hugging her could stop a world from a falling apart. She'd almost said what she needed to say right there, but before she could, Lisa had pulled away and Jennie barely found it in herself to let her go long enough for the blonde to get her stuff.

Lisa didn't ask her any questions until they were at her house, seeming to know that she needed time to collect her thoughts. But as much as she tried to be calm and collected, Jennie feels like she's bursting at the seams even as she swallows the water Lisa offered her before dragging her up to her bedroom. Jennie doesn't realize she's shaking until Lisa soothes her palms on her upper arms, looking concerned and worried as she took the now-empty glass and set it on her bedside table before taking her hand and tugging until they're both sitting on the edge of her bed.

"Ni, breathe," Lisa reminds her gently, her hand rubbing circles on her back.

Jennie doesn't think she's feeling the kind of breathless that can be solved with a few, slow inhales and exhales. "I'm okay."

"You're shaking."

And Jennie's really, _really_ trying here but she still finds herself on her feet and pacing the length of Lisa's bedroom. "Just… give me minute," she says, hoping that she remembers how she wanted this to go because Lisa deserves nothing less than her best self.

Lisa doesn't make a move to come closer because she _knows_ her, knows that she needs space, knows that she needs her head to work properly before she can say anything. But then, Jennie makes the mistake of looking at her mid-step, and she stumbles to a stop because Lisa is _beautiful_ in a way that makes it hard for Jennie to believe that she wants her.

She'd known that she was beautiful before, but now that Jennie just needs to get the words out for a chance to have her, Lisa looks almost ethereal and untouchable. Really, it should have scared her, but Jennie also _knows_ Lisa. Her doe eyes are soft but Jennie's looking close enough to see that she's scaring her. She's twisting her hands – a nervous habit – and crossing her ankles like she's trying not to move closer to her. There's a hesitant smile on her face, and Jennie doesn't have to look far to see the love etched in the way her lips curl and in the way she's looking at her.

Looking at her, Jennie doesn't remember all the things she's afraid of, doesn't remember how terrified she'd been, doesn't remember anything other than the fact that—

"—I love you," she gasps out, loud and sure and _true_.

(Lisa thinks she misheard that, or lost her mind, or something. _Now_ she's sure she's dreaming because there's _absolutely no way_ that Jennie's standing in her bedroom, in Thailand, and telling her… A part of her, the part that's always been Jennie's, wants to say _I love you, too_ even though she knows they won't mean it the same way. But Jennie looks as if she's surprised she managed to say the words at all, like she'd never said them before, like…)

Jennie wonders if this is how Lisa felt when she finally started saying the words out loud because she doesn't think she can stop herself from repeating it. So, she doesn't.

"I love you."

Lisa's looking at her with wide eyes and a gaping mouth, her previously twisting fingers now still and unmoving. She looks just as breathless as Jennie feels, and it makes a small giggle crawl out of her throat because the more she says it, the more she believes that the universe will bend for them, for this, for _everything_.

(The sound of her elated laughter makes the hope in Lisa burn right through everything that she put up to protect herself from hurt. She wants to ask Jennie if she means it _that_ way, but Jennie's looking at her like she can't see anything or anyone else, and she thinks, _hopes_ , that maybe, _just maybe_ , the answer to her question is a resounding _yes_. And Lisa… Lisa's really just torn between being sure that she's dreaming and wanting so badly that this is real and that this is actually happening.)

" _Lisa_ ," she says her name slowly, wanting her to know that she knows exactly who she's talking to and watching the way Lisa's tears make her doe eyes glassy. "I'm in love with you."

(Lisa doesn't think she's ever heard her name sound like that, doesn't think she heard the next part right, doesn't think she's capable of thinking. Before she knows it, she's standing and making her way to Jennie, who looks up at her with something so powerful and so fragile that Lisa wants to cry because _this cannot be real_. But then, Jennie smiles and reaches a hand up to her cheek, and _oh_ , Lisa realizes that she's _actually_ crying.)

Jennie has to resist the urge to ask herself what took her so long to give her heart to the woman who looks like she can't believe what's happening because she's hoped and waited so long that maybe a part of her thought that this was never going to happen. The thought _hurts_ , and she can't help but sink her hand into Lisa's hair, hoping it's enough to convince her that _yes_ , she's in love with her. Lisa's arms hang limply by her side, and Jennie only steps closer to take one of her hands, digging her nails into her palm just enough to tell her that this is real but never enough to hurt her.

"I'm here," Jennie breathes against the pounding of her suddenly too-full heart. "I'm here because I didn't want to make you wait any longer. I wanted, _needed_ , to see you because I love you."

(Lisa doesn't think she's going to tire of hearing that, thinks _oh my God, this is happening_ , prays and prays and prays _please, let this be real_.

And there's only so much her purple heart can take, only so much utter desperation it can feel, only so much love it can hold. Lisa knows this in the way her body starts shaking, trembling, unraveling, the way she can't feel, hear, see anything but Jennie, the way she desperately, pleadingly, softly clutches at the hand in hers. She doesn't know how she ends up on the floor, but Jennie follows her like she's unwilling to let her go, like there's nothing holding her back anymore, like she might actually, really, truly be in love with her.

Lisa breaks.)

Lisa falls to her knees the way giants do: shattering, beseeching, _devastating_.

It is _unbearable_ , and so, Jennie follows, lowers herself to one knee, and gently, tenderly, adoringly fits her palm against Lisa's cheek. She sees the moment Lisa breaks.

"Jennie," she says, steady despite the way she trembles. "Jennie," Lisa grips her hand like she's never been quite this terrified. " _Ni_ ," she sobs when Jennie only moves to tangle their fingers together. "Don't do this to me," she gasps, and Jennie whimpers, feels her pain like it's hers. "Please, _please_ , don't do this to me. If you're only doing this for me or out of pity, then _please_ ," Jennie catches her when she falls against her chest, wraps her arm around her shoulders, and doesn't let go, " _don't._ "

"I'm so sorry," Jennie chokes. She pulls her closer and lays her heart on the line and hopes it's enough. "I'm so sorry it took me so long. I'm so sorry I hesitated. I'm so sorry I pulled away without realizing it."

Lisa, still breaking, still crying, still trembling, shakes her head like she doesn't believe she has anything to apologize for in the way Jennie thinks she should never have to beg to be loved.

"I don't deserve you," Jennie says, giving up on choosing her words carefully because this matters more than the speech she tried to make on the way here, more than wanting to get the moment right, more than _anything_. "I'm still scared, but you make me want to be brave, be strong, be better. And I don't deserve you, but I really want to be with you. It's selfish of me, but I want everything with you – all the good and the bad and the terrifying and the unknown. I want to see you fail at packing because I know you hate it. I want to see your mismatched socks when you don't know which pattern you want more. I want to see you try and beat your dad at cooking even though you once burnt rice. I want to be there for all of it."

(Lisa might actually be soaring, and she can't help the watery laugh that bubbles out of her chest nor the sob that rips out of her throat when Jennie pulls her closer still.)

"I want to make compromises on who needs to make an effort when we're both too busy to make time for each other. I want to fight for Chaeyoung and Jisoo and for _us_ if you do this with me. I want to change the world if that's what it takes for me to have you for as long as you want, for as long as I want, for as long as we can have in this lifetime. I want you and everything else that comes with being yours," Jennie murmurs, her tongue suddenly weightless with the relief of finally being able to say it out loud. "I love you. I'm _so_ in love with you, Lisa. _Please_ ," Jennie can’t help the way her voice cracks in her desperation, "tell me I'm not too late."

(Lisa gives up on trying to figure out if this is real or not because Jennie feels like she's a step away from begging, and if this is a dream, then it's one she hopes she remembers when she wakes up. But if this is real, then… She places her trembling hands on Jennie's hips. She pulls at the time that Jennie presses until Lisa can cross her ankles, Jennie in between her legs. She leans back just so she can look right into her eyes because it's the one thing about Jennie she could never get right in her dreams and daydreams, so much so that she actually believes that the brown in Jennie's eyes doesn't exist anywhere else.)

"You love me?" Lisa asks, her voice lilting and dripping with an innocent kind of wonder and her eyes looking up at her like whatever she says next could break her into a million, irreparable pieces.

Jennie nods but knows that she needs to say it because Lisa has a tendency to doubt good things. "I love you."

Lisa melts, something a lot like pure, unadulterated happiness creeping into her wide, brown eyes, something like contentment in the way she smiles, something like adoration in the way she moves her unsteady hands from her hips to her lower back.

"Really?"

Jennie sniffs and nods again. " _Really_ ," and then she pauses, and because she has a tendency to doubt that she _deserves_ good things, she asks, "am I too late?"

Lisa laughs, high and loud and so, _so_ happy, and Jennie barely has enough time to wrap her arms around her neck, to marvel at the way her still-crying eyes crinkle in the corners, to memorize how happiness looks on her before Lisa's falling against her.

"You're right on time," Lisa whispers against her ear, and Jennie feels like she could believe in unicorns and God and miracles and everything else impossible.

And then, they're both crying and sobbing and laughing, and they must look stupid and ridiculous and in love but Jennie doesn't care because she's finally found a place to belong.

(Lisa cries for the years she spent being hopelessly in love, for what it took for her to get here, for the girl who thought being in love would do nothing but break her and leave her beaten and battered. She cries for the way Jennie feels against her, the way Jennie's heart beats against hers, the way it is loud and certain and true. She cries because _finally_ , because _do I deserve this_ , because _I'm impossibly in love with you_.)

Jennie cries her apologies into Lisa's neck, for the years she spent hiding and hurting, for the hopelessness that took root and grew before Jennie could do anything about it, for the time it took for her to realize that _this_ is where she's supposed to be. She cries for the way they feel like a collision of happy endings, the way she feels certain of nothing else but Lisa, the way Lisa's heart matches hers, pace for pace, beat for beat, love for love. She cries because _I'm sorry_ , because _I don't deserve this_ , because _I'm so in love you._

Lisa's vibrating with energy and happiness, giggling against her neck. And Jennie's just realizing how much she loves making her happy as the smile she feels against her skin fills her to the brim with pride and joy because _she_ made her happy. It's addicting, and for the first time, Jennie thinks, _I want to do this forever_. She gets how big that is, how much it matters, and how much it's true because she was never one to think in terms of forever, but if there is such a thing, if they could have such an impossible thing, then Jennie will be more than happy to welcome it with open arms. Lisa is relentless with her love, and Jennie is cautious but fierce with hers, and together, Jennie thinks they might just make it.

When Lisa finally pulls away, Jennie couldn't help but whine. But then, Lisa places a hand on her neck, thumb tilting her chin up and fingers splayed against her cheekbone. Her watery eyes and tremulous smile melt into something softer and almost disbelieving – a look Jennie's sure she mirrors as she keeps them as close as possible, trying to defy physics and logic, trying to go beyond the limits of the human body, trying to wear her love for Lisa to see.

"I love you," Lisa whispers only for her to hear.

Jennie relishes in the relief of finally being able to say, "I love you, too" and mean it with everything she is.

She watches Lisa's eyes drop down to her lips, and Jennie's knees feel a little weak, wholly captivated by all that Lisa is, all that she's offering, all that she's giving. Lisa doesn't ask, but she takes the time to brush her thumb over her bottom lip. Jennie exhales shakily and sees the question in Lisa's eyes when her gaze wanders back up.

Lips parted and with nothing more left to say, Jennie nods.

When Lisa finally kisses her, it's a simple peck – fast and chaste and entirely _not enough_. Lisa must feel the same way she does because she pulls back a bit only to lean forward again.

And Jennie feels like she's learning a new language that's just a touch beyond words. It's in the way Lisa savors the kiss like she's whispering _finally_ , in the way she's pulling and pressing all at the same time like she's saying _I need you closer_ , in the way she kisses her again before licking her bottom lip like she's promising _I can't get enough of you_.

There's no fireworks; no violent shifting of the earth beneath their bodies. But Jennie's world narrows down until she can't hear or feel anything but Lisa. When she pulls away, it's Jennie who follows, drawn like a moth to a flame, like Icarus to the sun, except she knows she won't burn to death because the way Lisa whimpers against her mouth when she parts her lips open to taste her for the first time makes her feel alive and vibrant and luminous.

Lisa kisses her like how she does everything else: fiercely, fervently, _completely_. And Jennie stops thinking about anything else other than the language she weaves with Lisa in the way she's licking the inside of her mouth, the way she bites into her bottom lip, the way she sucks in a sharp breath before diving back again and again until they're both gasping and panting.

Jennie feels like they've been doing this for years, but she's reminded that this is, in fact, their first kiss when Lisa's lips meet hers for a caress instead of the bruising intensity it was seconds ago before pulling back like that's the last thing she wants to do. She keeps her arms where they are while she tries to catch her breath, watching as Lisa does the same, her hooded eyes dilated but also adoring and seeing nothing else but her. And really, Lisa has no business looking this gorgeous after she stole the air from her lungs, made a mess in her brain, and took her heart when she wasn't looking.

"I don't—" Lisa swallows before laughing kind of helplessly and adorably. "I think I'm only breathing out of habit at this point. You're… you're _really_ good at that. Is there anything you can't do, Ni?"

Jennie flushes but doesn't let it stop her from playfully glaring at her. "Me? Where'd you even learn how to kiss like that? _Jesus_ , Lis."

It's kind of weird that they're feeding each other's ego, but Jennie thinks it's _so_ them that she can't help but giggle before moving back and tugging the both of them up, her laughter joined by Lisa's when they stand on shaky knees like they're re-learning how to be alive and happy and in love. She takes a step back because if she doesn't let go then they're going to end up kissing again and she doesn't think her heart can take any more of that. Lisa lets her pull away, but before she could take a step back, a hand captures her wrist, fingers pressing against her still-unstable pulse.

Jennie speaks, and for once, beats Lisa to the punch. "I love you."

Lisa smiles, leans down to kiss her. "I love you," she whispers against her lips, and Jennie _knows_ that she'll never want anyone as much as she wants Lisa.

\--------------------

Lisa was expecting it, but she still blushed bright red when her mother cracked three jokes in a row about how she pined and waited and followed Jennie like a lost puppy. She tries not to protest too much because she wants to let her parents have this because they've been there since before Lisa understood that she was falling in love, because her mother is why she's capable of love. It also helped that Jennie has had this silly grin on her face the whole time, and it doesn't look like it's going to go away anytime soon because after she yawns, it's still there. It's a good thing because it tells Lisa that she's as happy as she is to finally be on the same page. Still, Jennie did go through about a hundred people and more than 3,000 kilometers to get here, so when she yawns again, Lisa scoots her chair closer, missing the way her parents smile softly at them.

"Sleepy?" She asks as Jennie tries to hide another yawn before looking at her so fondly that it makes Lisa's heart ache with the need to expand and adjust and grow just so Jennie can fit in it.

"I can stay up," Jennie answers, placing a hand on her thigh when she starts rubbing her back.

"You don't have to," Lisa checks her watch. "We still have a few hours before we need to leave, and you've already helped me pack so there's really nothing else to do but wait."

"Are _you_ sleepy?"

Lisa shakes her head, her silly grin still on her face. "But I _do_ want cuddles."

Jennie blushes and shoots her parents an apologetic look that her father waves off at the same time that her mother snickers.

"Better give her what she wants," her father says teasingly. "She's going to start whining, and no one wants that."

"Dad."

Her father laughs at her expense. "Go ahead, Lalisa. We'll send you off later, and it might do everyone some good to get some sleep. Keep the door open, though."

"Dad!"

Later, after Lisa barely managed to survive being teased to an early grave as she washed the dishes with her father, she finds Jennie on her bed, wearing one of her old shirts and looking so soft that Lisa couldn't help but lean against her doorframe because Jennie has this weird ability to make her feel like she could take on the world _and_ reduce her to a useless, gay puddle.

When Jennie finally looked up from her phone, she gives her a shy smile and a pout, and really, Lisa thinks it's entirely unfair that she can be _this_ cute one moment and drop-dead gorgeous in the next. She watches as Jennie places her phone on the bedside table before spreading her arms wide open.

"C'mere, creep," Jennie says.

Lisa laughs and shakes her head, pushing herself off of the doorframe and making her way to Jennie because if she had asked for the moon and stars, Lisa would probably die trying to give it to her. She sits on the edge of the bed, loving the way Jennie wraps her arms around her when she tucks her face against her neck.

"What time are we leaving?" Lisa asks, words slightly muffled against Jennie's collarbone.

"Around four, I think. We've got six hours to sleep," Jennie murmurs.

Lisa shifts just enough to put her hands on either side of Jennie, pressing a kiss on her cheek before pulling back just so she could look at her.

"We should talk," she says quietly.

Jennie nods and blinks slowly at her and Lisa tries not to squeal. "Tomorrow?"

"Okay," she agrees easily, chuckling a little when Jennie yawns again.

"Shut up."

"Go to sleep," Lisa says softly. "I just need to shower."

Jennie scrunches her nose teasingly. "Yeah, you do."

Lisa rolls her eyes in mock offense before biting her lip to keep from smiling when Jennie looks at her sleepily, seeming to know that there was something else she wanted to say. She lets herself melt because being loved by someone who knows her makes her feel all soft and tingly and happy. Jennie lifts a hand to tuck her hair behind her ear before cupping her face, moving sluggishly but attentively.

"Stay?" Lisa finally asks and doesn't say _please be here when I come back because I still think I'm dreaming_ and _please don't regret this in the morning_ and _hell, stay forever if you want to_.

Jennie kisses her softly and breathes, "always," against her lips.

"I believe you," Lisa whispers because she does, because Jennie loves her, because being loved by her makes her feel like anything's possible.

Jennie pushes her shoulder gently. "Shower."

Lisa's really tempted to just… not. But she sighs like she's being given an impossible task and drops a kiss on her forehead before moving back. "Sleep."

Jennie only hums.

Lisa tries not to rush through her shower, but the longer she stays under the comforting heat of the water, the more she doubts that the entire day happened. It's irrational, but she supposes she could forgive herself for this because she's spent so long thinking that today would never happen, that Jennie wouldn't ever love her the way she feels for her, that she'll have to spend the rest of her life alone and helplessly in love with the one person she can't have. She sighs defeatedly and tries to shower as fast as she can without slipping and falling on her face. By the time her hair is dry and she's brushed her teeth and she's got pajamas on, she's antsy and a little nervous to walk back into her bedroom.

All of that disappears when she opens the door and the first thing she sees is Jennie, bathed in moonlight and impossibilities. She's laying on the bed but the phone on her chest tells Lisa that she was waiting for her but fell asleep instead, and Lisa really, _really_ loves her.

She stalls just to give more time for Jennie to fall deeper into sleep so that when she slips in beside her, she won't wake up. She moves quietly as she hangs the towel wrapped around her shoulders on the hooks by the door. She pulls out the clothes she's going to use for the trip. She makes sure to leave the door open, unwilling to give her parents more ammunition.

With nothing more left to do, she pads quietly to her bed, pulling Jennie's phone from her loose grasp and placing it on the table close to the edge because she knows Jennie likes being able to get it without really making an effort. She pulls up the blankets up to Jennie's chin and drops a feather-light, barely-there kiss on her forehead. She toes off her slippers and carefully, slowly, crawls her way to the space between Jennie and the wall. Gingerly, she lays back and sighs in relief when Jennie doesn't so much as twitch.

It's unbelievable, Lisa thinks, that Jennie's beside her, that she loves her, that they kissed. Lisa doesn't know what she did in her past life to deserve this kind of happiness. She laces her fingers together on her stomach and tries not to touch Jennie because she doesn't know if she's allowed to even though they've slept beside each other so many times before. She supposes that this is why they'll have to talk. Lisa feels like she's traversing through uncharted waters, and although the unknown is always terrifying and always daunting, she's ecstatic that she won't be doing this alone because Jennie said _always_ and she believes her.

Lisa wonders what will become of them. She wonders if they'll survive everything the world will throw their way, hopes that they do, prays _God, please, let us have this lifetime_. Unable to temper everything that she feels, Lisa slowly turns on her side and fixes her eyes on Jennie. She hesitates because Jennie _is_ tired, judging by the way she hasn't twitched even though she's a light sleeper, but Lisa feels like she's going to cry if she doesn't feel her, warm and real and maybe even _hers_. She hesitates a second more, thinks _screw it_ , and reaches out to brush the hair out of Jennie's face. She really shouldn't have been surprised when Jennie stirs. A hand captures hers, and Lisa sighs because her warmth means she didn't lose her mind and made up an entire day in her head.

Jennie blinks, barely awake and obviously still under the weight of sleep, before turning her head slightly to look at her. Lisa finds it in herself to smile sheepishly.

"Sorry," she mumbles, suddenly feeling shy. "I didn't mean to wake you."

Jennie smiles sleepily, and Lisa would do literally anything for that smile. "S'okay," she whispers before tugging on her wrist. "Too far."

Lisa stomps down the giddy laugh that fights to crawl out of her throat. Instead, she settles for a grin as they rearrange themselves until Lisa has her arm underneath her own head, her bent knees touching Jennie's, who shifted to turn on her side. Jennie squints before letting out a soft whine, scooting close enough to nudge her nose against Lisa's elbow, prompting her to slip her arm under Jennie's neck. Still seemingly unsatisfied, Jennie balls her fists into her shirt, tugging until Lisa takes the cue to scoot closer and wrapping an arm around her shoulders and the other arm around her waist.

The feeling of Jennie's head against her collarbones, hands gripping her shirt, and toes nudging hers make Lisa's eyes well up in tears. She's marginally thankful that they don't fall, but she knows the sniffle that follows isn't as quiet as she thought it was because Jennie stills from head to toe.

"Li," Jennie says gently, her raspy, I'm-sleepy-but-I'm-awake voice singing serenades to the butterflies in her stomach. "Are you crying?"

Lisa pulls her closer because she thinks it's kind of lame that she's always emotional around Jennie. "No," she says a little petulantly.

Jennie snorts and tries to move back to look at her even though Lisa has no intention of letting her.

"No," Lisa whines, moving her hand from Jennie's arm to the top of her head, tucking her under her chin. "Ignore me. I'm okay. Go back to sleep."

"Why won't you let me look at you?" Jennie asks, her question coming out all muffled and soft and understanding that Lisa just wants her to go back to sleep so that she doesn't end up crying. Again.

She doesn't answer, and maybe that's her mistake because the next thing she knows, Jennie's wiggling her fingers on her stomach then to her torso. Lisa flinches back in pure instinct, trying to avoid being tickled. Jennie pushes herself up before she can stop her, twisting her body so that she's looking down at her, resting her weight on the elbow she presses above Lisa's shoulder. Her hair falls like waves, messy and soft and everything Lisa knows her heart must look like in Jennie's careful, cautious, loving hands.

"Hi," Jennie smiles down at her, and Lisa wonders if she's doing this on purpose just to make sure she's in love with her.

Lisa really couldn't be blamed for pressing her hands on her own face, exhaling a shaky, exasperated breath. Jennie laughs in response.

"Lisa-yah," she calls as she tries to tug her hands away. Lisa only groans into her palms. "Why are you hiding?"

"'S embarrassing," she says into her hands.

"What is?" Jennie asks as she presses a kiss on her wrist.

Lisa shivers. "No, stop that," she whines half-heartedly, only to let her pull her hands away. She's mildly thankful that for now, the tears seem to have stopped threatening to completely destroy her reputation. Then, she makes the mistake of watching Jennie's lips stretch into a soft smile, and Lisa's torn between crying because she's happy and laughing because she's being kind of ridiculous about this.

"What are you embarrassed about?"

Lisa smiles and gives up trying to hide how her heart beats. She brushes the hair off of Jennie's face, wanting nothing more than to see her in the dimness of her room.

"I don't think I can sleep, Jen," is what she ends up saying, aware that she didn't really answer the question.

Jennie's brow furrows a tiny bit. "Are you okay?"

Lisa hums. "For so long, dreams were all I had," she explains, dropping her hand on her own stomach. "It's where I could love you with everything I am and not worry about anyone finding out. And I thought I was okay with that, you know? I thought that was enough."

Jennie bites her lip and doesn't say anything but looks at her so intently that Lisa could believe that she's important enough, deserving enough, _loved enough_ to never be left behind again.

"And then, suddenly, you're here, and you love _me_ ," she says, nothing more than a shocked, sort of disbelieving whisper. "How am I supposed to sleep when being here with you is so much better than anything I've ever dreamt of?"

Lisa knows she's lost the fight to keep her emotions when the back of her eyes start to burn yet again. This time, she doesn't hide, too intent on looking at Jennie and trying to memorize the way she looks right now.

She laughs something helpless, and she thinks maybe Jennie understands more than she thought she would because her eyebrows are slanting the way she knows they do when she's about to cry, because there's this soft, shaky smile on her face, because she doesn't blink even when her eyes get glassy.

"I'm kind of embarrassed that I keep crying around you," she finally says. "You just… You make me feel so many things and all at once that I can't help it. And right now, you make me so, _so_ happy, Jennie, and I think I'm gonna cry again just because I didn't think it was possible to be _this_ happy.

There's this really cute sniffle from Jennie, and Lisa doesn't think she's ever seen anyone as beautiful as her. She would have liked to savor the image more and maybe memorize the exact shade of brown in her eyes so that her dreams can come a little closer to reality, but Jennie doesn't give her a chance because she leans down to kiss the tears Lisa didn't even realize were creating tracks from her eyes to her temple. She does it again and again until Lisa can't help but close her eyes, giving in to the urge to grip the hem of Jennie's shirt.

Her kisses travel from her temple to her eyelids to her forehead, and Lisa feels unbelievably loved and astoundingly in love. When she feels Jennie lean up, Lisa opens her eyes, not wanting to miss the opportunity to see her. Lisa loves the way she's tearing up because maybe it means that she feels the same way she does.

"I make you happy," Jennie whispers, disbelieving and unsure and everything else that makes Lisa think that maybe she shouldn't be so embarrassed to let her see how she makes her feel just so Jennie could have the proof she needs to believe that she holds her happiness in her hands.

So, she smiles that same silly grin and says, "you do."

Jennie rests her forehead against hers, eyes closed and body trembling. Lisa slips her hand under the shirt and rests it on her waist, needing to feel skin and bones. Jennie shivers but doesn't pull away. "I don't deserve you," she murmurs.

Lisa barely manages to make a mental note to bring that up tomorrow. "Have me anyway."

Jennie's palm finds home on her cheek. "I love you," she breathes, and Lisa hopes she dreams of nothing but this.

"I love you, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I hope I did that right. Are y'all okay? I just wanted to say that the next update won't be 'til the weekend cos as you probably noticed, this chapter is longer than anything I've written for this fic hahaha. Can y'all believe that this was supposed to be a oneshot?
> 
> Also, this is for all of you for giving me, and this fic, a chance.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennie and Lisa have a much-needed conversation, Jisoo is a secret softie, and Chaeyoung is a romantic.

Lisa's intentionally trying to avoid her eyes.

Getting a moment alone with her has been virtually impossible since Lisa's parents got them out of bed and ushered them out the door. Jennie had to consciously stop herself from thinking about Hwang and how she'd very much like to have _a talk_ with her when she found out she and Lisa were on the same flight but definitely not sitting together. Jennie's finding it hard to be away from Lisa right now, and that's something she's trying not to judge herself for.

Her body's still buzzing from all the emotions that she dug up and wore like a second skin yesterday, and when she finally managed to fall asleep on the plane, Jennie dreamt of Lisa falling to her knees, Lisa scared, and Lisa crying. Needless to say, Jennie didn't try to sleep after that, too intent on making sure that Lisa knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that she didn't have to wait anymore because Jennie is unquestionably hers.

As soon as they touched down, she and Lisa only managed to get glimpses of each other before they were both whisked away in different cars. Jennie just wants Lisa back in her orbit.

She was thankful when Chaeyoung and Jisoo weren't in the dorm when she arrived. She knows that Lisa's missed them, but Jennie thinks they should probably talk first before being subjected to Chaeyoung and Jisoo's teasing. There's this weird kind of nervous excitement in her stomach when she thinks about being able to spend some time alone with Lisa. Jennie wonders if it has anything to do with how much she'd missed her like the hours they spent together yesterday just doesn't seem enough. She also wonders if it has more to do with how she'd finally, willingly, happily offered her heart for Lisa to take.

Jennie might have grumbled when she realized that she arrived before Lisa. She busies herself by putting her luggage away, changing into comfier clothes, biting her nails, and pacing in the living room as she waited for her. She feels ridiculous for being this needy and tries not to think about how she's going to survive being away from her for more than a couple of hours.

She shoots up to her feet when she hears the front door opening and closing. And then, there she is, dressed in a gray plaid coat, a turtleneck, and slacks, effortlessly stealing the air in her lungs, Lisa manages to make Jennie feel a little weak in the knees literally by existing. It's ridiculous, Jennie thinks.

"Hey," she greets and tries not to notice how her voice sounds soft and fond even to her own ears.

Lisa looks up at her, a blush creeping into her cheeks before looking down at her feet. "Hey."

She scratches her cheek with a finger, shifting her weight from foot to foot, and determinedly keeps her gaze down. Jennie stomps down the urge to coo at her because she knows that look. She's seen it before when Lisa sat on the other end of the couch, when she asked if she could wake her up in her room, when she thought she was dreaming. Really, Jennie thinks as she makes her way to Lisa, it's impossible not to fall for her. Jennie doesn't feel so ridiculous now, glad that her gut was right when it came to how Lisa might be feeling today.

So, she takes Lisa's hands, ducks her head, and tries to catch brown eyes. Lisa smiles shyly but doesn’t look up, and Jennie smothers another coo that manages to make its merry way up to her throat. She moves to fit her fingers in the spaces of Lisa's and finds a look of pleasant surprise in brown eyes as she watches her move.

"Did you think yesterday didn't happen?" Jennie asks gently, hoping Lisa doesn't feel embarrassed.

At the mention of yesterday, Lisa finally looks up at her, all shy and hesitant. "I really hope it did."

Jennie softens, rubs the pad of her thumb on Lisa's. "It did," she answers, hardly able to believe it herself and never one to beat around the bush. "I'm in love with you, Lisa-yah."

Lisa looks dumbstruck for a moment, and Jennie smiles, her heart jumping, alive and free and loved. And then, all of Lisa's tension sifts out of her in one shaky exhale before taking a step forward and dropping her forehead on Jennie's shoulder. "Ugh, _Ni_ ," she groans. "I've only _just_ managed to stop feeling like I'm gonna cry every few minutes. Why do you do this to me?"

Jennie laughs, loves Lisa's weight on her. She nuzzles her neck and wishes she could use both hands to pull her closer. "Say it back."

And Jennie thinks it's incredible, the way Lisa always seems to know what she needs. She squeezes her hands once and lets go only to wrap her arms around her shoulders. Jennie sighs, wraps her own arms around her waist, tugs until Lisa physically can't be any closer. Her eyes flutter shut when Lisa presses a kiss against her temple. It's something she's done countless times before, but to Jennie, it feels just as new and just as warm and just as soft as the first time.

"I love you," Lisa says adoringly. And yeah, Jennie might just be as much of a sap as Lisa is because the back of her eyes starts burning. "You know what else I love?"

Jennie hums.

"Your _gamjatang_ ," Lisa whispers.

Jennie laughs against her shoulder and slaps her back teasingly before pulling away. She keeps Lisa within the circle of her arms, loves the way the blonde immediately starts squeezing her upper arms rhythmically. "You know, keep that up, and I'm gonna start believing that you only love me for my cooking."

Lisa puts on her best puppy dog eyes. "Please?"

Jennie rolls her eyes and tries not to think about how that look has always been her Achilles heel even before they became whatever they are (she makes a mental note to bring that up later). "You're not as cute as you think you are, Lili."

Lisa pouts. "Pretty please?" She asks, this time with a hint of _aegyo_.

Jennie groans. "Fine," she concedes like she wasn't already mentally running through the list of ingredients she'll need. "I hate you."

"No, you don't," Lisa says. Something in the way she says it makes Jennie peer up at her.

She pats her cheek affectionately. "No, I don't," she agrees easily and seriously. She pushes her back gently but not before she catches an almost unnoticeable measure of relief in brown eyes. "Go, change. Lunch, and then talking?"

Lisa nods, looks past her, and grins like a kid. "Cats!"

Jennie shakes her head fondly as she follows her into the living room and wonders, _really_ wonders, what took her so long.

\--------------------

Lunch is a quiet affair mainly because Lisa's intent on shoving as much _gamjatang_ into her mouth as she can. She doesn't want to exaggerate, but no one can make her favorite dish the way Jennie does. She's not sure if that's an unbiased opinion (probably not), but Lisa doesn't care.

They sat beside each other, and if Jennie noticed her inching her chair closer, she doesn't mention it. Lisa thinks maybe Jennie feels the way she does because she picks up a spoon, holds it with her left hand, takes her hand with her right, and rests their intertwined hands on her lap. She doesn't look at her, but she's blushing, and really, Lisa couldn't be blamed for leaning over and dropping a quick kiss on her cheek in thanks. Jennie doesn't let go even when she began digging into her bowl, and Lisa already adores being loved by her.

They don't talk, both coming to an unspoken agreement to take the time to collect their thoughts. The silence is comfortable, but there's something different about it. Not quite awkward, Lisa thinks, but just… unfamiliar. Jennie must feel it too. She's taken to rubbing her hand with her thumb in the way that Lisa's quickly learning she does when she wants to soothe her. The thought brings the silly grin back to her face because there's still so much she can learn about Jennie even after years of being the best of friends, and Lisa feels honored to be allowed access to the parts of her that she keeps hidden and reserved for someone special.

Jennie chuckles when she spots the silly grin on her face as she chews. Lisa only squeezes her hand, looks right back at her, and doesn't say _you make me happy_. Jennie seems to get it because her eyes soften in wonder.

They migrate to the couch, leaving the dishes in the sink for later. Lisa contemplates letting her go, but before she could, Jennie's already pressing herself against her side. They've always sat like this, but Lisa feels like it's not enough. Briefly, she wonders how many things being loved will change. She swallows the anxiety and forgives herself for feeling a little selfish when she tugs at Jennie's hand.

Lisa bites her lip, hesitates for a second, blushes something bright when Jennie looks questioningly at her. "Closer?"

"Yep," Jennie agrees with a small hint of relief, like she was also thinking about asking for the same thing. Lisa doesn't try to stomp down the giddy feeling that leaves her stomach in chaos.

Jennie shifts until she can rest her back on the armrest and sit sideways on her lap. Her weight on her draws a relieved, content, happy sigh from Lisa as she wraps an arm around her waist, resting her hand on Jennie's hip. Love's a little bit like magic, Lisa thinks, in how it could make the simplest things, like holding hands and sitting together and smiling at each other, feel like it matters.

"How are you feeling?" Lisa asks before she could get into a full-blown discussion about love and magic in her head.

Jennie hums, fiddling with her fingers. "Honest answer?"

"Jen, of course. There's no right or wrong answer here," Lisa reassures her before hesitating yet again. "Unless… Are you… Do you have regrets?"

The bashful look on Jennie's face leaves as fast as it came, replaced with something that makes Lisa want to take her question back. "Lisa, _no_. After everything that happened, you think I'd regret this?"

Lisa decides that she can't ask for honesty if she can't be honest herself. So, she shrugs, presses her thumb on Jennie's palm. "I just—I think there's… I think I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know?"

"Why is it so hard for you to believe that I love you?" Jennie asks, and Lisa finds herself breathless from the fierceness of how she said it. "Because I do. I really do, Lisa. Please stop doubting that."

Lisa hears _don't doubt it because I wouldn't lie to you, because it's true, because I'm finally,_ finally _sure._ The certainty in her tone makes her pull Jennie by the hip, angle her head just right before finally kissing her the way she'd wanted to as soon as she stepped through the front door. Jennie's breath hitches, and then, she's placing a hand on her cheek and pulling her closer, and Lisa kind of wants to hate herself for doubting her.

It was supposed to be chaste. But Lisa should have known that moments between them take time. Jennie kisses her back, wrapping an arm around her neck. Lisa presses herself closer until Jennie has to arch her back against the armrest, and still, it doesn't feel like it's enough. So, she licks Jennie's bottom lip, asking for the permission that Jennie immediately gives. She keeps it slow, wanting to savor this and letting it burn any and all doubt that'll only hurt them both. She drags her tongue through the roof of Jennie's mouth and loses her mind when Jennie lets out a muffled moan.

The skin of Jennie's hip is hot under her palm, and Lisa doesn't even remember making a conscious decision to cross a boundary before she's hurtling through another one as she drags her nails from her hip to her lower back slowly, carefully, lightly. Jennie breaks the kiss to gasp, and Lisa can't see anything but how her neck strains when she tilts her head back just the slightest bit. Really, she tried, but Lisa is helpless against the molten heat that crawls in her veins, and before she knew it, she's already tracing the curve of Jennie's neck with her nose, barely finding it in herself to keep from using her lips instead when she breathes in everything that Jennie is. Jennie pulls her closer like it's not enough, and this time, Lisa gathers up what's left of her frayed self-control.

She flattens her palm on Jennie's lower back, kisses the spot where her ear meets her jaw, and pulls away, panting from the heat of the moment and the effort it took to stop. Jennie has her eyes closed while she catches her breath, and Lisa wonders how she's ever going to get anything done when this image is in her head, testing the limits of her control.

"Maybe," Lisa clears her throat, but it doesn't do anything to make her voice less raspy and low with the restrained want that she's keeping at bay. "Maybe that wasn't my best idea."

Jennie opens her eyes, still a little out of breath. She licks her lips, and Lisa literally can't think of anything harder to do than controlling herself right now. "Maybe," Jennie echoes, tone rough and dripping with something that suggests that she's anything but agreeing.

Lisa swallows heavily, trying to push her heart back where it's supposed to be. She leans back, giving Jennie enough space to right herself. Lisa tries to remove her hand from her lower back, but Jennie holds her arm in place, gives her a look that has her trying not to die, and pulls until her hand can rest comfortably on the skin of the curve of Jennie's waist.

"I'm—" Lisa coughs, "—not really sure that's helping, Ni."

Jennie ignores her, but she feels her shiver, and Lisa wonders _why_ she's even trying to control herself when Jennie's so dead set on testing her.

"Do you still doubt how I feel?"

The seriousness of the question sobers her faster than ice-cold water ever could because there's a tiny bit of hurt in Jennie's voice, and Lisa can't help the guilt that turns her stomach over. She knows Jennie, knows that she thinks and overthinks, knows that every decision she makes has been put through a hell of a lot. Jennie doesn't have it in her to do anything half-heartedly, doesn't make decisions on a whim, doesn't give anything but all of her in everything she does. Lisa wants to kick herself for forgetting something so fundamental about who Jennie is.

Jennie continues before she can apologize. "I know you've loved me for years, and I know I made you wait for months. I want to make that up to you, but I can't do that if you doubt how I feel for you. I may not have had months or years, but I'm _sure_ , Lisa. Even if I know I don't deserve you, I love you. Do you doubt that?"

Lisa pulls her closer until Jennie leans her head on her shoulder, presses her forehead against her neck. " _No_ ," she says emphatically. "I'm sorry. I was too busy being insecure to realize that I'm also being an idiot. And, Ni, it doesn't matter how long you've loved me – all that matters to me is that you do. You don't need to make up for anything, and please don't apologize for taking the time you need to sort out your feelings. I'm sorry. And I love you, too."

Jennie wraps her arms around her waist and sinks deeper into her. "Okay."

"Okay?"

Jennie nods. "Okay."

"On that note," Lisa says lightly. "Can you do me a favor?"

"If you say 'make me more _gamjatang_ ,' I swear to God, Li," Jennie mumbles.

Lisa snorts out a laugh. "That wasn't even anywhere near the top of the list of things I wanted to say. Although, I hope you know that you can probably run a restaurant, only serve _gamjatang_ , and make millions."

"You'd be my only customer. I literally don't know anyone else who loves _gamjatang_ as much as you do."

"Correction, I love _your_ version. And I do have millions so is there really a problem?"

Jennie pinches her enough to make her squeak. "What was the favor?"

Lisa traces circles on the skin of her waist with her thumb almost unconsciously. "Will you stop saying you don't deserve me? Why would you think that anyway?"

For a moment, Jennie is silent. Lisa continues to trace circles on her skin and lets her collect her thoughts. It takes a couple of minutes, but Jennie eventually pulls away just far enough to meet her gaze. Lisa stills and pays attention.

"You're…" Jennie gestures at her rather helplessly. "You're _you_. You can sweep me off my feet and make about half the entire world fall in love with you. You're good and sweet and loving. What have I done for you, Lisa? I must've hurt you for years. And then, when I found out, I made you wait with barely any hope to make it easier for you. I want to do this right, but I'm not sure if I have what it takes to get it right – if I'm good enough, sweet enough, loving enough to make sure that you know how much you matter to me."

It looks like there's something that physically hurts when Jennie says everything. As if in response, her heart aches a little, always unable to take seeing her in any kind of pain.

"I don't really know what you're on about, Jen," she says clearly, ignoring the incredulous look that Jennie shoots her. "You didn't know I was in love with you. If I got hurt over the past few years, then that's on me because I never told you. And what's so wrong about asking for the time you need to figure yourself out? I mean, sure, it was hard for me, but if you think, for one second, that I blamed you, then think again. I understood where you were coming from, and the only thing that was maybe hard about it all was when you began pulling away without talking to me."

Jennie opens her mouth as if to say _exactly_ , but Lisa doesn't let her.

"You made a mistake. Hell, I made a mistake literally five minutes ago. You're not perfect, and I'm certainly not perfect. I don't expect you to be anything less or more than who you are. You think you're not good and sweet and loving? When we met, you broke a rule for _me_ , a foreigner, a stranger, a weirdo. When I get nightmares, you sing me to sleep. When you realized you felt the same way about me, what did you do, Jennie? You fought against our managers and met with our CEO just to get on a plane to Thailand, to _me_. If that doesn't scream good and sweet and loving, I don't know what does."

Jennie's brow furrows in the way it does when she disagrees. She's always had a tendency to ignore everything good about herself, always getting lost in her flaws, always too intent on finding the parts of herself that she should work on. And Lisa loves that she's so humble, but she wants her to realize that _she_ is more than enough.

"You deserve more, Li. You deserve _everything_ ," Jennie says a little sadly and a little fondly.

Lisa smiles. "Then, I guess it's a good thing that you're everything to me," she answers. "I deserve more? Well, I can give more. When you found out that I'm in love with you, what did you do? You told me it’s okay, and then you let me love you the way I want to even though it must have been confusing and hard for you. Two years ago, you skipped Christmas with your family just to spend it with me. Today, you cooked _gamjatang_ for me even though I know you didn't get enough sleep and you're tired. I could go on and on, Jen."

Jennie blushes and covers her face with her hands in embarrassment. "I got it," she mumbles.

Lisa tugs her hands away and tilts her head to catch her eyes. "I don't think you do, Ni," she says gently. " _I_ decide what I deserve. I _know_ what I deserve. And this, right here?" She places Jennie's hands on her chest, letting her feel her racing heart. "That means I'm happy. And I'm happy because _you_ love _me_. And I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved. Right now, I am both because of _you_. What more could I possibly want?"

Jennie stares at her like she's trying to find any trace of a lie. Lisa knows with absolute certainty that she won't find any. She seems to know it too because, in the next moment, a defeated but grateful smile stretches her lips.

"Okay."

Lisa checks just to make sure. "Okay?"

"Okay."

"Good," Lisa nods. "So, to summarize," Jennie snorts, which makes Lisa smile, "You love me, _wow_ by the way, and I love you. We deserve each other, and we deserve this. Are we in agreement so far?"

"Want me to draw up a contract?" Jennie jokes.

"Too much effort, and don't you start thinking I'm gonna let you go anytime soon," Lisa says before realizing that that might've been a little demanding. "I mean if that's okay?"

Jennie kisses her cheek, and Lisa thinks she's going to have to get used to the mini heart attacks. "Of course, it is. But maybe we should talk about boundaries too? Just so we don’t have to worry about accidentally pushing each other too far?"

Lisa chuckles. "Is it weird that I'm proud of us for having this conversation?"

Jennie shakes her head. "I'm proud of us, too. I'm glad we're talking about this. I wanna enjoy being with you instead of spending the entire time worrying about stepping on each other's toes."

"Yeah," Lisa agrees easily. "So, boundaries?"

Jennie shrugs. "I don't really know what I'm _not_ ready for. I mean, I know that defeats the purpose of us talking about it, but so far, I haven't felt uncomfortable. Have you?"

Lisa tries really hard not to show the incredulity she feels. She knows she's unsuccessful when Jennie chuckles. It's just… she's been waiting for this for _years_ , and Lisa can't really come up with anything she might not be ready for. Of course, she doesn't tell Jennie that. After all, the last thing she wants to do is push her before she's ready.

"How about," Lisa bites the inside of her cheek and chooses her words carefully, "we go at your pace so that you have time to figure it out? No pressure, no rush, no expectations."

"What about you though?"

"I can wait," Lisa mumbles, a blush crawling up her cheeks because despite the years of friendship they have under their belt, talking about something like this is still something new and unfamiliar and maybe a little bit awkward.

Jennie sinks a hand in her hair, softly running her fingers through it and immediately making Lisa relax. "I'll do you one better. We don't do anything past what we've already done until we go on at least one date. And then, we can revisit this conversation after?"

Lisa smiles at her and loves the way the shy blush manages to dust Jennie's cheeks. "Are you asking me out, Kim?"

"As a matter of fact," Jennie seems to steel herself, tone bleeding the same effortless confidence that Lisa only ever hears when she's rapping. "I am. Will you go on a date with me, Lalisa?"

"I, um," Lisa falters and looks away because Jennie is _gorgeous_. It's unfair because Jennie seems to know it too, judging by the way her lips lift up in a smirk. She groans. "Stop that. I can't think when you're being... y'know."

"Being what?"

Instinctively knowing that she needs to stand on equal footing or else Jennie's going to use this whenever she can, Lisa shakes her head, swallows audibly, and channels the confidence she usually associates with dancing. She forces her body to relax and wills the blush away. She looks straight at Jennie and doesn't bother to hide the desire that she normally buries. She feels her own eyelids drop halfway, feels her lips part, feels the shift in the air around them.

Jennie doesn't look away, but she sucks in a sharp, short breath. Lisa mirrors the lazy smirk on Jennie's face and gets what she wanted when Jennie's eyes drop down to her lips.

"When you're being sexy," Lisa drawls. "Yes, by the way."

Jennie's eyes shoot back up to hers. "What?"

Lisa chuckles and leans over to press a feather-light kiss on Jennie's jaw. "I'd love to go out on a date with you."

\--------------------

Watching Jennie be in love might be Jisoo's new favorite thing to do in the world.

On the day they were scheduled to come back from Thailand, she and Chaeyoung decided to give them some space to sort themselves out. She'd nearly cooed with Chaeyoung when the first thing that greeted them when they got home was Lisa and Jennie napping on the living room couch. Jennie had been sitting on Lisa's lap, arms wrapped around her waist, and hands loosely holding fistfuls of the blonde's sweater. Lisa was equally knocked out, sleeping with a goofy-looking smile on her face, head tilted and resting on the back of the couch. And though Jisoo would normally cringe, she had to admit that happiness looked good on them.

That said, she wasn't one to pass up the opportunity to tease someone, and that was exactly what she did when Lisa and Jennie finally woke up to the sound of Chaeyoung's phone working hard to capture the moment. They'd both blushed throughout her teasing and Chaeyoung's incessant cooing, but Jisoo secretly loved the way they had twins grins that stretched from ear to ear the entire time.

Dinner was rowdy as it always was, but Jisoo would often catch the way Jennie would give Lisa the softest look that Jisoo's never seen before, the way she'd lay a hand on the blonde's thigh, the way she'd give a brilliant smile when Lisa shoots her a sort of loving grin. It wasn't so different from how they usually were. But Jennie in love feels like an open book where she was guarded. Every smile is wide and happy where it had been small and hidden; every laugh loud and full-bellied where it had been quiet and restrained. She was making no attempt to hide the fact that she can't seem to keep her hands to herself or stop her eyes from straying to Lisa. Jisoo would have liked to tease them more, but she'd been too busy marveling at the happiness so plainly written on Lisa and Jennie's faces to remember the hundred or so jokes she may or may not have prepared for this occasion.

Much later, she catches Jennie drinking a glass of water, already clad in sleeping clothes. Jisoo knows for a fact that Lisa's already in Jennie's bedroom because the blonde had agreed easily when Jennie shyly tugged at her sleeve during dinner just to ask if she could stay in the dorm for the night instead of going back to her apartment.

"You look happy," Jisoo tells her with a smile on her own face, apparently not immune to the mood that the new couple set.

Jennie sets her glass down on the counter. "I _am_ happy."

And Jisoo can see that in the way she's biting back a grin, the way she adorably looks down, the way she tucks her hair behind her ear like she's so giddy that she can't keep still.

"I'm glad, Jendeukie," she says, unable to keep the affection from her tone.

Jennie looks up at her, smile a little less bright as she contemplates something. "Is it okay for me to be this happy, Chu? I mean, I know what's at risk now that we've decided to do this. Is it… Is it selfish of me to be this happy even though I know what we could lose?"

Jisoo can't help it. She flicks Jennie's forehead as gently as possible, not wanting to leave a mark and trigger Lisa's innate protectiveness. "Of course it's okay. You act like you're going to be facing whatever comes your way alone. You know better than that, Jen. I've told you before, didn't I? We're family. Chaeyoung and I have your and Lisa's back, and I know you both have ours, too."

Jennie absentmindedly rubs the spot she flicked.

"Are you still scared?" Jisoo asks as kindly as she can.

"Yes," Jennie answers. "Aren't you?"

Jisoo nods. "I am. But I also feel like we're stronger, now more than ever, because we're all here, together, _happy_."

Jennie shuffles on her feet, fiddles with her fingers, smiles something soft. "Me too. I don't think I'd be able to trade this, _her_ , for anything, unnie."

"Being loved and letting yourself be in love makes you feel a lot braver, doesn't it?" Jennie nods, and Jisoo is relieved. "You're not alone, Jendeuk. Get out of your head once in a while, yeah?"

Jennie smiles sheepishly up at her. "Thanks, Chu."

She waves her off. "Go. Lisa might come looking for you. If I get subjected to her _aegyo_ , I might just punch you both."

Jennie gives her a playful glare, and Jisoo will never tell them this unless she's drunk or under duress, but she loves their little family to death.

\--------------------

Chaeyoung is… a romantic. This is a fact about herself that she's never been ashamed of, especially when her romantic side reduces the unflappable Jisoo to a blushing mess. Lisa, her fellow romantic, told her that she should never be ashamed of her ability to recognize, feel, and express love. It's a good thing, Lisa said, because love should always be celebrated, and for that to happen, the world needed the romantics to find love when it's in hiding, to recognize it when it's dressed up as something else, to celebrate it when it's shy. Chaeyoung had whole-heartedly agreed with Lisa.

It's why she loves the way Jennie – cool, I-don't-care, I-can't- _aegyo_ Jennie – turns into a romantic when it came to Lisa. At first, it was subtle, but it was in the way Jennie started waking up early to cook breakfast for everyone, the way she'd absentmindedly touch Lisa (a brush of knuckles against her jaw, fingers tucking hair, a hand on her back), the way she'd periodically look at Lisa just to make sure she's there.

Chaeyoung knew that they were still in the middle of transitioning to something a whole lot more than they were before. They moved tentatively around each other, all bashful and soft and coo-worthy. It was really cute. Even Jisoo picked up on it, and despite Chaeyoung's best efforts, she couldn't always stop her girlfriend from teasing the new couple. She was glad when it didn't make Lisa and Jennie feel embarrassed, seemingly secure in the knowledge that they were doing okay. They also did this really adorable thing where they'd drop an affectionate kiss on a cheek or a forehead whenever they noticed that one of them felt a little bit awkward. Every time, Jennie and Lisa would smile like such a simple thing was more than enough to say _I love you_. Chaeyoung, being her romantic self, soaked it all up greedily.

The couple hasn't had the chance to be alone since they came back from Thailand. Much as Chaeyoung wanted to give them space, their company had events lined up for them. Right after Jisoo's birthday, they were on their way to Osaka for the continuation of the tour. Chaeyoung was always thrilled to perform with her members, but it immediately became clear to them during the two-day event that there was nothing quite like performing with _this_ Jennie. Instead of scaring her, Jennie seemed to find courage from the stage, the outpouring love from Lisa, the loud, _loud_ support from the Blinks. She was vibrant, almost glowing. It was something Chaeyoung tucked close to her heart when she needs to remind herself why they're risking it all for a love behind the scenes.

Lisa didn't get a chance to let the dust settle following their Osaka trip. She was set to go to China the day after they got back, and Chaeyoung wanted to throw a very hard object at the company because she can see that the blonde is just as tired as the rest of them. On the morning of Lisa's departure, Chaeyoung woke up and walked into a moment she doesn't think she'll forget.

She'd heard Jennie's bedroom door open and close in the wee hours of the morning, and in her sleep-addled mind, Chaeyoung wondered where Jennie was getting all this energy from considering _she_ could barely move without a protesting limb or two. It didn't take long for another set of feet to shuffle to where she assumed Jennie was. Chaeyoung could already smell the pancakes, and though she really wanted to stay in Jisoo's arms a little longer, Jennie's food was always irresistible. Still, she found it in herself to wait a while longer if only to give the couple in the kitchen more time.

When her stomach started growling, Chaeyoung gave up waiting. She pulls away from Jisoo carefully and slowly, knowing that the woman was deceptively strong enough to pull her back in her arms if she realized that she was getting up and out of the bed. She pads carefully to the kitchen, not wanting to startle Jennie and Lisa. As soon as she rounded the hallway, her ears picked up singing. Feeling like a creep and more than a little aware that maybe she should have turned right back to Jisoo's room (but pancakes!), Chaeyoung peers at the kitchen.

She promptly smothers the prolonged cooing that threatened to blow her cover.

A fully-dressed Lisa had her arms wrapped around a sleep-rumpled Jennie. The pancakes were already plated, but for once, Chaeyoung couldn't look at the food, too enraptured by the scene in front of her. Jennie's arms were around Lisa's neck, and they're looking at each other like nothing else matters. Even from their side profiles, Chaeyoung could say that they both look so in love, so smitten, so fond that the romantic in her immediately wanted to write love songs and maybe a poem or two.

There was nothing subtle or tentative with the way Jennie wears her heart on her sleeve in this moment, and Chaeyoung is really, _really_ happy for them both.

" _But if you feel like I feel, please let me know that it's real_. _You're just too good to be true_ ," Jennie sings, voice filled to the brim with emotion but steady in its affection. _"Can't take my eyes off of you_."

Chaeyoung is positive that Lisa's melting and falling all at once. She pulls Jennie closer, beginning to sway in place. Jennie rests her chin on Lisa's shoulder as she sings, " _I love you, baby. And if it's quite alright, I need you, baby_."

Chaeyoung jumps when she feels arms wrap her around her own waist, barely stopping herself from shrieking.

"Are they being cheesy?" Jisoo whispers into her ear.

Chaeyoung rests her hands on her arms and leans back, entirely caught up by the atmosphere that Jennie and Lisa set. "See for yourself."

Jisoo peers around her but doesn't make a move to let her go. She hums quietly at the scene in front of them before settling again. "Don't tell them I told you this, but I'm really happy for them. Look at the stupid smiles on their faces. I don't think I've ever seen Jendeukie look like that."

Chaeyoung chuckles and loves the way Jisoo lets herself be soft with her. "Your secret's safe with me."

"It better be."

"Or else what?"

"I—" Jisoo falters, and Chaeyoung presses a kiss on her temple. "You're being unfair."

Chaeyoung hums innocently before pressing her nose into Jisoo's hair. "I love you."

Jisoo tightens her arms around her. "I love you, too. Jenlisa's got you acting soft, huh?"

"You're feeling soft, too. Otherwise, you'd have dragged me back to bed or ruined their moment or something."

Jisoo chuckles but doesn't deny it.

" _Oh, pretty baby, don't bring me down, I pray_ ," Jennie continues, oblivious to their presence. " _Oh, pretty baby, now that I've found you, stay. And let me love you, baby, let me love you._ "

Before she could stop her, Jisoo nudges them out of their hiding place, matching the swaying beat that Lisa and Jennie were following. She keeps them stuck together, and Chaeyoung flushes because they _were_ staring at the new couple, who startled at their sudden entrance. Jennie blushes, but Lisa laughs and makes no move to disentangle herself.

" _You're just too good to be true_ ," Jisoo sings beside her ear, and Chaeyoung suddenly understands the smitten expression on Lisa's face. " _Can't take my eyes off of you. You'd be like heaven to touch,_ " the arms around her tighten yet again. " _I wanna hold you so much_."

If it wasn't obvious before, then Chaeyoung thinks that the grin that stretches across her face says a lot about how much she loves her silly, supposedly cool girlfriend. Lisa laughs softly as she takes Jennie's hand in hers and gets them both swaying again.

" _At long last, love has arrived,_ " Chaeyoung continues, voice heavy with mirth and a soft, warm, encompassing kind of happiness. " _And I thank God I'm alive. You're just too good to be true. Can't take my eyes off of you._ "

She loves the faint blush on Jisoo's cheeks.

" _I love you, baby_ ," Jennie picks up again, letting Lisa lead them closer to her and Jisoo. " _And if it's quite alright, I need you, baby, to warm the lonely night. I love you, baby. Trust in me when I say._ "

Lisa grins at all of them, and Chaeyoung doesn't think she can be any happier than this. " _Oh, pretty baby, don't bring me down, I pray. Oh, pretty baby, now that I've found you, stay,_ " Lisa kisses Jennie's forehead, and Chaeyoung barely hears the _always_ that Jennie whispers in response.

" _Oh, pretty baby, trust in me when I say._ "

They break down in a fit of giggles, and Chaeyoung manages to catch Lisa's eye and knows that they're both swooning. Chaeyoung adds this moment to the growing stack of reminders that she keeps close to her heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry the update is late. I was stuck in a bit of a shitstorm. I missed y'all. Will try to update within a week!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennie and Lisa steal moments.

Jennie learns that it's possible to miss someone who's standing right in front of her. She grips the sleeve of Lisa's navy blue coat and bites the inside of her cheek to keep from saying something stupid and selfish like _don't go_.

"Ni…" Lisa murmurs as she steps closer to her. "I have to go in a bit. Manager-oppa will kill me if I'm late."

Jennie sighs and tries not to think about how long Lisa's supposed to be in China. "Have you packed everything you need? Do you have your passport? Boarding pass?"

Lisa gives her a fond smile, and it does nothing but make it harder for Jennie to let her go. "Yes, yes, and yes."

"Do you have snacks? Chocolate milk?"

Lisa chuckles. "You're stalling me."

She pouts. "Can you blame me? I feel like we've barely had time with each other."

"I know," Lisa says a little sadly. "I don't think it's ever been _this_ hard for me to leave you."

Jennie steps closer, parts Lisa's bangs, and pulls her down by her nape. She presses a kiss on the forehead that Lisa's always been insecure about, loving the way the woman instantly relaxes, her hands finding her hips.

"I already miss you. Is that weird?" She asks as Lisa straightens. Jennie loves that she doesn't make a move to fix her bangs.

"I feel the same way, Ni."

And Jennie can believe that because Lisa's hands press harder around her hips like she's just as unwilling to let go. It makes her a little bit sad because if they were nothing more than two women in love, they could have fun dates and peaceful mornings and more time. She knows that she shouldn't be thinking about these things, but sometimes, she just can't help it.

"I kind of like missing you," Lisa says suddenly.

She thinks Lisa might be a masochist. Lisa chuckles at the disbelief that she doesn't hide. "You're gonna have to explain that to me, Li."

"Missing you means I know what it's like to be with you," Lisa breathes. "It means that no matter where I am or what I'm doing, there's nothing more I'd like to be than be with you. Missing you means I'll be coming home to you."

Jennie feels her toes curl at that, feels her stomach somersault, feels her heart swoon. She slaps Lisa's arm half-heartedly. "You're such a sap."

"You love it," Lisa quips, a small smirk on her lips.

Unable to come up with a response that isn't _I love you_ , Jennie settles for looking up at Lisa. Look at that smile, she thinks. So brave, so loving, so happy. Her breath hitches, her heart still unused to seeing exactly how much Lisa feels for her. She doesn’t know what makes her do it but it feels right when she leans up slightly on her tiptoes and places a kiss on Lisa's lips. She feels her happiness against her mouth, and Jennie knows nothing sweeter than this.

"Text me when you land, okay?"

Lisa wraps her arms around her waist. "Okay."

"Lisa-yah," Jennie coos, hands cupping Lisa's neck. "I love you."

The grip around her waist tightens. "I love you, too, Jennie. I can't wait to come home to you."

\--------------------

Sometimes, Jisoo doesn't like Jennie. She loves her, but she swears that sometimes, Jennie makes it hard for her to remember why. She didn't get a wink of sleep because Jennie decided to invade her room, apparently unable to sleep until Lisa calls her and tells her that she's alright. And then, she proceeded to have a very long phone call with Lisa until the wee hours of the morning. When Jisoo thought that they were finally going to get some sleep, Jennie had turned to her and started brainstorming date ideas.

"She'll be back before Saturday. Do you think we can go out on the weekend?" Jennie asks.

Jisoo resists the groan that threatens to crawl out of her throat. "She's going to need to rest, Jendeuk. We're flying to Indonesia by Monday remember?"

"Well, she won't be here for my birthday because she's going back to China," Jennie contemplates.

Something about the way she says it makes Jisoo open her bleary eyes. As far as she can tell, Jennie doesn't seem too upset that Lisa won't be here for her birthday, but if there's anything that the last year taught her, it's that people can be really good at hiding what they really feel.

"Does it make you sad that you won't be with her on your birthday?" Jisoo asks and hopes that the other girl knows that she would understand if she told her that it does.

But Jennie shakes her head, a small smile on her lips. "No. I know she wouldn't miss it if she could help it."

"Still, though."

"I know what you mean, but I really do understand that it's out of her control. Besides," Jennie tucks her hand under her pillow, "I'm proud of her. I know she's happy to mentor her trainees. I wouldn't want her to drop the role just to celebrate my birthday with me when we can always do it next year. Or the year after that."

"Look at you thinking about being with her for the next couple of years," she teases and laughs when Jennie whines. "You think you'll make it?"

Jennie hums. "I hope so."

"Still scared?"

"Always."

They share a commiserating look tinged with a little bit of sadness before Jennie speaks again.

"But this is the happiest I've ever been, Chu. I wouldn't trade it for _anything_. Not even for a life where I don't have to be afraid."

Jisoo pokes her cheek. "I'm proud of you," she says affectionately. "But can we please sleep? I'm dying, Jendeukie."

"But we still haven't planned the date!"

"We can do it when we have more than one brain cell between the both of us."

"But—"

"Go to sleep, or I'll tell Lisa you aren't taking care of yourself."

"…I hate you."

"Sure you do."

\--------------------

Chaeyoung quickly learns that Jennie's personality shifts into one of two things when she's missing Lisa. She could be short-tempered, impatient, and annoyed at everything, or she could be a kid trapped in an adult's body. Today, Jennie seems to have chosen to become the latter.

The night before, Jennie had asked if they could have an impromptu sleepover right after her phone call with Lisa. She had very nearly begged to stay the night in Chaeyoung's room, going as far as to say that she'd sleep on the floor. Jisoo had been amused, and Chaeyoung understood her girlfriend's reaction because neither of them really expected to see this side of Jennie. She wasn't really surprised that there were parts of Jennie that don't know yet and that this big baby will be one of them. She also wasn't surprised to find that she managed to develop a soft spot for this side of Jennie, especially when they all squeezed in on one bed.

It's funny that by morning, Jennie seems to have become even more of a baby, always clinging on either her or Jisoo. When her girlfriend finally asked Jennie why she seems "worse" today, the woman only told them that Lisa won't be able to message or call her until she comes home later tonight. Of course, Jisoo teased her. But Jennie seemed to be too far into sulking to mind. She was grumbling as she made her way out of the dorm to attend a meeting a little after lunch. Right after, she had also messaged in the group chat asking if she or Jisoo were in the dorm.

Currently, Chaeyoung finds herself lifting her arm to make space for Jennie, who immediately sought her out as soon as she got back from her meeting. Chaeyoung was in the midst of re-watching her favorite TV show that she only ever indulges in when she doesn't have time to start a new series but had enough time to take a break.

"Still no messages from Lisa?" Chaeyoung asks as she lets Jennie wiggle her way under her arm, shifting to find the perfect position. She bites back a smile because it's rare that Jennie allows herself to be _this_ open and vulnerable.

"Nope," Jennie answers dejectedly.

"Well, she did tell you."

"I know. It's fine. I just miss her is all."

Chaeyoung doesn't say anything more on the topic, knowing that there's really nothing she can say to make the ache she's sure Jennie's feeling go away. She'd worry, but she knows better, knows that Jennie will be feeling more herself when Lisa's back in her arms. She remembers how hard it was when she and Jisoo didn't have enough time to fully immerse themselves into the so-called honeymoon period. But, as her girlfriend says, such is life.

"Have you worked out where you're taking her for your date?" She asks instead.

Jennie twitches a little, her pout chased away by quiet excitement. "Mm-hmm."

She waits for more, but when Jennie doesn't seem like she's going to say anything, she nudges her. "Details, please."

"No," Jennie says, laughing slightly.

"Why not?" She whines.

"You can't keep a secret, Rosie. And I want it to be a surprise."

Chaeyoung grumbles but knows that Jennie's only telling her the truth. Besides, maybe Jisoo knows.

"Jisoo doesn't know, by the way," Jennie says, killing her hopes and dreams. "She can't lie to you, and I knew you'd eventually ask me."

Chaeyoung pouts. "Wifey."

Jennie gives her the side-eye. "Nope, you aren't gonna get it out of me with that pout, hubby."

"Ugh, fine."

They lapse back in comfortable silence, content to melt into the couch as they wait for Lisa to come home. They all knew how much Lisa loved to be welcomed home after long trips on her own. She'd message just to ask if any of them were in the dorm as soon as she landed, and when they would tell her that they're out on different schedules, Lisa, no matter how exhausted or sleepy she might be, would go to whoever is nearest to the airport. It's adorable because Lisa wouldn't normally bother them if she knew they were busy.

Chaeyoung is drawn out of her thoughts by a notification on Jennie's phone. She stifles a laugh as she watches Jennie whip it out of her pocket like a part of her has been waiting for the sound.

"Lisa?" She inquires even though she can feel the giddy energy from Jennie's body.

Jennie hums an affirmative as her thumbs speed through the screen of her phone. "She's on her way home."

Chaeyoung is slightly thankful that the wait doesn't stretch too long. Jennie spent the last half hour shifting and fidgeting but stuck to her side. It's cute, but Chaeyoung really wants to concentrate on her TV show and she can't do that if Jennie is unable to sit still and unwilling to pull away.

Finally, the front door opens.

This time, Chaeyoung chuckles as Jennie almost breaks her neck trying to see past the walls of the hallway. When Lisa steps into view, looking exhausted and rumpled, Chaeyoung doesn't think she'll forget the sweet joy that overtakes Jennie's features nor the wide, beaming grin that stretches Lisa's lips when she sees them. She stops and opens her arms wide, and Jennie doesn't waste any time shooting up to her feet to meet Lisa halfway.

Politely, Chaeyoung averts her gaze even as she stands from the couch, waiting for her turn.

"Hi," she hears Lisa's breathless greeting.

There's a soft sigh, and Chaeyoung resists the urge to turn around. "Hi," Jennie says, voice a little muffled. "You were right. This makes missing you worth it."

Chaeyoung doesn't really know what that means, but Lisa laughs quietly.

"Chaengie," Lisa calls her.

She turns and finds Jennie pressed deep into Lisa's body. Lisa stretches an arm and shifts slightly to make enough space.

"C'mere."

Chaeyoung grins, rounds the couch, and steps right beside Jennie. "Hey. Welcome home," she tells Lisa before letting her pull her into a loose hug.

She thinks maybe they paint a pretty picture, and she only wishes that Jisoo was home to complete the group hug. For a few moments, she and Jennie let Lisa soak their presence in. Chaeyoung can feel her tension seep out of her in waves.

And then, Lisa breaks the silence with a cheeky, "my milkshake brings all the girls to the yard."

Chaeyoung snorts as she pulls away and laughs when Jennie slaps Lisa's stomach before stepping back with a playful glare.

Dumb as she can be sometimes, it's good to have Lisa back home.

\--------------------

Jennie slides into the seat next to Lisa at the very back of the company car they're taking for the day. She's dressed in a loose sweater, cropped slacks, and the ankle boots that Lisa recognizes as her favorite. She gives her a smile, hand immediately seeking out hers, and Lisa finds herself helpless to the fluttering in her stomach.

"Hey," Jennie greets, soft and only for her to hear.

Lisa squeezes her hand. "Hi," she whispers, leaning forward a little mostly out of habit but also aware of their manager in the front seat. "You look gorgeous."

Jennie blushes, and Lisa loves that she doesn't look away. "Thank you," she says before looking at her up and down.

She resists the urge to fidget because she'd chosen to go with comfort today and donned a maroon long-sleeve blouse, black jeans, and sneakers. Jennie didn't really tell her where they were going for their date but did tell her that there will be walking involved. It wasn't nearly enough information, as she made sure to let Jennie know, but the woman only shook her head against her attempts to pry out more from her. Lisa had given up after a week, but she wasn't really that bummed about it considering they have both been waiting for this date to happen since December.

Now in the midst of February, Lisa hates the fact that today is the only free time they'll have for the month, especially since Jennie's scheduled for a flight to London tomorrow. Jennie lifts up their intertwined hands and brushes her lips across her knuckles, and _that's_ the thing that draws her out of her thoughts.

"You look amazing," Jennie says, tone dripping with so much sincerity that Lisa can't really help the blush that she feels creeping from her neck to her cheeks.

She squeezes her hand again before letting a sly grin stretch across her lips. "Do I look amazing enough to eat?"

Jennie rolls her eyes so hard that Lisa's momentarily afraid that it's going to stay that way. "I swear to God, you're such a dude."

She laughs. "You love it."

"Not really, no," Jennie quips without missing a beat.

"Ni," she says in a high-pitched whine because she can see the teasing glint in Jennie's brown eyes.

Jennie chuckles and shakes her head in fond exasperation, and Lisa has known her long enough to recognize it as a concession. She smirks triumphantly.

"You're so annoying sometimes, Lisa-yah," Jennie says without any real bite in it.

"You love me."

Jennie looks her straight in the eye then, the corner of her lips lifting slightly up in a way that makes Lisa want to lean all the way forward to kiss her. "I do," she says, quiet but true. "Don't make me regret it."

Lisa tilts her head slightly to the side, hoping Jennie can see how soft she makes her feel and ever mindful that they're not alone. "Never. You're mine now, y'know."

"Oh?" Jennie smirks, voice barely above a whisper. "I don't recall you asking me to be your girlfriend, Li."

"Be my girlfriend, Nini?" Lisa asks, easy as anything.

Jennie scoffs and looks away but not before Lisa catches the blush on her cheeks. "I'll think about it."

Lisa makes a mental note to ask her again before the night is over, but for now, she lets Jennie get away with her cheeky response.

The rest of the ride to wherever it was they were going passes in silence. There's no denying the giddy feeling that twists and turns in Lisa's stomach because they're on _a date_. There's a part of her that wants to travel back in time just to tell her younger self that it'll get so much better than she could ever hope for. At the same time, she thinks that she wouldn't have this any other way.

Unconsciously, she squeezes Jennie's hand yet again. Lisa thinks that maybe Jennie understands how she feels because the brunette scoots close enough for her to feel her warmth. She gives her a small smile, and Lisa knows nothing quite as sweet as falling in love and being loved by her best friend.

\--------------------

"Okay, so here's the deal," their manager, Sang-won, says as soon as they've parked. "I'm going to roam around by myself. I trust you two to keep yourselves undercover, yeah?"

Jennie can't help the gratefulness that warms her chest. "I thought you were coming in with us, unnie?"

Sang-won quirks an eyebrow at her. "I'm not going to third-wheel on your date, Jennie-ssi. I know how long you've both been waiting for this."

From the corner of her eye, Jennie sees Lisa's jaw drop in shock at the same time that she feels a familiar kind of fear in the pit of her stomach. "We're not… It's not—"

Sang-won cuts her off with a chuckle. "As your manager, I would advise against whatever it is you two are. But more than your manager, I consider myself your friend. Leaving you alone to enjoy your date is the least I can do. It's what I _want_ to do."

"Unnie," Lisa says softly but doesn't say anything else.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to report you to the company," Sang-won winks. "I know that you're both more than aware of the risks and consequences, so there's really nothing left for me to say other than I hope you two enjoy."

Jennie lets a shaky breath slip past her lips. "Are you… Is this okay with you?"

It's not the question she wants to ask, but Sang-won has known them a long time, and judging by the way she reaches for their hands, she knows what Jennie can't find it in herself to ask.

"You deserve this," Sang-won says strongly. "Are you both happy?"

Jennie looks at Lisa, who gives her a shy smile. "Yes," she says for them both.

"Then, this is more than okay with me."

Lisa sniffs, and Jennie understands because Sang-won's easy acceptance makes the back of her eyes start burning.

"Besides, Lisa's been pining for a really long time. Honestly, I thought it was about time for you two to get together."

"Unnie," Lisa whines, slightly embarrassed.

Sang-won laughs and squeezes both their hands before letting go. "Now, shoo. Enjoy your date. Don't forget to message me when you're both ready to leave. Also, don't worry about me, I'm going to meet up with my family for a bit."

Lisa surges forward to wrap their manager in a hug, and Jennie follows and hopes that Sang-won can feel their gratitude. Sang-won chuckles and then starts shoving them out of the car.

Jennie wraps her hand around Lisa's elbow, taking comfort in the way she immediately tucks it against her body and matches her pace with hers.

"Are you okay?" Lisa asks with a shaky smile.

Jennie hums, still kind of shocked that that happened. "I was just thinking. We've been lucky enough to find people who would love us for who we are behind the cameras."

Lisa nods, expression melting to a soft kind of happiness.

"Enough about that, though," Jennie says. "What do you think?" She asks, gesturing at the building right in front of them.

And Jennie would never admit it, but she's honestly kind of nervous about this because she's been racking her brains trying to figure out where to bring Lisa for their date despite the other woman's insistence that they can plan it together. She supposes there's a bit of a traditionalist in her, and she'd told Lisa that _she_ asked her out so it's on her to plan the date. Lisa had only stopped bothering her about it when Jennie told her that she can plan the next one. She smiles at the memory of the exasperated, lovestruck, impressed look on Lisa's face when she said that.

She needn't have worried though because as soon as Lisa realized where they were heading, her face lights up with excitement, her toes giving a little bounce. "The Museum of Photography?"

Jennie nods with a smile. "I know you've been meaning to come here, and I thought we could go together. Is that okay?"

Lisa shoots her an incredulous look. " _Okay?_ Are you kidding me, Jen? This is great!"

Jennie feels her pace speed up, and she chuckles. "I'm glad."

"Seriously, you're the best! Oh my gosh, I can't wait," Lisa exclaims, using her arm to tug her along.

Jennie lets Lisa drag her from one exhibit to the next, eyes alight with passion the entire time. Lisa talks to her about how she thinks the shots were taken – the lighting, the aperture, the perspective. In turn, Jennie points out the little details in each photo, things that Lisa tells her she wouldn't have noticed if she hadn't pointed it out. They weave in and out of the small groups of people that loiter the place, asking each other questions like _where do you think this was taken_ and _how does this photo make you feel_ and _do you think I can take photos like this someday_.

Lisa's excitement and passion are infectious, and Jennie finds herself swept up in the knowledge that bursts out of Lisa like she's been waiting a long time for somebody to listen to her talk about this. When Lisa gets embarrassed about how much she's talking, Jennie only squeezes her arm and asks her to continue. She hasn't been this engaged in something new in a long time, and it doesn't take much for Jennie to start asking questions and chipping in her two cents.

At some point, they end up in a collection of portraits. Faces, young and old, line the walls in black and white. Lisa stops in front of a photo of a woman, tilting her head to the side in the way Jennie's quickly learning she does when she's thinking, and unconsciously shifts her weight from leg to leg.

"What are you doing?" Jennie asks, amused.

Lisa turns to her, a thoughtful expression on her face. "Okay, so there's this thing I do whenever I have the chance to visit photography museums. Come here."

Jennie lets her pull away only to lay her hands on her shoulders and stirring her right in front of the portrait. Lisa stands behind her, the warmth of her body soothing Jennie's.

"I want you to think about nothing but the photo in front of you. Put yourself in her shoes," Lisa says quietly. "Think about what the photo makes you feel, who she looks like to you, what she could be thinking. And then, make a story about it. I do it because I'm a visual person. I like to tell stories through pictures, and I like how making up a story based on someone else's photo opens me up to a whole world of possibilities. And I think you're the same as me."

"And what story did you think of when you look at her photo?" Jennie asks and ignores the way her voice sounds raspier than usual.

Lisa hums, her thumbs unconsciously rubbing her shoulders. "I think she's a mother of four and the grandmother of, like, seven children. She looks kind of sad. Maybe she's been left behind one too many times. But she looks strong, too. Like you can see how she's got this serious look on, and I think she held up her family on her shoulders and stood up every time someone knocked her down. She looks like a warrior to me. What do you think?"

Jennie tries to focus, tries not to make it too obvious that she's falling for her all over again. She stares at the photo, sees the way her laugh lines are prominent, the way the corner of her eyes crinkle just the slightest bit, the way the middle of her brow furrows.

"I think she's the kind of woman who can find joy in just about anything," Jennie starts before getting lost in thought. "See the way she looks like she could be smiling if the photographer waited long enough before pressing the shutter button? I think she feels flattered, like she's not used to the attention or like the photographer told her she's beautiful and she barely believes it. I think she'd be the kind of grandmother who'd keep you up at night with, like, stories of her childhood and first love. She looks like she knows what living is."

She looks up slightly, enough to catch Lisa's gaze. She stares at her long enough for Jennie to feel kind of shy. "What?"

Lisa blinks before inhaling sharply like she forgot to breathe the entire time she was talking. "I—" she cuts herself off, tightens her hold on her shoulders, and smiles a little bit. "Nothing, you're just… Sometimes, you take my breath away, Ni."

It should be cheesy, but Jennie feels irrationally proud of that. She turns around and dislodges Lisa's hands before flicking her hair dramatically. "Oh, stop," Jennie says teasingly, lifting her chin up haughtily, and loves the way Lisa's eyes fall immediately on her neck, eyes darkening.

Lisa's got a thing for her neck. That's… That's nice to know, Jennie thinks, but this is hardly the place to be distracted by such things. In an effort to redirect her attention and hide the blush she feels creeping up the said neck, she loops their arms back together and leads her to the next photo.

They make up one story after another, digging deep into their imagination, twin smiles on their faces. Sometimes, it's as simple as _this dude looks like he got caught in the middle of a fart_. Sometimes, it's more personal than intended like Lisa's _this girl changes all the pronouns in her stories from 'her' to 'him' because she's scared to be different_. Sometimes, it's something far-fetched and fun like _this woman doesn't look human at all – she's far too pretty for us to be the same species._

Step by step, photo by photo, they stitch up stories and worlds and life, filling up the museum with their quiet laughter, falling deeper in love with each other, and leaving who they are to the rest of the world by the museum entrance. Jennie doesn't think she's ever had this much fun, doesn't remember going on a date that's half as lovely as this one, doesn't think anyone could love and challenge her the way Lisa can.

After they've managed to create an absurd autobiography based on the portrait of a photographer, Lisa turns to her, a hand pulling something out from her back pocket. She hands it to her, and Jennie takes it, eyes widening in surprise.

It's a photo of them – one that neither she nor Lisa could have taken because they are the subjects. Lisa's face is peaceful and soft in the morning light and she can see herself fast asleep, one of her hands grasping on Lisa's arm and the other intertwined with the hand on her stomach.

"My mom gave it to me just before we left. She said that this was when she knew we were going to be together," Lisa explains, an affectionate grin across her lips. "What do you think?"

Jennie rubs her thumb lightly on the photo, her heart nothing but a puddle of mush. "We look content."

"Not happy?" Lisa asks, her tone only curious.

Jennie shakes her head and looks up at her. "Happiness is fleeting. Happiness is that weird feeling in your stomach or sweaty palms or maybe even a heart attack. It passes. This doesn't look like that. This looks like how I feel when I'm with you – soft, safe, loved. It's been like that for me for a long time now, and I think it's anything but fleeting."

Lisa's eyes shine slightly, her hand seeking out hers. She taps thrice on the back of her hand, and Jennie immediately knows what it means. She returns the gesture and, for a moment, gets lost in doe eyes.

It's kind of sad, Jennie thinks, that no matter what they do, they won't ever have a date where they could say _I love you_ without looking over their shoulders for inquisitive eyes and wayward cameras. It's a terrifying thought because paranoia and anxiety can either make them forget about who they are to each other or make them hate what they love to do. For one brief second, she wonders how they'll survive this, how they're going to last, how they're going to remember that they're in love. Lisa tugs her closer and out of her thoughts.

"If we aren't who we are," Lisa begins, serious and somber. "What would you do right now?"

The question takes her aback. She was never one to entertain the hypotheticals as she'd always prided herself to be grounded in reality. But she considers the question and decides to let her heart do the talking. She lets Lisa's hand go, stepping a few inches in front of her, hoping that Lisa's height is enough to mask the movement of her mouth from any prying eyes despite the fact that the museum is almost deserted as it is nearing closing time. She looks over her shoulder and meets Lisa's beautiful brown eyes. The heat from Lisa's body comforts her and though she doesn't make a move to touch her, Lisa's gaze is enough to reassure her that she could say nothing wrong.

"I'd take your hands and wrap them around my waist, and I'd tell you not to let go," Jennie starts, tone low and quiet. "I'd weave my fingers in the spaces of yours, squeeze your hands to make sure that you know I'm happy with you, look at you just like this and kiss you until my lungs burn," she continues and hears Lisa's shaky exhale. "I'd pull you closer – so close that I'd be able to hear you breathe, feel your heartbeat against my back, listen to you talk in whispers." She lowers her voice, watches as Lisa leans slightly forward to hear her. "I'd tell you that I love you. I'd let people see how much I love you. I'd show the _world_ I love you just because I can't believe how lucky I am to have been given the chance to offer you my heart."

Lisa swallows heavily, eyes dark and intense that Jennie feels like she's drowning in them. She forgets to be afraid even though her body stays locked in her position. She forgets to be anxious even though she doesn't make a move to do what she said she would. She forgets, and she wonders if this is why Lisa asked her the question – not to make them sad or make them realize that there are things they would never be able to do or make it harder for themselves. Maybe Lisa asked because this is how she seeks affirmation that even though they wouldn't be able to pull each other closer, kiss each other hard enough to forget how to breathe, or say _I love you_ without looking over each other's shoulders, that's exactly what Jennie _wants_ to do.

Jennie learns that aside from affirmation, asking the question builds the tension between them, the words teasing out the desire that Lisa tries to hide as she blinks, makes them both eager to be someplace else. She smirks.

"Too much?"

Lisa looks around to check for CCTV cameras and people and doesn't move until the couple several feet away from them moves out of the room they're in, leaving them alone with a wall full of stories. As soon as they're out of sight, Lisa reaches forward to move Jennie's hair to the side before pressing herself to her back.

She tests Jennie's control when she nips gently at the shell of her ear, breathes slowly, softly, deliberately, and whispers, "I can handle more," before stepping back like nothing happened and pinning her with a heated look.

Jennie tries to stop the involuntary shiver, feeling the whimper stuck in her throat. She licks her suddenly dry lips and inhales sharply.

Lisa mirrors her earlier smirk. "Too much?"

Jennie forces her legs to move and feels Lisa match her pace beside her without missing a beat. She looks at her from the corner of her eye and finds Lisa already watching her.

"I can handle more," Jennie echoes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry, I'm late. My girlfriend and I broke up after 4 years of being together. It's been... a lot. But I'm okay -- it wasn't a bad break up at all. I managed to write a pretty lengthy oneshot for this ship as a result of my feelings HAHA. I'll post it after I finish this story. :) I also made a Twitter: https://twitter.com/snowandwolves. Sorry if this chapter doesn't feel like it's up to par with everything else, but I promise I'm working hard to get back on track. I love you all. See you in the next one!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lisa gay panics, Jennie asks questions, Jisoo gives relationship advice, and Chaeyoung thinks they're hopeless.

Jennie tries to keep up with everything that Lisa's saying about her trainees, but if she were being honest, she's had trouble concentrating ever since Lisa dared to be fearless in the museum. There was no one to witness the moment, but Jennie's body remembers it in vivid clarity. Her spine is rigid from when Lisa recklessly pressed her body against hers. The shell of her ear tingles from the sound of Lisa's measured breathing and the feeling of her teeth sinking gently into her skin. Her heartbeat stutters in her chest, unused and helpless to the memory of Lisa's casual desire.

Jennie might have lied when she said she could handle more.

"Jen?" Lisa's voice draws her out of her thoughts.

They're in an ice cream parlor at Lisa's insistence, apparently aware of Jennie's tendency to have ice cream especially when the weather's freezing. She had agreed in a daze, her thoughts elsewhere.

She gives Lisa a sheepish smile and prays that she doesn't notice how she's still trying to survive the aftershocks of _that_ moment. "Sorry."

"Are you tired?" Lisa asks worriedly, always concerned about her well-being above all else.

She shakes her head, not really knowing how to tell her that she hasn't felt as alive as she does now.

"What is it then? Am I boring you? Have I been talking too much?"

Jennie puts a stop to Lisa's rapid-fire questions by placing a hand on her thigh, making sure that the movement is under the table. The parlor isn't as crowded as it could be at any other time of the day, but there are employees roaming around and cleaning up and Jennie thinks that they've tempted fate enough for today.

"Calm down," Jennie says, trying to keep her voice under control because her entire body is hypersensitive to Lisa right now, and if she's not careful, then she might just lose control. "It's just me, Lili. You know I'm always happy to hear what you've been doing. I'm sorry I spaced out for a moment there."

Lisa relaxes. "It's okay. What were you thinking about?"

Jennie opens her mouth to respond, but the words die in her throat when Lisa brings the ice cream to her mouth, licking at her treat leisurely, completely oblivious to the effect she has on her. Distantly, she wonders how Lisa managed to hide her feelings for years because right now, Jennie can't seem to get ahold of herself long enough to participate in a conversation.

"Nini," Lisa laughs, nudging her slightly. "Seriously, what are you thinking about?"

Jennie tries to think of a response that won't end in her own embarrassment but comes up with nothing. She sighs, palms her face, and fiddles with her teaspoon.

"I was thinking," Jennie cringes and almost doesn't recognize the sound of her own voice. She clears her throat in a useless attempt to restart, tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear. Her only consolation comes when Lisa follows the motion, her gaze lingering, momentarily distracted. It makes her smile.

"I was wondering if I could stay with you?"

Lisa's brow furrows. "In my apartment, you mean?"

Jennie hums an affirmative.

"I mean, if I ever say no to that, please hit me with a stick," Lisa jokes despite her confusion. "But you're heading out tomorrow, right? Have you packed?"

"I think that's a question I should be asking _you_ ," she teases.

Lisa shrugs. "I have, like, five days to pack. There's no rush."

"Considering how much you hate doing it, you might as well start now," Jennie chuckles. "I was thinking maybe we could go by the dorm and pick up my stuff," Jennie can't help the blush that she feels creeping up her cheeks. "I'd like to spend more time with you if that's okay?"

"Of course, it's okay. Are you kidding me? Is that even a question?" Lisa says, smiling widely. "You're gonna have to wake up a little earlier than you planned though."

"Bold of you to assume that _we're_ going to get any sleep tonight."

Lisa promptly chokes on a spoonful of ice cream, her neck and face and ears burning red. Jennie takes a lot of satisfaction in being able to even the playing field.

" _What?_ " Lisa asks, looking like she's in the middle of a gay panic.

Jennie smiles serenely.

\--------------------

"You know, when you said that we weren't going to sleep tonight, I assumed we were going to do something else," Lisa grumbles as she tries to fold her blouse as neatly as Jennie does it.

They're sat on the floor, Lisa's clothes scattered around them. They'd picked up Jennie's luggage from the dorm, and while they suffered incessant teasing from Jisoo and Chaeyoung as well as a suspicious eyebrow from Sang-won-unnie, Lisa was just glad to have more time with Jennie. She won't see her for eight days, and she knows that even when they meet up for their flight to Fukuoka for the concert, she wouldn't be able to pull Jennie in her arms and tell her exactly how much she missed her until they get time for themselves. The thought makes her a bit sad, but she's incredibly proud of Jennie so she tries her best to make missing her a little more bearable.

"I wouldn't need to help you pack if I knew that you'd do it sooner than an hour before you're set to leave, Lisa-yah," Jennie says as she places a stack of clothes into Lisa's luggage.

"It's such a hassle," Lisa whines, watches the way it makes Jennie smile. "I have to choose clothes and then fold them and then roll them and then pack them. It's so much work."

"You're just _really_ lazy," Jennie counters. "Besides, don't you find it soothing?"

" _Soothing_ is lying in bed, cuddling with my cats, and hugging you. Sorry, but packing doesn't make it to my list of soothing activities."

Jennie rolls her eyes, but Lisa sees a soft blush creep into her cheeks so she's probably not annoyed by her whining. Yet. "Why do you hate it so much anyway? And don't give me that it's-too-much-work spiel. I know I said you're lazy, and you _are_ , but I've also seen you put in 20 hours just to master a 10-minute dance routine, Lalisa."

For a split second, Lisa freezes. She hadn't expected Jennie to ask that. After all, most people would assume that she was just lazy and leave it at that. She bites back a smile as she places the shirt she's been trying to fold for the last ten minutes on top of her stack.

"I didn't _always_ hate it," Lisa starts, deciding to take the question seriously because she wants Jennie to know who she is from cover to cover, wants to tell her about her history written in yellowed pages, wants to write candid moments like this on crispy white paper. "I liked helping my parents do it. I used to get excited when my mom would hand me her socks, and I'd roll them into balls. They'd let me take all their clothes out, and I'd jump onto the pile, you know, like dogs do when they spot a pile of leaves."

Jennie chuckles, her fingers pausing in their task. Lisa loves the way Jennie always looks like she's trying to commit whatever she's saying to memory, no matter how small or silly.

"What changed?"

Lisa shrugs, suddenly feeling nostalgic. "The first time I got to pack on my own, it was because I got accepted as a trainee. I don't know… I feel like I associated leaving home with packing, and ever since then, I've really, _really_ hated it. I mean, I know it's been years. But I can't help it, you know? Like right now, I'm thinking about the fact that I won't see you and Chu-unnie and Chaengie for a few days. It's kind of ridiculous," she laughs self-deprecatingly as she adds another shirt to her stack, eyes focused on the task. "I don't know how to explain it, but I _do_ know that I hate leaving and being left behind, and I think that's what packing always makes me feel – I'm either leaving someone behind or it's the other way around."

"Do you think it might have something to do with your biological father?" Jennie asks, and Lisa grins because she also loves the way Jennie tries to understand where she's coming from and showing her a perspective she might not have considered before.

"Maybe? I mean, who knows, right?" She answers as she rolls up a pair of socks. "I hadn't really thought about it like that, but if it _is_ because of him, then I wouldn't be surprised. I guess I just wanna be the kind of person who stays – who _fights_ to stay – because I know what it's like to be left behind."

Lisa looks up when the silence stretches long enough for her to notice. She finds Jennie's eyes on her, and she's staring at her a little too intensely that Lisa can't help but feel kind of embarrassed.

"That got heavy pretty fast, huh?" She stammers, unconsciously scratching the back of her neck. "Sorry."

Jennie snaps out of whatever stupor she was in. She shakes her head gently, an affectionate smile on her lips. She gets up from where she was sitting and pads over to her, and Lisa watches her movements curiously as she kneels right in front of her before pulling her into her arms.

"Thank you for telling me," Jennie mumbles against her shoulder, and Lisa relaxes. "Don't be sorry, okay? I like learning things about you."

Lisa hums as she tugs Jennie onto her lap, not wanting her to get bruises on her knees. Jennie follows the motion easily. Lisa doesn't think she's ever going to get used to the knowledge that Jennie wants to be close to her. She cradles her waist carefully and feels like she's holding the world in her arms, feels her chest tighten when Jennie starts rubbing her back, feels like her heartstrings are tying themselves around Jennie's.

Lisa thinks that fear might be part and parcel of being in love with Jennie. When she met Jennie, she was afraid of missing the chance to get to know her. When she was falling in love with her, she was afraid of what it meant and how it made her different. When she realized exactly how much she loved her, she was afraid of losing her, of the way Jennie could destroy her, of loving someone so much that she would choose pain over and over again.

Today, Lisa is afraid, now more than ever. When she stops to think about it, there are a hundred and one reasons that could rip Jennie away from her. And that's terrifying because Lisa knows that above everything else, _she_ could be the reason why Jennie could realize that she deserves better than Lisa. She could be a complete idiot in the next moment and end up hurting Jennie in ways she promised not to. Lisa doesn't think she'll survive it if that's how whatever-this-is ends.

At the same time, Lisa is utterly in love with her and she has grown because of it. She trusts the feeling to tell her what to do when she inevitably fucks up. She trusts herself to choose Jennie every day, to keep fighting for what they have, to know that love is never enough.

"What are you thinking about?" Jennie asks softly like she doesn't want to ruin the contented sort of quiet around them.

Lisa doesn't lie. "Just… how much I love you. Because I do," she says, her heart jumping to her throat like it's trying to wrap itself around her words. "I love you. I _really_ love you."

Jennie pulls back slowly and cups her cheeks, her touch so gentle that Lisa feels the ache in her chest grow almost painfully. She gets lost in Jennie's eyes, drowns in the shade of brown that her imagination can never get right, hopes that Jennie can see the love and the fear she doesn't try to hide.

"Can you see it?" Lisa asks, her voice barely above a whisper, her lips stretched into a tremulous smile.

Jennie's eyes soften into a look Lisa will never get used to receiving. "I see it," she says a little shakily. "I love you, too. So much."

Lisa lets Jennie come to her, surrendering herself to her. So, when Jennie leans down to kiss her, her movements slow and fluid, Lisa closes her eyes and presses back, her hands flattening on Jennie's lower back. The kiss is sweet, nothing but their lips learning how to accommodate this kind of love, but Lisa thinks it's everything good and sure and forever. It makes the ache in her chest grow so much so that she stops breathing for a moment, convinced that this is what it feels like for Jennie's love to cradle her bones and hold her heart.

She hopes Jennie feels it, too.

Jennie pulls back, her movements still slow, her eyes half-lidded but warm, her bottom lip trembling ever so slightly, her thumb tracing her cheekbones. "Lisa," Jennie whispers her name like it's a prayer, and Lisa's stomach forgets fear in favor of simply being happy. "Be my girlfriend?"

_Fight with me. Stay with me. Be with me_.

There's this quiet kind of surprise at the very back of her thoughts because not too long ago, she never thought she'd be here, in this moment with Jennie and hearing things that sound a lot like promises in between her words. She lets out a shaky exhale because Jennie makes her feel afraid and hopeful, anxious and happy. She memorizes the way Jennie doesn't rush her to answer, the way her thumbs move to catch her tears, the way she feels on her lap, and she knows that more than anything, Jennie makes her feel brave and loved and _enough_.

Jennie leans back down to nuzzle her nose, and Lisa kisses her cheek, unsurprised to find that she's crying, too.

"Yes," she says and smiles against the skin of Jennie's cheek, feeling it move in time with a grin.

Lisa hates packing a little less after that.

\--------------------

_Girlfriend._

It's a weird word, Jisoo thinks as she watches Lisa stare at her phone like it insulted her entire existence. Lisa hasn't moved since she got the confirmation that the food she had delivered made it to Jennie's hotel room. Jisoo isn't entirely sure if Lisa's waiting for Jennie to call or if she's contemplating doing it herself or if being Jennie's girlfriend somehow managed to render Lisa's brain cells useless.

She rolls her eyes when Lisa scoots to the edge of the couch to nudge the phone with a finger. "Why don't you just call her?"

Lisa doesn't even have the decency to look at her. "She might be busy."

"Didn't she message you that she was on her way back to the hotel literally fifteen minutes ago?"

Lisa visibly hesitates. "She might be talking to someone."

"Who? Her manager? I think whatever they're talking about isn't more important than answering your call."

Jisoo watches as Lisa pouts very unsubtly. It's cute, but she also remembers that Lisa knows how to tuck hurt and uncertainty and sadness close to her heart so that no one will notice. After realizing how Lisa felt for Jennie, she had tried to keep a closer eye on her, doing everything she can to spot the telltale signs that may hint at whatever Lisa was feeling. Right now, Jisoo catalogs her fidgeting fingers, the way she gnaws at her bottom lip, the furrow between her brows – Lisa is unsure, and it's causing her enough anxiety to make her doubt herself.

That's not anything new because Lisa tends to forget that she's amazing, but this might be the first time Jisoo's ever seen her doubt herself when it comes to Jennie.

"What are you thinking, Limario? What's _really_ stopping you from calling Jendeuk?" She asks, helpless to her curiosity.

Lisa's shoulders sag seemingly in defeat, and she finally rips her gaze away from her phone to look at her. "I'm not sure if I'm… allowed to call her."

Jisoo couldn't have stopped the way her eyebrows disappeared to her hairline even if she tried. "What do you mean?" She prompts carefully.

"I just… I don't want to seem clingy? Like, I keep thinking that if I call her now and Jennie just so happens to be exhausted from work, she'll get annoyed with me. And I mean, that's understandable, but I'm," Lisa hesitates for a quick second as if she's looking for the right adjective, "worried? Afraid? I don't know, Chu. I mean," she looks up at her a little helplessly, "what do you think?"

Jisoo thinks Chaeyoung might be better equipped to handle this, but she doesn't tell Lisa that because she looks like she's actually on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

"It's Valentine's Day, you're her girlfriend, and you just finished calling up more than 50 people just to get everything she loves to eat delivered to her every day, for the rest of her schedule in London," Jisoo says, more than a little confused about where all this is coming from and ignoring the grin that Lisa can't seem to stop whenever someone refers to her as Jennie's girlfriend. "What makes you think she isn't expecting your call? For that matter, what makes you think _she_ won't call you?"

Lisa doesn't say anything, still looking just as confused as Jisoo feels.

"Unless," she narrows her eyes at Lisa, who fidgets at the sudden attention, "this goes deeper than you wanting to call her. Are you scared she'll get tired of you?"

"No," Lisa rushes to say only to look guiltily at her restless hands. "Yes?"

"Lalisa Manobal," Jisoo watches her flinch, "Jennie loves you. Don't tell me that you're still doubting that."

"It's not that," Lisa mutters, and Jisoo can see the truth in her slightly lost doe eyes. "I think I'm afraid of making a mistake that could ruin everything."

"So you don't doubt her when she tells you she loves you but you don't trust her feelings?"

Lisa's eyes widen. "No!"

"That's what it sounds like to me, Lisa," Jisoo says seriously because she knows how this line of thinking could deal more damage than anyone would expect. "It sounds like you actually believe that Jennie only loves you when you're being the perfect girlfriend. You don't seem to trust the way she feels enough to stop yourself from thinking that she loves you so shallowly that one wrong move, no matter how small or simple, could make her not want to be with you. I think _that's_ the mistake you should be more worried about than giving her a call _on Valentine's Day_."

Lisa's shoulders sag heavily, looking guiltier than Jisoo has ever seen her.

"I—" she starts then falters. "You're right, I'm being an idiot."

Jisoo punches her shoulder just enough to push her back a bit but not enough to hurt her. "You're not. You just couldn't stop yourself from overthinking. And that's okay, it happens – especially when you're doing everything you can to hold on to a dream come true. But do yourself a favor, yeah? When you start thinking like this again, try to remember that Jennie isn't someone who tosses out _I love you_ like it's nothing."

Lisa nods resolutely. "Thank you, Chu."

Jisoo scoffs and grins when she hears the front door open. "Call your girlfriend. _My_ girlfriend and I are going out for dinner. Don't wait up!"

\--------------------

They're in the airport waiting for Jennie to come meet them so that they can board the flight to Japan when Chaeyoung realizes that she and Jisoo have their work cut out for them. Just a few seconds ago, she'd been talking to Lisa about her time in Milan. It was rather engaging considering Lisa was ranting about a random reporter that almost managed to shove a mic into her nostrils. It's not exactly a riveting tale, but Lisa is a great storyteller when she wants to be. She'd been mimicking the reporter's voice as best as she can and using her hands to demonstrate the upward motion of the mic (Jisoo begged her to stop the gestures because it looked really weird) when she suddenly went as still as stone.

The first thing Chaeyoung thinks when she sees Jennie making her way toward them is: _they're hopeless_.

"Oh my God," Jisoo grumbles from somewhere behind her. "How the hell are we supposed to cover _that_ up?"

Chaeyoung nods. She doesn't know if it's Jennie's bright eyes and bunched-up smile or if it's Lisa's unblinking gaze and blinding grin. Either way, it's glaringly obvious that Jennie and Lisa aren't seeing anyone but each other right now. Chaeyoung counts the way Lisa manages to plant her feet on the ground instead of taking off to meet Jennie halfway as a small mercy. She loves her best friend, and she's happy that _happy_ doesn't seem enough to describe how Lisa feels about being Jennie's girlfriend after years of pining and heartbreak, but Chaeyoung would have no choice but to stop them from being in love in public if she wants them to have the love they deserve for as long as possible.

It's the last thing she wants to do – force someone to hide something that should be celebrated, that is. But this is reality, and even though it's awful and painful and terrifying, Chaeyoung is hopeful that the day will come when they can be who they are and be with who they love without worrying about who's looking. Until then, Chaeyoung will have to do things like subtly nudging her best friend to pull her back from the haze that Jennie's presence created, like smiling apologetically when Lisa's eyes snap to her in surprise, like swallowing her apologies harshly when she sees the way Jennie's smile dims a little.

Jisoo seems to sense her predicament because she steps beside her close enough that Chaeyoung can feel her warmth but not enough to be anything but casual and friendly. Chaeyoung is grateful that Jisoo took the time to learn the ins and outs of her heart.

"Hi," Jennie murmurs as soon as she stops right in front of Lisa.

"Hello," Lisa says, equally soft and quiet though Chaeyoung can hear the happiness in her voice.

She almost stops them from hugging just because she knows how they melt into each other, but she thinks it would be weirder if Jennie didn't greet them all with a hug. Besides, no one's supposed to be aware of their flight to Japan and that should afford them a bit of leeway. So, she stays rooted to her spot, unable to keep from watching the two reunite.

They don't hug that long – it's barely even five seconds – but Lisa dips her head low enough to whisper something in Jennie's ear. Chaeyoung doesn't hear whatever it was that Lisa said, but when they part, Jennie's heart is on her sleeve in the way her gaze is adoring, the way she taps thrice on Lisa's arm before stepping back, the way there's a soft blush on her cheeks.

"Rosie Posie," Jennie says before leaning in for a hug that Chaeyoung happily accepts.

"I missed you, Unnie. How was London?"

"So much fun. It doesn't hurt that _someone_ ," Jennie shoots Lisa a side-eye as she pulls away, "somehow managed to get food delivered every day I was there."

Jisoo snorts. "Please, she panicked every time someone so much as answered the phone in English even though she refused to let Chaeyoung help her."

"Unnie," Lisa whines as she shifts closer to Chaeyoung.

"It's sweet," Jennie hurries to say when Lisa promptly pouts.

Jisoo rolls her eyes before accepting the hug Jennie offers by opening her arms like a child. "Of course you'd think that, Jendeuk."

It's better when it's the four of them, Chaeyoung thinks as the other three fill the space around them with the kind of chatter and laughter that reminds her that she is home no matter where they are, for as long as she's with them. She doesn't realize that she hasn't said anything until Lisa softly bumps her shoulder against hers.

"You okay?" Lisa asks.

Chaeyoung smiles weakly at her, suddenly reminded of what she needs to do to protect her family. "Yeah."

Lisa narrows her eyes at her before smiling something grateful up at her. "Thank you for earlier."

"What?" She asks mostly out of shock.

Lisa chuckles. "I tend to forget about the world when I see Jennie. It's always been that way for a long time now, but I think it's gotten harder for me to hide it because she loves me, too. See?" She gestures at the silly grin that immediately stretches across her lips. "I can't help it," Lisa whines.

"You shouldn't have to hide it," Chaeyoung tells her quietly but sincerely. " _We_ shouldn't have to hide this."

"I know," Lisa nods. "But I know that we have to. At least for now. So, thank you, Chaeng."

Chaeyoung gives herself a moment to be breathless with pride because of everything that Lisa is.

"How are you so okay with this?" She asks before she could shove the question back to where it came from.

Lisa glances at her from the corner of her eye. "I'm not. I hate that I'm always afraid. I hate that being with her could ruin everything. I hate that I can't love her without worrying about who's looking."

Chaeyoung nods and fixes her gaze on Jisoo's back. She knows the feeling because she's lost count of how many times she's wanted to hold Jisoo's hand while they're walking, how many times she's wanted to take her out for a picnic date every time she spots the sunset, how many times she's had to stop herself from kissing Jisoo when she's laughing because she wants to feel her happiness against her lips.

"It hurts, doesn't it?" She says, more to herself than Lisa.

"It does," Lisa whispers almost inaudibly. "But we both know that losing them will hurt like nothing else we've ever known. So, if it meant that I have to be afraid just so I could have her for as long as possible, then I'll take it."

"I feel the same," Chaeyoung smiles at her, happy that at the very least, her best friend understands exactly how she feels.

She hopes that the next time she has to stop them from being too obviously in love with each other, Lisa will remember that she does it so they could have that someday they all want.

\--------------------

Jennie learned a lot in the span of a little over a week.

She learned that desire feels like a four-alarm fire in her veins, scorching and untamable and wild. She felt it in the museum then in the ice cream parlor then on Lisa's bedroom floor. But, as all-consuming as desire can be, she also learned that love is even more so. She saw it in Lisa's wide, trusting, terrified eyes, felt it bursting from her chest and past her lips and turn into Lisa's name followed by a three-worded question. And then, she'd learned that happiness lies in something as simple as lips against her cheek or an earnest _yes_ or Lisa in her arms.

During the week she spent in London, she learned that Lisa's love is as sweet as it is tentative, like trying out chocolates with surprises inside. She learned that talking to Lisa over the phone and watching her fall asleep to the sound of her voice does nothing but make her miss her more to the point where she has to leave her phone with her manager after every phone call because if she doesn't, then she’ll end up booking a flight home too early. She learned that no matter where she is in the world, even if Lisa's not with her, she can and has and will fall in love with her over and over again.

It's… a lot, to say the least.

Jennie likes to think that she knows herself pretty well. But she didn't expect how hard it would be to smother love when it's all she feels as soon as Lisa caught sight of her in a busy airport, her eyes exhausted from her schedule in Milan but also adoring in the way they always are. Stepping back from Lisa's embrace was even harder if that's even possible, and she also doesn't expect how painful it is to shove _I'm home_ and _I missed you_ and _I love you_ down her throat. Honestly, she's starting to think that Lisa's going to teach her things like the limits of her self-control or the nature of her love.

They didn't get a chance to exchange more than a shallow conversation on the way to the venue from the airport. They were immediately ushered to make-up artists and stylists and the stage in Fukuoka. Jennie tries to give the fans the best she could possibly give, shaking off her exhaustion and aching bones. It helped that Lisa seemed extra determined to keep their energy up despite being as exhausted as Jennie feels. It helped that she was breathing the same air as Lisa.

It's not enough.

That's the nagging thought that kept testing her focus even as she made sure to get her sore muscles moving. She thought it as she performed their part in _Kill This Love_ , again as she watched Lisa drop down to the ground for _Don't Know What to Do_ , again during the entire encore. It made her feel all sorts of embarrassed and stupid and desperate because she doesn't know what her body needs for her brain to stop talking.

And then, in the middle of bidding Fukuoka goodbye, Lisa had spread her feet wide enough to fit her cheek against her chest, her long arms wrapping themselves around her waist. Jennie didn't think about who's looking when everything in her decided to return the hug. She only thought about how Lisa's arms around her waist felt a lot like home, how her cheek pressed against the top of Lisa's head felt a lot like love, how having her in her arms felt _almost_ enough. Lisa had pulled her closer and closer and closer, and Jennie would be surprised that neither Chaeyoung nor Jisoo have attempted to break them apart if she stopped to think about anything other than how ridiculous it is that she feels like she fell in love with Lisa right there on the stage, in front of thousands of people.

She sighs as she buttons up her white shirt, tucks it into her pants, and pulls a blue cardigan over the whole ensemble. She's just about to pick up her bag from the floor when a knock interrupts the silence in her dressing room. She pulls it open and only manages to think about how dangerous it is that Lisa manages to make her forget about the world outside this tiny dressing room before she steps back almost out of instinct.

Lisa locks the door behind her, and Jennie hopes that she can't hear how fast her heart goes from 60 to 100 before she can even fully process that they're alone.

"We’re airport buddies," Lisa tells her, voice scratchy from exhaustion or something else, Jennie doesn't know.

"Oh," she says rather dumbly. "That's… a surprise."

Lisa grins like she knows what she's doing to her, and Jennie kind of wants to hate her just a little bit. "Yeah."

She pushes herself off the door, taking two strides and stopping a couple of feet away from her. The grin drops gradually, and Jennie doesn't really know why but she lifts a hand in Lisa's direction. Lisa catches it mid-air, steps even closer, and presses her hand against her chest. Jennie feels her heartbeat against her palm, the Lisa-induced haze heavy in her mind.

"I missed you," Jennie whispers as she leans up to wrap an arm around Lisa's neck.

"I missed you, too," Lisa breathes against her slightly parted lips, and Jennie trembles when she slips a hand underneath her cardigan, her palm warm against her back.

"Jen," Lisa murmurs. "Can I…?"

"Please," Jennie very nearly begs because _it's not enough_ roars from the back of her mind.

It quiets as soon as Lisa takes her bottom lip between her teeth before she kisses her fully, her mouth demanding all the words they can't say outside of this tiny dressing room. Jennie inhales sharply and stumbles back at the unexpected intensity before pushing herself up to her tiptoes, wanting to be as close as possible. She lets out a cut-off whine when Lisa starts scratching at her shirt, huffs when her back hits the nearest wall, sweeps her tongue in Lisa's mouth at the same time she slides the hand wrapped around her neck down to her upper back beneath her hoodie. She digs her nails into Lisa's skin unintentionally, only driven by instinct and the ever-present _it's not enough_.

Lisa hisses at the feeling, and Jennie breaks the kiss to apologize but doesn't get the chance to because Lisa chases after her, pulling her impossibly closer.

"Lisa," Jennie mutters in between kisses. "Lisa."

"What—" she cuts Lisa off for another bruising kiss, unable to keep from touching her just long enough to finish her question.

As if sensing her desperation or hearing the same _it's not enough_ in her head, Lisa tugs her shirt out of its tuck with both hands before pressing her palms to her skin, sliding them up and down her sides. She let out a satisfied groan at the feeling, and Jennie's stomach clenches at the sound.

Jennie burns as they sank into kiss after kiss, burns when Lisa urges her to wrap her legs around her waist, burns when she pins her to the wall. "Lisa."

Lisa answers her choked call with another kiss, this one longer, harder, and hotter, and Jennie returns it with everything she has, wanting to tell Lisa that she missed her, that she loves being loved by her, that she's home.

This time, Lisa breaks the kiss, resting her forehead against hers as she pants harshly to catch her breath, brown eyes dark and focused on her. Jennie lets her legs drop down to the ground, her knees shaky, her heart skipping heartbeats when Lisa rubs the skin of her waist comfortingly.

Lisa leans down to nuzzle her nose with hers, and Jennie smiles, suddenly understanding what she's been itching to do since she first saw Lisa at the airport.

"I love you," Jennie whispers and feels the way Lisa melts into her.

"I love you, too, Ni."

In this tiny dressing room, miles away from Korea, Jennie learns that _this_ is how they come home to each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Henlo, people! How are you? I'm so sorry this chapter took so long, but I hope you enjoyed it! I'm gonna be replying to all your comments, but I just wanted to let you guys know that I missed all of you wonderful people. If you missed it, I posted the one-shot I was talking about in the previous chapter because I have zero self-control. If you wanna see me gay panic over BP, I'm on Twitter (@snowandwolves). If you got a little extra to feed my caffeine addiction and/or my cat, I'm also on Ko-fi (https://ko-fi.com/snowandwolves). See you in the next one! :)


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